First Friday back with my girls... hmmm..

So... it is the first Friday back. I wonder what trouble we shall find and how badly my anxiety and introvertedness will rear its ugly head tomorrow/later tonight....

Oh boy.

I think this year will be full of homework. For the most part, I've never had to work too hard in school. Even college last year was relatively easy. This year, I already feel like I'm in over my head. I know I will hit my stride and settle into things, but right now I feel as if I'm going to either fail or lose my mind.

I'm smart and great at organizing my time. I know how to study and I can take good notes. But something about this year feels like a challenge. I welcome it but can still feel ill at ease.

I miss my parents a lot. I miss coming home and talking about my day. I miss a hug and a love you goodnight. Its like going to bed feels empty.

So for now I will take a deep breath and keep moving forward.

yearnings... and very hard class

so. my literary and cultural theory class is going to be the single most mentally and brain power draining class I'm ever going to take. it's fast paced and incredibly packed full of information. I love it, but wednesday nights after three hours of this class i'm going to be a brain dead mush pile. great.

also, i have a strange yearning for something but i dont know what it is yet. i feel as if i'm waiting for something to happen to me but that frightens me. I hate not knowing whats going to happen. I hate waiting for the ability to figure out whats in my own head...

sorry for the bad punctuation in these last few posts. i literally have mere minutes to crank out these posts. real fun.

back to homework. even on my day off i have no time to rest.

somewhere over the rainbow...

he texted again today. my patience is being tried. my heart strings are being tugged. but i held strong.

chris : "hey" (4th time this month, record since we were together....)
me: "look. i'm at school. i like my life. just leave me alone. you blew it."

nothing came after that. the you blew it was a little much but it helps keep my distance. screw him.

you know, i wished last night at 11:11 that he would never text me again. that failed. im mad at all the times i wished for him and nothing but now when i want nothing it works. karma? I would have said fate and used it as a reason to let him back but something has changed.

i feel incredible. school is barely a worry. i love my life and friends. i feel optimistic that its a good year. i refuse to PUT myself back in a place where chris can hurt me again.

ive been dreaming of flying over the rainbow to a better happier place for so long and now im just so calm and real and here. no rainbow needed.

over my rainbow wasnt a place, but simply a peace of mind that came after i let it stop raining.

Missing home

No matter how excited I am about being at school, I still miss home when I crawl in bed and its loud here. I miss the only sounds being the cat. I miss the air conditioning. I miss the sounds of mom going potty at 2am.

I miss my family. But!!! This year there is low anxiety. I am happy and calm.

I feel optimistic and I have a general good feeling about this year.  :)

Back at school

MakWell I'm back. Everything seems good. The freshman girls are a little snottier than I hoped but oh well.

My room is good. For a first night only waking up 3 times isn't bad, especially in this heat. Mak is a great roommate so far. Its good to see my friends again. Life is just kinda floating in the shallows til classes start and we all hit the rapids.

Yes, I have homework now but all in all its good.

No word on the Chris front if anyone wondered. I hope there never comes anything on the Chris front ever, I mean ever, again.

Moving forward at warp speed!

I move back to school tomorrow!!! So excited. Ready for a new year.

I fixed my school plan so I only need 4 classes and I'm just ready for everything new this year.

I have wanted to lash out at Chris a lot lately. I want to just see him and show him somehow that I don't need him anymore. Its not possible though.

I am optimistic that I will hopefully meet someone new this year. Maybe I will see people with new eyes as I've been freed of the pain of Chris in my life. Who knows?