Every moment in life we are learning. We learn as young children not to touch hot stoves when we burn our middle finger and then flick off a priest. We learn how to tie our shoes and go to school. We learn how to make friends and how to make enemies. We learn right from wrong. Then we grow to be teenagers. We learn how people lie. We learn how to BE cool and how to BE lame. We learn how to procrastinate. We learn how to love. We learn about heartbreak. We learn about life. Then we graduate. In college we learn so much so fast. Here we learn what friendship really is. We learn the real meanings of silly words like cool or lame. We learn how to grow a real relationship. We learn about ourselves. We learn our likes and dislikes. We learn how to drink and smoke and have scary promiscuous sex. We learn the effects of choices. We learn to think before we act and speak. We learn to grow as ourselves. Then we graduate again. Now, we are adults in the real world with lives that often depend on us. We learn to work and to be adult. We learn about marriage and babies. We learn about loss and grief. We begin to slightly understand all the things we've learned our whole lives. And someday, far in the future, after babies and grandbabies and hopefully great grandbabies, we die.
Why learn so much if we never teach? Every life experience that makes us unique is something that someone else may experience and look for someone to guide them through. Every decision we've made, wrong or right, people look at and judge and model themselves after. We teach by living.
I have not always had it easy. In fact, I have had some very hard things in my life. I have had major depression. I have anxiety and OCD. I have attachment issues. I am adopted. I have been heartbroken. I have been to a whole lot of scary mental places for someone who is only almost 19. But I know, despite how hard this may be for me, someone out there could hear my story and be where I was and be saved because I showed them I made it through. Someone out there may be dying and I am lucky to be healthy (for the most part). There are people that have problems like me and worse than me. I know I can make a difference with just my voice.
I want to speak at my old high school. I want to start a campaign to have recent graduates come back and tell their stories. There are so many young adults out there that might just hear what I have to say and have it make a difference. Sure, I know that there are many that will laugh, sleep, and text their way through my talk. But, if I can get through to just one student and help them past where they are it wouldn't matter.
I have written a lot this evening. I'm processing some hard stuff right now. These last few days are trying my patience and my nerves. But I am ok. I am learning that people will come into our lives and make it a beautiful place, and they may leave you alone and go away without a second thought. Other people do not believe as I do. Others make choices I am avoiding. Those people are not the people that matter. The ones who matter are the parents to call at anytime when you need an ear. They are the friends across the hall that would wake up for you despite finals in the morning or stay up all night just because you didn't want to be alone. They are the people that tolerate your problems and try to help make them better. It is these people that stay in our lives. Some are lucky to find these friends at a young age and keep them as life-long friends. Others discover them later as the slightly tarnished, but beautiful people that they are. My friends make all the difference. Where I have been has shaped me yes, but it does not define me. Only I can say who I am.
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