We had a BBQ for welcome days. They had Famous Dave's and cotton candy and snowcones and spin art and inflatables and trikes and best of all, trampolines. I'm talking the strap you in and attach you to massive bungee cords and watch you shoot up in the air and do flips. I was terrified. But, my lovely roommate Mak made me get in line and do it. I was so scared the first jump up there. Then, I took a breath and flipped. I did a very lame, almost got stuck, back flip. But I did it. I couldn't stop afterwards. I only got off when one of my legs started cramping.
It proved something to me that I had been ignoring. I can do amazing things when I take a deep breath and try. So often I find myself afraid to join that club or answer that question in class or even just smile at the cute guy in the hall (so very awesomely often in a towel). I convince myself that I'm going to fail or someone will laugh at me. Failing is one thing, but the laughter terrifies me. I admit, from my high school hell days the laughter scarred me. It hurt so bad and I'm still afraid it will hurt again. I know I'm strong, but how can I be strong when someone just finds me a source of entertainment? It's a work in progress. However, I feel more sure of myself now that I bounced.
Part of me tonight is missing Chris. I know in the very bottom of my soul that I do not need to contact him nor would I. I find myself reaching for him when I feel exposed to so much new things. I'm acoustomed to falling back on him being there. I feel really exposed now that I cut ties with such finality. I feel like that dream where you wake up someplace public and you're completely naked. I'm scrambling for something to hold onto but in my heart I know it's time to stop holding on and maybe try to let go. No Chris for me, but a little part of me is curious to see if he'll keep trying to text me throughout the year. hee hee I deserve a little attention :p
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