need to ramble

So this is one of those posts that y'all can ignore cause I just gotta voice stuff in my brain to be able to sleep.

Putting walls up is easier than taking them down.

Being right doesn't always feel good.

Expressing what we want sometimes makes it real.

Boys are confusing.

School is a lot of work. Even though I love it..

I need to remember to have courage.

Memories don't have to hurt if we don't let them.

Blisters happen way too easily in heels.

I am happy at how clean and clear my skin is lately.

I weight 130 pounds. Yikes!

I am healthy.

I am doing well in classes. (A's in all)

I miss being in a relationship.

I seriously have been thinking about dating Rich, but don't tell him that.

I love, love, love the smell and heartbeat of laying on Chris's chest. But that doesn't ever happen so forget it.

I am lonely.

I love being single.

I have dilemas.

I want to get high super bad for 4/20.. I know that's dumb and all, but it would be fun to bond with all my friends over some weed.

I love having my nails painted pretty colors.

Music is awesome when you are trying to shut your brain up.

But sometimes it makes the thoughts worse.

I hate that I've only been one day off meds and my head is already racing. But I am in control still.

I refuse to let medicine control my happiness or ability to live life the way I want to.

I am excited to see Aerosmith in concert in June.

I have decided Johnny Depp is my favorite actor and I made him my laptop background.

I miss having sex consistently in a relationship. Chris and I never had problems there. I guess that's why that part has survived best through all our crap. And we're friends which makes me really happy because he is around, but at a safe distance. And oh shit. Won't even write that out.

Anyways... I don't love Chris. Nope. I don't. He's stupid.

I need to remind myself of that one sometimes.

He gets stuck in my head with his little cute things and I have to remember that they are only moments and not how he really feels all the time. Plus he wants to do drugs like ecstacy and cocaine. Dumb ideas. Weed I can accept. Anything more is bad.

I still wanna get high.

I want a cuddle buddy, but guys only want me naked or they are stuck in my friend zone.

Life ain't always beautiful. Great song and true words

This is a long post, but I am feeling better.

I wonder if I can have wine at the wedding tomorrow?

I should be sleeping.

My brain won't shut up..

I hate sleeping on wet hair.

I love my tigger pillow pet. He rocks. My sister is the best.

I hope I can get a perfect present for mom for mothers day.

I hope my sister gets help and stops being anorexic or malnourished or fucked up and starts getting better. I hope she finds a therapist as amazing as my mary is.

I miss church sometimes.

I don't miss church. I miss faith. I miss feeling that God presence in my life. I should pray more.

I think it's funny when paige sleep moans and mumbles.

I miss seeing baby romy.

I want to have kids someday, but not anytime soon.

Chris and I would have had a beautiful baby. Too bad I couldn't do it.

I hate my body for never doing what it is supposed to.

I want to marry steven tyler.

I sometimes still get sad about my miscarriage. But still don't want to talk about it. So shush.

I think blogging is amazing.

I want to watch rent on stage again. I miss that feeling. It was so real.

I smell clean.

I should sleep now.

I'm not alone.

I can do this.

Breathe.

Sleep.

God bless.