Struggling

There is so much in my head right now. I don't even know where to start to work towards goals. Things are so intertwined. I desperately need no homework and just one day to close my eyes for five minutes without thinking. I'm so buried in coursework right now that I am actually behind. I never get behind in class. I actually forgot to do some homework the other day. I felt so bad for forgetting. I'm not the student that forgets. I'm the student who always turns things in weeks early.

I have been enjoying hanging out with Kyle lately. I really like him. He makes me laugh and we get along so well. He's not afraid to tease me and I love how it just makes everything between us so much fun. I haven't felt this way about anyone in a long time. I'm not ever sure what to do with him. I don't know how to be in a grown up relationship. I don't know what I'm doing. Despite that terrifying me, it's exhilarating. However, Kyle does happen to get in the way of my sleep usually and thus affects my performance in class and on homework. I don't want him to go away. I just need to get my type A ass in gear and get a schedule working. But, Kyle is the go with the flow guy so he has a tendency to avoid plans. Strange how the opposites attracted here.

Today, I sat down at my computer and something just called me to play Christian music. I just felt this need to feel God or the universe or whatever close to me. I'm trying to find someplace I can ground myself amid all the hectic life around me. I know I have left God seemingly far behind. I have made choices he would not agree with. However, I am a human. I make mistakes. I follow a whim and end up in a bad place sometimes. But someone once told me, "If you ask God for forgiveness and mean it, he will grant it". I don't know how true that is. And the threat of hell if he doesn't forgive me doesn't scare me. I'll be dead. What'll I know? But I want the peace that comes from knowing that someone in this world listens and doesn't judge. Psychologically speaking, I'm dealing with a bit of confusion over my feelings for Kyle because the last time I felt like this was with Chris and look how well that turned out. I'm trying very hard to hold the scary, needy, annoying, persistent, and easily hurt Hannah inside and it's slowly killing me. I'm also stressing about school and that in turn makes me anxiety bad and my depression comes back. I can feel it sinking into my being and I hate that. I know I should stop and relax so I don't lose it. I just can't right now. I know I'm not going to have another senior year moment, but the terror and those feelings are inside me. I can't shake them and that scares me. I will talk to Mary about this on Tuesday, but in the mean time, I'm on my own.