my dream last night

So, last night I fell asleep very late and had eaten a butterfinger before bed. Bad idea. I dreamed that I was at a performance with Chris. It was a pirate ship that was sinking and had to be saved before the bad pirate came and killed you. It was me and Chris on the ship trying to bale water and put out fires. The ship sank too far so they stopped sinking it and sent the bad pirate on the ship. He said he was going to kill Chris, but I jumped up and said not him. Take me instead I'll do anything. Chris didn't even look at me as the pirates dragged me away. I tried to touch him one last time, but I couldn't reach. He looked away. They tied me up in gasoline soaked fabric then proceeded to light me on fire. Chris never looked my way. I woke up after that. I wonder just how indicative of out feelings are our dreams. Maybe this was showing me that even when I am sad and I try to care, I'll get lit on fire and left to die alone. Screw you mister bentz. I would never take death over you.

don't judge me for feeling down.

So it is finally starting to hit me being off of my medicine. I crawled into bed and realized that out of the 12 people I texted, only one answered. Ironically, it was Chris. Guess he wasn't totally ignoring me. It's a shame that he car needs fixing and he can't spend my day off with me tomorrow. I told neil today when he asked how I was that I was lonely. I didn't realize how much so until I was totally alone in the dark in my room wishing for just someone to lay with me for 10 minutes. This sucks. I will be ok. Don't get me wrong. And don't judge me for feeling down. I can do this, but it seriously is kicking my ass at the moment. But I'm no quitter so I shall press onward. Maybe I will let the tears fall. Breathe. Think. Let myself feel the things I try so hard to push out of my mind from 9 to 5 everyday. This is my time. I'm entitled to this. So what if I want to be sad for a little while? It is just a little while. I will wake up tomorrow and take on the world with my strength and courage.

So in the process of trying to grab my phone to type this post, I broke my phone case. Best 1.95 I ever spent. Anyways, on to my post... "I don't love you, and I always will" love this line from poison and wine by the civil wars. Good stuff I can't wait to see mom on Wednesday. I am having a hard day without medicine today. I got really nauseous and I feel very tired and unable to cope. I watched two movies tonight with friends though and that helped a lot. I wish all my texting buddies would answer back. They are all not responding and I start to feel super lonely and neglected then. Maybe I should just get married and call it good. I should sleep, but I'm afraid of my dreams. Last night, I dreamed such painful things I can't even blog them. Plus a lot of it wouldn't scare anyone but me. Goodnight.

Come All the Lost and Lonely

If there is supposed to be a someone for everyone, why, in this world of billions, is it so difficult to find them? What if, sadly, there are those that use up all the love they get in a life time in say, one relationship? Who's to say that the world really does make sense enough for everyone to have a someone? Beyond these normally occurring life contemplating questions, I have increasingly been wondering if maybe there is someone out there for me that I haven't met yet. Maybe, I have my prince charming coming as fast as he can and I need to let life happen before he can get into my life. Maybe, I have rightly been watching the man I thought to be my prince riding away from everything I loved into a life of bad decisions. Maybe, I only think about marrying Rich because I am scared that there will be no one for me. Or maybe he is my prince and I'm too convinced that he's still a frog. (no offense rich). Maybe, maybe, maybe. I can contemplate all I want, but the world will do as it does. Time will move on, I will make choices. I will end up wherever I'm supposed to be.

unbelievable.

Too tired to even attempt to explain my weekend. Off to sleep. Posts to follow.

need to ramble

So this is one of those posts that y'all can ignore cause I just gotta voice stuff in my brain to be able to sleep.

Putting walls up is easier than taking them down.

Being right doesn't always feel good.

Expressing what we want sometimes makes it real.

Boys are confusing.

School is a lot of work. Even though I love it..

I need to remember to have courage.

Memories don't have to hurt if we don't let them.

Blisters happen way too easily in heels.

I am happy at how clean and clear my skin is lately.

I weight 130 pounds. Yikes!

I am healthy.

I am doing well in classes. (A's in all)

I miss being in a relationship.

I seriously have been thinking about dating Rich, but don't tell him that.

I love, love, love the smell and heartbeat of laying on Chris's chest. But that doesn't ever happen so forget it.

I am lonely.

I love being single.

I have dilemas.

I want to get high super bad for 4/20.. I know that's dumb and all, but it would be fun to bond with all my friends over some weed.

I love having my nails painted pretty colors.

Music is awesome when you are trying to shut your brain up.

But sometimes it makes the thoughts worse.

I hate that I've only been one day off meds and my head is already racing. But I am in control still.

I refuse to let medicine control my happiness or ability to live life the way I want to.

I am excited to see Aerosmith in concert in June.

I have decided Johnny Depp is my favorite actor and I made him my laptop background.

I miss having sex consistently in a relationship. Chris and I never had problems there. I guess that's why that part has survived best through all our crap. And we're friends which makes me really happy because he is around, but at a safe distance. And oh shit. Won't even write that out.

Anyways... I don't love Chris. Nope. I don't. He's stupid.

I need to remind myself of that one sometimes.

He gets stuck in my head with his little cute things and I have to remember that they are only moments and not how he really feels all the time. Plus he wants to do drugs like ecstacy and cocaine. Dumb ideas. Weed I can accept. Anything more is bad.

I still wanna get high.

I want a cuddle buddy, but guys only want me naked or they are stuck in my friend zone.

Life ain't always beautiful. Great song and true words

This is a long post, but I am feeling better.

I wonder if I can have wine at the wedding tomorrow?

I should be sleeping.

My brain won't shut up..

I hate sleeping on wet hair.

I love my tigger pillow pet. He rocks. My sister is the best.

I hope I can get a perfect present for mom for mothers day.

I hope my sister gets help and stops being anorexic or malnourished or fucked up and starts getting better. I hope she finds a therapist as amazing as my mary is.

I miss church sometimes.

I don't miss church. I miss faith. I miss feeling that God presence in my life. I should pray more.

I think it's funny when paige sleep moans and mumbles.

I miss seeing baby romy.

I want to have kids someday, but not anytime soon.

Chris and I would have had a beautiful baby. Too bad I couldn't do it.

I hate my body for never doing what it is supposed to.

I want to marry steven tyler.

I sometimes still get sad about my miscarriage. But still don't want to talk about it. So shush.

I think blogging is amazing.

I want to watch rent on stage again. I miss that feeling. It was so real.

I smell clean.

I should sleep now.

I'm not alone.

I can do this.

Breathe.

Sleep.

God bless.

class registration

Yay for me! Class registration went off without a hitch. I got into all my classes and this little duckling is one happy camper.

However, I spent the rest of my day (after a quick field trip to Open Book, which was awesome) in bed. I have felt beyond tired and stressed out. I know I can do this, but it won't be easy. Lot's of good sleep and low stress and I can do it. Maybe the low stress will be a problem, but I can do it!

So, I am attempting to take 5 classes in the fall. That is a class above the norm. I will be very busy. I am excited for the challenge and I love the classes I'm taking so I should do well.

Now, just one month left...