It seems like the last twoish months have been filled with so many life changes. I am just starting to really slow down enough for the dust to settle. I'm looking around at my life and I feel the need to scream at the things that have happened. I want to praise myself for conquering the challenges and rising above the pain I was feeling. I'm in disbelief of myself. I would never have predicted that I could get to where I am now.
In the last two months, I broke off an engagement, I moved home, I worked 30+ hours a week an hour and a half away from home. I went to school full time. I spent time with friends and family. I moved into an apartment all my own. I got a kitten. I crashed my car. I broke up someone else's relationship over a dumb mistake. I slept with my ex-fiance because we were both vulnerable. I made new friends at work that genuinely are good people and like to have me around. I am working on studying for the GRE so I can apply for grad school after I graduate in May. I am a senior in college.
I want to yell at Kyle's family for disowning me over what I said from a place of anger and hurt. I want to scream at my job for not training me on new rides (really, it's been almost four months). I want to dance in my underwear because I've made it. I want to yell at my schoolwork for never ending. I want to kidnap my girlfriends so that they'll actually spend time with me. I want to be 21 so I can go out for drinks after work with my coworkers. I want to date again. I actually really want to date again.
I want to feel those butterflies you get when you're meeting someone new and you're not quite sure where it will go. I want to know that someone has taken an interest in me for something other than my looks or to try to get in my pants (all ex's this means you! Off limits!). I want someone to woo me. I want to get flowers and text messages calling me babe. I want to date and go out and discover new things about someone else. I want to talk and listen and build a conversation.
I want to write. I can't write good poetry to save my life this semester because so much has happened that I can't even begin to write without word vomit ending up on the page. But maybe that word vomit is something beautiful. Just because I write really narrative poems does not mean they don't count. I wish my poetry class would stop telling me to cut the narrative. I have to say what I have to say and this is how I do it.
I want to sleep. Like just sleep without having to worry about an alarm or having somewhere to go or something to do. I want to just be.
I want to tell Kyle that I think he loved me but he didn't know how to be a grown up. I think he still doesn't know how to be a grown up. I want to tell him that his sister is a petty human being who is manipulative as shit about her world and that she needs to realize that cutting things out that you don't like is going to leave you with very few things left. And I want to tell her that keeping her child from ever meeting me because of one thing I said that hurt her feelings is silly. I want to tell her to look back on everything and to really think about how much of an impact I made in that baby's life before they were born. I want to tell her that it isn't fair that I drove her to countless appointments and felt that little foot kick so many times and that I don't get to meet her now. I want to say I feel hurt and I feel a loss. I feel like I'm missing out on something that I put in time and patience waiting for. I wanted to be a part of that child's life. I wanted to stay friends with Kelsey in all honesty. I liked her as a person. She is petty and controlling, but I can be that way too. That's why we butt heads so bad. I wanted to help her handle that baby. I wanted to be a refuge when her mother gets crazy. But I can't. And I will respect that. But I am grieving a loss.
I want to build a life where I am now. And that's exactly what I'm doing. I want to get into grad school so I can stay in this apartment. I love where I live. I want to get a full time job at the mall so I can make enough money to stay once my student loans run out. I want to continue thriving because I feel like I have been through so much, if I can stand tall and succeed after all of that, it will be worth it.
I know I have made mistakes and I have hurt people. I know I will continue making mistakes because I'm human. But that's the beauty in a mistake. You can learn from it and move on. I have wasted so much time in my life wallowing in my bad feelings and the situations life has thrown at me. But now, I feel happy. Genuinely happy. I know now that no matter what, the sun will still come up tomorrow and I will never stop trying until I kick the bucket. I have tons to live for. I have a whole world awaiting me and I want to make the most of it. I am working hard to do well and I know it will pay off in the long run. Because looking back at these last couple months, I am proud I haven't given up and I am proud that I keep moving forward and conquering whatever life throws my way.
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