past, present, future

dear Hannah in 2011,

you were finishing high school this year. you were in so much pain. your insides felt so broken. I know the agony that walking through the halls caused you. I know how you skipped every football game. I know how you avoided prom. I know how you walked with your head down and tears streaming down your face. but I also know how much you grew as a person that year. you helped tiffany so much. you were kind and faithful in a world that treated you like nothing. you proved them all wrong. you graduated honorably. you got into a perfect school for you. you made new friends and started over. you still loved a boy though. in 2011, you still believed that he would always love you. two year later, I'm here to tell you he doesn't. I'm here to tell you I'm proud of how much you have over come. and I'm proud of your dedication and perseverance. you make it some day. I promise.

dear Hannah of 2013,

you graduate next year. you are working so hard and have such big goals. you have a very sweet boyfriend who is pretty cute if I do say so. you have a best friend again. she's your roommate and the two of you are hilarious together. you are smart and are learning how to handle life as it comes. you still believe in love, but you know now that it isn't going to make or break the world. you learned how to love yourself first. you are working on boundaries right now. sometimes you get excited and say too much. but sometimes you get scared and say not enough. you are happy. you are also very lucky to have so many people who love you for you. never doubt that.

dear Hannah in 2015,

hopefully I find you in grad school getting your masters to be a psychologist. or maybe you are in the peace corps now. either way, I hope you are working towards something. I wonder if you are still dating Kyle. if you are, wow, congrats. that's two years. good job. I hope you are happy if you are with someone (Kyle or otherwise) or if you are single don't feel pressure. you are only 22. you have years to fall in love and get married. or maybe you got married already. who knows. I just hope you can look back on everything and smile, knowing that you've made it wherever you are and you're going somewhere wherever that may be.

I'm a lucky girl

I have been lucky enough to find a man who genuinely likes me. I have gotten the chance to be someone's someone. I never thought I would be here after high school. But, I'm proud to say I've got me a legit BOYFRIEND! and he's cute so that's a bonus. plus he lets me do my type a thing as he flows on with his type b thing. :) going to bed ten times happier than before.

also, I prayed tonight. it felt good.

Struggling

There is so much in my head right now. I don't even know where to start to work towards goals. Things are so intertwined. I desperately need no homework and just one day to close my eyes for five minutes without thinking. I'm so buried in coursework right now that I am actually behind. I never get behind in class. I actually forgot to do some homework the other day. I felt so bad for forgetting. I'm not the student that forgets. I'm the student who always turns things in weeks early.

I have been enjoying hanging out with Kyle lately. I really like him. He makes me laugh and we get along so well. He's not afraid to tease me and I love how it just makes everything between us so much fun. I haven't felt this way about anyone in a long time. I'm not ever sure what to do with him. I don't know how to be in a grown up relationship. I don't know what I'm doing. Despite that terrifying me, it's exhilarating. However, Kyle does happen to get in the way of my sleep usually and thus affects my performance in class and on homework. I don't want him to go away. I just need to get my type A ass in gear and get a schedule working. But, Kyle is the go with the flow guy so he has a tendency to avoid plans. Strange how the opposites attracted here.

Today, I sat down at my computer and something just called me to play Christian music. I just felt this need to feel God or the universe or whatever close to me. I'm trying to find someplace I can ground myself amid all the hectic life around me. I know I have left God seemingly far behind. I have made choices he would not agree with. However, I am a human. I make mistakes. I follow a whim and end up in a bad place sometimes. But someone once told me, "If you ask God for forgiveness and mean it, he will grant it". I don't know how true that is. And the threat of hell if he doesn't forgive me doesn't scare me. I'll be dead. What'll I know? But I want the peace that comes from knowing that someone in this world listens and doesn't judge. Psychologically speaking, I'm dealing with a bit of confusion over my feelings for Kyle because the last time I felt like this was with Chris and look how well that turned out. I'm trying very hard to hold the scary, needy, annoying, persistent, and easily hurt Hannah inside and it's slowly killing me. I'm also stressing about school and that in turn makes me anxiety bad and my depression comes back. I can feel it sinking into my being and I hate that. I know I should stop and relax so I don't lose it. I just can't right now. I know I'm not going to have another senior year moment, but the terror and those feelings are inside me. I can't shake them and that scares me. I will talk to Mary about this on Tuesday, but in the mean time, I'm on my own.

I Think I Have A Boyfriend?

So, I worked up my courage last night while Kyle was over to ask him if we could be officially dating. He ignored me question at first which annoyed me. But, then he starts by saying "I don't have a fear of committment". In my head I'm thinking oh boy great start here Hannah. Then he follows up and says not right now because there supposedly are "vultures circling" his facebook page. I wittily responded with "I never said on facebook, I'd have to break up with Mak on there and that would break her heart" Then, (I'm a little confused here because I have poor hearing and he was whispering) he said then I suppose I could be your boyfriend. At least, that's what I think I heard. I don't really know how to ask and confirm this without sounding like a) a creep b) needy c)stupid. So, I'm thinking I just let it go, but in the mean time I can think in my head that I've got me a boyfriend. I think?

Some memories don't have to hurt.

I'm learning the joy of taking a memory in stride. I have lived through many moments of strong emotion, both good and bad. Music and sounds and smells will remind me of high school or that old ex. Sometimes I remember being a kid and just playing in the yard. I used to read so much into everything I would remember. I'm just taking it for what it is. I never knew how pleasant it can be to just take it in and let it go without obsessing first. :)

Good Times

I went on a date. Yes, you heard that right. And even more amazing, I let go of my obsessive worry wart tendencies and just stayed in the moment. It was wonderful. I haven't laughed and enjoyed getting to know someone like that in ages. He asked to see me again. He said he would like me to see his parents house sometime. Things are looking really great here. He's sweet. He opened doors for me. He paid for dinner. He had manners and didn't talk with his mouth full. He is awesome. I just had to share my happiness with the world a little bit over here in my corner of the internet. :)

Getting crafty

I needed a headband. So I whipped one up out of an old tee shirt and a hair band. :)