Still?

Still, he jumps into my mind sometimes. It's getting to be less frequent, but it just throws my day off. I hate that despite everything, I still miss how things used to be two years ago. I hate that it's been two years since we were together. I hate that so much has changed. I hate that love happened. I hate him now.

I wish so much that I would never have fallen in love with him. I hate how much it disrupted my life. I hate that my heart knows Chris as love. Everyone else gets inevitably compared to him and I hate that. Nothing ever feels right. I haven't felt really connected to anyone since he left. I have friends and all that, but no one special. I don't know how to love someone else.

I hate that my life has been so destroyed by him, yet he never once stopped enough to realize I wasn't his anymore. Grant it, until now, I had never really left. I just can't believe that he truly loved me, if he did I feel like he would have tried harder or something!

So I guess I'm healing. Everyday is a step away from him. I haven't broken down yet and it's going well. Sometimes, I just can help but say, I miss him. Still.

Bing Crosby

I blame my mother for my love of this man's voice. When we watched White Christmas every year for Christmas, I fell in love. It is my mother's favorite movie.

So, when I finally jumped on the Pandora bandwagon, I added a Bing Crosby channel. I'm so happy. Best homework music and just relaxing music. Plus, it reminds me of Christmas at home.

On an unrelated note, I have missed Starbucks when I was home. I have a coffee problem now. Great.

Good times

I love how I'm working towards going out more frequently. Like tonight. We hit up a small party and I actually enjoyed myself.

Plus me and Mak looked so cute!

Wednesday! AHHHH!

I dislike my Wednesday schedule. I have three classes, one of which is three hours from 6-9 at night. Very draining.

Also, it is raining and makes me want to sleep.

Caffeine is a good friend today... diet coke, diet coke, grande espresso mocha, diet coke, starbucks refresher green tea natural caffeine thing, diet coke. oh wednesday...

Red lipstick does wonders for confidence.

I was feeling a little off this morning so I took my hour to get ready and put on a cute dress and decided to rock my red lipstick. I found a shade I love and I'm boosting my confidence with a little bit out there lipstick.

I never used to understand how some people can pull off red lipstick, but the right shade is everything I suppose.

I bounced higher than I knew I could

We had a BBQ for welcome days. They had Famous Dave's and cotton candy and snowcones and spin art and inflatables and trikes and best of all, trampolines. I'm talking the strap you in and attach you to massive bungee cords and watch you shoot up in the air and do flips. I was terrified. But, my lovely roommate Mak made me get in line and do it. I was so scared the first jump up there. Then, I took a breath and flipped. I did a very lame, almost got stuck, back flip. But I did it. I couldn't stop afterwards. I only got off when one of my legs started cramping.

It proved something to me that I had been ignoring. I can do amazing things when I take a deep breath and try. So often I find myself afraid to join that club or answer that question in class or even just smile at the cute guy in the hall (so very awesomely often in a towel). I convince myself that I'm going to fail or someone will laugh at me. Failing is one thing, but the laughter terrifies me. I admit, from my high school hell days the laughter scarred me. It hurt so bad and I'm still afraid it will hurt again. I know I'm strong, but how can I be strong when someone just finds me a source of entertainment? It's a work in progress. However, I feel more sure of myself now that I bounced.

Part of me tonight is missing Chris. I know in the very bottom of my soul that I do not need to contact him nor would I. I find myself reaching for him when I feel exposed to so much new things. I'm acoustomed to falling back on him being there. I feel really exposed now that I cut ties with such finality. I feel like that dream where you wake up someplace public and you're completely naked. I'm scrambling for something to hold onto but in my heart I know it's time to stop holding on and maybe try to let go. No Chris for me, but a little part of me is curious to see if he'll keep trying to text me throughout the year. hee hee I deserve a little attention :p

My first weekend back

We hit up the dry frat and my friends disappeared except for the roomie. We came back at 11:30 and went to sleep shortly after. Yepp.

Saturday consisted of phone calls and movies. No homework but a good attempt. Also, I bought a new laptop.

Good weekend so far.