Uh oh.

I keep my walls high and very thick. No one is getting in here.

Well so I thought. I have stirrings of potential feelings for someone I see as one of if not my best guy friend. How this happened I have no idea. I don't know what I even want with this. Its not a good idea for so many reasons so I'm trying to ignore it. However the urge to kiss him at inappropriate times fails to disappear.

Then there is the little issue of my hopes for something with the guy who calls me beautiful all the time. He's adorable and sweet but I'm not sure that would be a good idea.

Then there is the issue of keeping Chris away for good now.

Lastly, someone that I've wanted for a long time is so close I can almost grab him. But, I have the most sickening feeling that I'm going to get hurt. Really bad. I want to text him all the time and whenever I see him I literally have to remind myself to be cool. And when I stupidly got caught staring this morning I responded even dumber with "I'm exhausted". I coulda said something much better. I tried to ignore this guy and put him in the closed box but he showed up and is now so close. I want to just be patient and wait for him to move here but its so not who I am. I make the girl move and prompt him to move. I can't ask him out. It would be bad. He'd say no and then id be rejected, sad, and really disappointed. No good.

So my walls have failed me. Uh oh.

How did I get so behind??

Well, so much for good sleep. 3:30am... You and I are not friends.

I still have 2 poems to write, 20 pages of theory articles to read, 18 pages of religion articles to read, a religion response paper, a poetry response paper, and a rough draft of my major theory paper is due Friday 3-4 pages single spaced. Ugh!!! What have I even accomplished?

But, it is almost 4am. I give up at 4am. Nothing productive will happen until about 9am. 5hours of sleep then up I go.

Beware of a stressed and cranky Hannah. Sorry.

Only a little stupid.

So my wonderful roommate and I decided to hit up the party train. We downed a shot, got dinner, downed a mixed drink that was mostly booze, and stumbled our way, laughing our asses off back to our dorm at the wee hour of 10:30. No actual party. We talked to party friends, but decided not to go out.

Instead, we ninja snuck across campus. Laughing at everything. Then it decided to downpour so we went and ran in all the puddles we could find while blissfully laughing into the sky. I felt very clean and oddly at peace with the world. It was as if God was pouring out my sadness right on me and letting it all melt away. I was not cold, alcohol's fault, but I felt the world around me touch my heart. I felt truly blessed.

Then we stumbled in. Took another shot. Ran across campus in every puddle to get ice cream because that is what two darling, soaking, hysterically laughing college gals do. Of course. Ice cream in hand, we shuffled across campus again. This time sharing about the joys of being inebriated and just stupid. We don't do stupid very often.

In the dorm we danced and laughed and danced and laughed and fell over on each other and laughed and called boys and laughed  and generally just laughed. I don't know why things were funny, but I know the two of us were laughing so hard that my abs still hurt. We needed that laugh. We deserve that laugh. Gosh darn it, we have been so good we deserve some fun!

Then, Mak, love her, started feeling woozy so the fun slowly died down. We started a movie and gave up because she had to throw up. We trecked downstairs to the empty bathroom that looks like the one from Harry Potter and sat there talking about how much fun we'd been having. She ended up not puking, but we walked back upstairs. She crawled in bed, I filled water bottles and set out the garbage for her to use if necessary. She passed out safely snoring, and I settled in to watch friends. Quiet, me time. Ahh.

I didn't feel sick for more than a minute, but I also drank more water than her... Ahh c'est la vie.

So, now I am wide awake enjoying my time alone, with the sleeping roommate. I'm pondering how I called Neil, Brandon Bowie, Austin, Cole, and Cody and none of them answered, but Austin called me back. He was drunk too. And despite my desire to call Chris out of habit, I made the good drunk decision not to. Partially because I deleted his number and my fuzzy brain couldn't remember it and partially because I know it won't do me any good. Mom was right when we talked this weekend. Calling or talking to Chris won't make any differences in the weird relationship we have. He is going to come and go because he's too dumb to figure out that he might actually like me. And I have the choice to make on whether or not I let him in my life. I thought I wanted to talk to him and figure feelings out and why we do what we do over and over again without changing anything, but it's insane. So, my little drunk butt learned a lesson tonight, call your friends and they'll find you funny. Call an ex and it won't do any good. Ever.

I wish I had some way to prove to you all that I won't go scampering off to talk to him the next time he shows up, but I don't. I wish I had something to prove to myself that I won't want to go scampering back to him the next time he shows up. Maybe, if I write it down every day I might start believing it.... Hmmmm. New idea...

Anyways, despite being pretty darn smashed earlier this evening, I was only a little stupid.

Blood donation.

I donated blood today. Then the guy sat me up too fast and I forgot breakfast and passed out. Otherwise it was good.

I'm starting to feel the familiar sting of rejection and losing friends again. I understand that I'm not perfect and what everyone wants in a friend. But, if you are my friend then why leave? Why cut me out? I feel like the friend that no one wants.

Chris never answered me about talking things out. So I said "you are a coward and I don't know why I ever loved you" and moved on. Probably, he will text in a few months. If he agrees to talk for real then I will answer otherwise I deserve better.

I am hurt about Mak looking at an apartment with tavia. I'm sad I wasn't invited. I'm sad they didn't think of me in their plans of where to live next year. I'm deeply hurt that Mak didn't tell me honestly that she was going to look at a place with tavia. I'm upset that I am not my roommates first choice for a roommate next year. I hate that I get left behind. I'm being abandoned again.

So I donated blood. I feel like I just got robbed of my friends and somehow, everything and everyone else is still more important than me.

Another letter to Mr. Bentz

Hello again darling,

I have long let slide your refusal to talk about us as friends or otherwise. I have let you come into my life and leave again without much of a fight.

However, I'm tired of it. I deserve to talk shit out like adults. We've known each other a long time now and I feel I deserve better from you.

I don't want us back together, but me being me, I need to talk about why we keep finding ourselves together again. You are a horrible friend. You are an emotionally damaging boyfriend. And you don't know how to love anyone but yourself. The only good thing we have now is sex. And trust me hun, I don't need you for that. There are plenty of men knocking on my door that will treat me with more respect than you ever do.

I used to believe we could talk about anything. But that's not true. You run when things get serious or real.

So here's the deal. You leave me alone forever now. I don't want to hear from you. I don't want to see you. I don't even want to remember us. Because baby, I can't believe I ever loved you.

I know you don't ever listen to me, but please, listen just this once and go away forever.

I do not love you. There is no forever anymore, except without you.

Goodbye Chris.

-Hannah Meyers

Tomorrow.

I will be voting No tomorrow on both the marriage amendment and the voter id amendment. I believe strongly that our rights should not be infringed upon. I want everyone to be able to share in marriage no matter who they love. No one should get to say someone isn't allowed the benefits and recognition that only marriage brings. I also believe the voter id amendment is slowly taking our voting rights away. I'm a student and with the amendment I would no longer be able to register tomorrow to vote. I would have to get home to vote where my state id lists my address. I believe that living in the cities 9 months out of the year makes me a St.Paul citizen and I should be able to vote here without having to go through the pain to change my address on my id twice a year to reflect my current residence.

I will stand by my views and I will happily talk with you if you don't understand why I'm voting the way I am.

Also, new Aerosmith album tomorrow!!!!! :)

My Head is Swimming

There has been an unbelievable amount of stuff going on in my personal and academic life lately. I'm busy trying to outline and begin a paper worth 50% of my theory class.  I'm in the midst of putting together my poetry for the end of the semester, quickly approaching. I'm also trying to help a friend through a really tough time. I'm working through things with Katie. I'm also putting Chris on the back burner as some new opportunities have popped up. I'm exploring my individuality and my beliefs. I'm interested in possibly taking on a religion minor. We'll see. I've also been dealing with frequent headaches and some more noticeable anxiety. I'm working on figuring out what I want to do relationship wise. I'm exploring a couple new guys as potential people I might like to either get to know better or eventually date. We'll see.

My head is swimming with all this stuff, but I'm really good. I'm growing and becoming who I want to be. I'm finding I'm very happy despite the amount of stress I'm under. My head may be swimming, but I'm sure floating along the winding river of this crazy life. I'm just praying I don't hit any rapids...