Collide

The song Collide by Howie Day is a beautiful song. Its lyrics are perfectly on spot with the way life works. Everyone falls down sometimes. There are people we collide with. I feel like this is what my life is like right now. I am on the verge of colliding with the world around me. The near the edge of my seat waiting for the other shoe to drop feeling is exhilarating. I used to be so afraid of changing the little safe place I find myself in, but I just find myself realizing more and more that life is going to collide. I can either run from it or run into it. I chose to run into it. So what if I fall down? At least I can say I took it head on. I am no coward. Bring on the collision!

Long time no write

I know I haven't posted on here for awhile. And there really isn't an excuse except for that I have been busy enjoying my life and working hard. I work 3 to 4 days a week and have class 4 days a week. I have a lovely boyfriend who I try to spend as much time with as I can. I spend time playing video games or playing with my kitty. My life is pretty simple for once and im loving it. Sure, money is tight right now. Its post holiday spending and a new tv purchase that did me in but all in all, I will survive.

Day by Day

I've been chugging along day by day. I try to get more than 4 hours of sleep but it's hard. I want to hide under the covers sometimes. I just have struggled my way through to the end of my semester. It's crazy to think that april 29 is the last day of classes for me as an undergrad. I literally have like 4.5 months of school left. that's it. then it's time for a taste of the real world. but ya know, I don't know what I want yet. I feel like I should be applying for grad schools and searching for internships, but truth be told, I don't want to. I don't want to start that part of my life yet. I want to take a year or so to just work and live life. hang out with friends. paycheck to paycheck. I kind of want to just be one of those average people living an average life. I'm tired of trying to overachieve all the time. I will have finished my undergrad in 3 years instead of 4. I've gotten pretty stellar grades for most of it (we'll see about this semester). I just kind of want to slow down and breathe. I've been so caught up in all of this I haven't really set a goal for my life or a career I want. I know psychology will influence my career choice, but maybe I want to work a bit and try to advance in my job and see if I like that. Maybe I want to be a supervisor and do that kind of work? it's still working with people and it pays decent. then I could pursue a bigger degree later. Or maybe I want to join the peace corp and go to africa for a couple years and feed starving children. Maybe I want to teach. No. haha. Maybe I want to go into human resources and help people in whatever company I work for. Maybe I want to be a school counselor. Maybe I want to be an astronaut? Who knows. I've been rushing to get "done" with school without any real thought of what comes after I'm done. Maybe I should have waited. Maybe I should have gone more broke to go to school for the full 4 years. Or maybe, I'm on the right path and I'll figure it out like I always do. day by day. one step at a time. Or maybe I'll make my mother angry and work at the mall of america for the rest of my life. haha maybe.

Well despite an ER trip... all is well.

So I had an allergy/asthma attack and spent a night in the ER. D.J. the wonderful guy that he is, stayed by my side the whole time and took the next day off to take care of me. I am one very lucky girl.

Work is going as well as can be expected. Most everyone still likes me. Except Barb but she hates D.J. so now she hates me. I'm hoping to get a fulltime position the next time they open up. We'll see. I'm also looking into possibly going into HR.

School is school. It goes. I'm not excelling like normal this year, but I am still doing really well. I just registered for my last undergraduate courses. It feels weird to be almost done.

So there's this guy...

So there's this guy in my life right now. He's really smart and funny. We can sit and talk for hours, literally hours, about everything under the sun. He's really handsome and he has a fantastic personality. He's considerate and kind. He even helped me wash dishes the other day (dishes are a dreaded chore so that was great). Something about this guy just makes me happy and I feel lucky to have him around. He's also a coworker so that's another thing to talk about. It's a learning experience for both of us because neither one of us has dated a coworker before. We're being pretty good about it I think. We talked about workplace behavior and all that. I just thought I'd put it out there that there's a boy in my life.

I have so much to say but no time to say it.

It seems like the last twoish months have been filled with so many life changes. I am just starting to really slow down enough for the dust to settle. I'm looking around at my life and I feel the need to scream at the things that have happened. I want to praise myself for conquering the challenges and rising above the pain I was feeling. I'm in disbelief of myself. I would never have predicted that I could get to where I am now.

In the last two months, I broke off an engagement, I moved home, I worked 30+ hours a week an hour and a half away from home. I went to school full time. I spent time with friends and family. I moved into an apartment all my own. I got a kitten. I crashed my car. I  broke up someone else's relationship over a dumb mistake. I slept with my ex-fiance because we were both vulnerable. I made new friends at work that genuinely are good people and like to have me around. I am working on studying for the GRE so I can apply for grad school after I graduate in May. I am a senior in college.

I want to yell at Kyle's family for disowning me over what I said from a place of anger and hurt. I want to scream at my job for not training me on new rides (really, it's been almost four months). I want to dance in my underwear because I've made it. I want to yell at my schoolwork for never ending.  I want to kidnap my girlfriends so that they'll actually spend time with me. I want to be 21 so I can go out for drinks after work with my coworkers. I want to date again. I actually really want to date again.

I want to feel those butterflies you get when you're meeting someone new and you're not quite sure where it will go. I want to know that someone has taken an interest in me for something other than my looks or to try to get in my pants (all ex's this means you! Off limits!). I want someone to woo me. I want to get flowers and text messages calling me babe. I want to date and go out and discover new things about someone else. I want to talk and listen and build a conversation.

I want to write. I can't write good poetry to save my life this semester because so much has happened that I can't even begin to write without word vomit ending up on the page. But maybe that word vomit is something beautiful. Just because I write really narrative poems does not mean they don't count. I wish my poetry class would stop telling me to cut the narrative. I have to say what I have to say and this is how I do it.

I want to sleep. Like just sleep without having to worry about an alarm or having somewhere to go or something to do. I want to just be.

I want to tell Kyle that I think he loved me but he didn't know how to be a grown up. I think he still doesn't know how to be a grown up. I want to tell him that his sister is a petty human being who is manipulative as shit about her world and that she needs to realize that cutting things out that you don't like is going to leave you with very few things left. And I want to tell her that keeping her child from ever meeting me because of one thing I said that hurt her feelings is silly. I want to tell her to look back on everything and to really think about how much of an impact I made in that baby's life before they were born. I want to tell her that it isn't fair that I drove her to countless appointments and felt that little foot kick so many times and that I don't get to meet her now. I want to say I feel hurt and I feel a loss. I feel like I'm missing out on something that I put in time and patience waiting for. I wanted to be a part of that child's life. I wanted to stay friends with Kelsey in all honesty. I liked her as a person. She is petty and controlling, but I can be that way too. That's why we butt heads so bad. I wanted to help her handle that baby. I wanted to be a refuge when her mother gets crazy. But I can't. And I will respect that. But I am grieving a loss.

I want to build a life where I am now. And that's exactly what I'm doing. I want to get into grad school so I can stay in this apartment. I love where I live. I want to get a full time job at the mall so I can make enough money to stay once my student loans run out. I want to continue thriving because I feel like I have been through so much, if I can stand tall and succeed after all of that, it will be worth it.

I know I have made mistakes and I have hurt people. I know I will continue making mistakes because I'm human. But that's the beauty in a mistake. You can learn from it and move on. I have wasted so much time in my life wallowing in my bad feelings and the situations life has thrown at me. But now, I feel happy. Genuinely happy. I know now that no matter what, the sun will still come up tomorrow and I will never stop trying until I kick the bucket. I have tons to live for. I have a whole world awaiting me and I want to make the most of it. I am working hard to do well and I know it will pay off in the long run. Because looking back at these last couple months, I am proud I haven't given up and I am proud that I keep moving forward and conquering whatever life throws my way.

Sleep. School. Social Life.Work. Pick Three.

I have worked 40 hours since Saturday. I have slept maybe a total of 15 hours since Saturday. I have gone to school full time this whole week. And I've finished all my homework miraculously. I've seen my friends two days this week, but I've made a wonderful set of new friends at work so I guess working doubles as a social life sorta. So my pick three has been at the expense of my sleep. Which has now come to bite me in the ass, because, guess what?! I'm sick. Yepp. I work 30 hours in the next three days and I'm sick.  Ugh. Oh and did I complain about my hour and a half commute each way? Oh I forgot to mention that? well yeah. So I'm running low on fuel. I just want to sleep. But I can't. I just have to keep in mind that this craziness will end next week when I'm in my apartment finally. Just gotta keep chugging along until then. Then I can go buy my kitten. Cuddle up with it. Sleep to my hearts content and catch up on my tv shows and homework. Only one more week of insanity..