Project proposal. Presentation. Reading after reading. Cleaning. Waiting to hear about a roommate. End of j-term. Beginning of spring term. Not enough sleep. Not hungry enough. Too hungry. Focused. Unfocused. Sick. Confused. Cold. Hot. Early. Late. New people in the dorms. New schedule soon.
These things would stress out most people. I have anxiety, depression, and OCD. Everything that stresses me out causes mini internal panics. The panics make me scared. Being scared makes the depression worse. Stress means time crunch which limits how much I can do to combat the OCD. Not taking care of the OCD makes more anxiety which starts the cycle all over again.
Many people don't understand that mental illnesses are just like any other sickness. There is medicine to treat it, but there are also more wholistic and self-help things too. My problems don't define who I am, but they certainly affect it. For me, I am constantly on edge about something. It takes a toll on my brain and my health. I get sick easily and sometimes I freak out about school projects and either over do them or just forget them at all and do nothing. When you tell me, or anyone with anxiety, to not worry and just breathe it doesn't help. I cannot help obsessing and worrying about things. It is a part of my body that I cannot control. I am working on it, but it takes time.
I am freaking out right now because the j-term is almost over and I have no clue how next semester will be. The first day of new classes and school always scared me. Ever since I was little I had issues with school starting. The new semester is the same way. I get jittery, and hyper then I crash and become a crying worrying mess. I have a hard time explaining the anxiety about this. The best I can explain is like ia really heavy bomb in my chest that I can hear ticking faster and faster the closer I get to whatever makes me anxious. It is like I'm just trying to hold the grenade with my internal organs because the pin has been pulled. It is a horrible feeling.
I miss my mom on nights and moments like this. No matter how old I was or am she always sits with me and hugs me and reassures me that it will be ok and I will get through. It never made the anxiety go away, but I remember countless nights crawling into her lap after I tried to sleep and couldn't. She would just let me sit there and be comforted by her presence. And my dad would sit up when I was freaking out and help calm me down and make me feel stronger and more confident that I would make it through.
Being on my own is great. I'm learning so much here and I really love my life. However, I miss my parents being there whenever I need them. I know they are just a phonecall away, but I really miss being able to crawl in their laps and pretend like feeling 5 is ok and being scared is only temporary.
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