Just a Pendulum

My feelings are a pendulum right now. One minute I'm ok and I'm confident that I'll get my life together and the next I'm near tears and shaking randomly because I'm scared about where my life is going and I miss Kyle like crazy. I'm tired of the back and forth. I always know what I want and right now I don't and it's terrifying.

Finding a New Balance

Right now, I am finding my new balance in life. It is hard to drive everywhere, but good. I love my job and I love school. I love Kyle too so life is pretty good.

It's a balance to learn and it will all change again soon enough, but for right now I feel like I am in a good place.

Upside Down Inside Out

My life has changed so drastically in the last week that I still haven't really grasped it all. I went from being engaged and living with the love of my life to being single and moving back to my parents to being just in a relationship and living at my parents to being in a relationship and staying part time with Kyle. The catalyst of all of this was Kyle's mother screaming at the top of her lungs in my face, calling me a "spoiled little school bitch" and saying that I should be checked into a mental institution. I yelled back because she backed me into a corner. I don't feel bad. I couldn't live there with her. I tried to get Kyle to have her leave, but he didn't pick me. Instead I got booted out. Now Kyle and I are rebuilding a relationship that was so burdened down by the mass amount of life around it that it's gasping for air now. We're enjoying each other and doing our best to make us the best. I do still want to get our own place like we had agreed to do at the end of the lease. That means I have three months of this craziness before we can live happily ever after. That is if Kyle keeps that plan. The way things look, he will probably still choose his mother and continue enabling her poor behavior. I'm still appaled at Kyle for not stepping in and telling his mom to back off. He should have protected me. That should have been the end of it for him, but she won. She always wins. I can't stand her. I have no respect for the woman. I wouldn't even blink if she were to disappear. She is a horrible human being and doesn't deserve the dirt off the bottom of my shoe let alone the love and affection of her son when she treats me, who was his FIANCE, like a sac of garbage. It reflects poorly on Kyle too for not making a better choice and failing to stick up for me. So now,  we're in this mess. I am trying to have faith that it will end ok, but right now I just feel so baseless and like I just don't know which way is up or down.

Will I ever feel ok?

Just feeling like my life isn't going in the right direction. I was getting married now I'm not. I was living with friends this year, now I'm not. I was working a retail job, now I'm not (that one is ok though). I feel like my life has just gotten turned upside down and I'm scrambling to land right side up. I know what I want. I know what I need. I'm happy with Kyle and he's happy with me, but I'm so afraid that king, his army battle buddy, will never like me and thus Kyle will never marry me. I can't shake the feeling like its not me that's the problem with getting married. I know Kyle wants us to last and I do too so that I'm ok with waiting to be sure of, but I also know Kyle respects kings opinion and right now, king doesn't like me. He probably is annoyed at ne calling Kyle. He's probably annoyed with me texting Kyle. He's probably annoyed that Kyle and I love each other because from what I can tell, the only woman king respects and cares about is his mom and even that is a stretch. So really... I'm afraid I'll never get the happy ending I dream about. I'm afraid that Kyle won't ever see me in the place in his life that I want to be. I'm scared that I will be abandoned by the man I love because his dumb friend can't get over Kyle being happy with someone and loving them as much as they both love the army.

Just Keep Swimming

I'm doing the right little fishy thing (I'm a pisces, it's an appropriate pun) and I just keep swimming. I could worry and I could fret. But really? It's not worth it. Kyle and I will either be ok or we won't. Mary said I'm putting in too much effort for not enough payback but I don't know how to be with someone and not give my all. Yes, I'll talk to Kyle and tell him I feel like he could do more,but I will never stop trying. That's who I am. You can ask me to quit, but unless I'm ready to quit, I won't give up. I go after the things I want in life and I work hard at what matters to me. That's how I've accomplished so much with school and personal growth. I'm determined to make the best of my life.

Daydreaming

I love my job. Its tiring. Its long. Its frustrating. But the one thing its not is boring. Yes I can think because the button pushing is monotonous but its active enough that I don't over think. That, I love.

Kyle and I are good. We haven't talked since he left but he's sent texts and let me know I'm still being thought of. We need to work on communicating better when he's away but we're still learning.

Well my break is done. Off to screaming children and inner peace.

Back to Normalcy

Life is back to normal for these two days when Kyle is home. It's good to feel safe and comfortable in our relationship again. We aren't out of the woods by any means. We have plenty to work on, but I'm feeling confident that whatever our outcome may be, it will be the right one.

It's nice to be missed and to hear him say I love you again now that he's home. I know that when he's gone this next time (3-17) I will have to work to make sure that I don't lean on him too much when he's gone. I know I need to stay busy and I have plans to do so. I love Kyle so much and I'm willing to work on the flaws in myself that cause us difficulty. I also know that these parts of my personality need to change regardless of a man. I have to work on bettering myself as a person and in doing so I will hopefully show Kyle that I'm not as broken as I first appeared.

I am ready for the challenges I will face as an Army wife. I hope that in these next two trips when Kyle is away that he will see that I can be the wife he wanted and that we will make it together. I am hoping that we still get married in January, but if we postpone it, I'm ok with that too. I'd rather be happy and not married than married and unhappy.