Usually when I get stressed, I enjoy relaxing and remembering happy times with Chris. Not only has this pastime (disturbing I'll admit) lost its enjoyment but it takes work.
I laid in bed tonight and was thinking how I wish someone would come hold me. I didn't think of Chris. I didn't imagine one of the assholes I used to think I wanted. I thought of Rich.
I thought of how his arms seemed inviting. I imagined laying my head on his chest and hearing a new heartbeat.
Now I know rich may very well be reading this and rolling his eyes. I'm quite serious though. I meant it when I told him that he's not a fall back. I'm an idiot girl who failed to realize what's been in front of me for the last year. I've spent so much time burying my feelings that I had to really be honest with myself before I saw what I wanted. Grant it, I can't change the way things worked out, but I hope Rich realizes that I'm actually pretty hurt that he turned me away.
I cried when he told me no. I cried when I realized I was picturing things that won't happen. I'm terrified to talk to him in person again because part of me wants to hit him for hurting me and the rest of me just wants to kiss him.
Merry finals week to all and to all a good Christmas break! Boo.
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