Falling Into Place

Found a place to get married. Got a job. Kyle should be home from drill in a few hours hopefully. Buying the Across The Universe soundtrack because it makes me happy. Also if someone really loves me they should buy me the delux box set of all the beatles albums. It's only 180 bucks on amazon.. Any takers? lol

So now I'm off to figure out job and school stuff. Ta Ta!

Slipping

I didn't want to get a place with my mother in law. I thought I could suck up my feelings for a year. But after talking with her last week I realized I would be putting myself in a position to get hurt if I lived with her. She told me to move home and not get married. That deeply hurt my feelings. So I changed my mind. I told Kyle I can't do it. Because I can't. I felt miserable after that talk. But I feel worse now.

She came over again last night to talk. She wanted me to reconsider. I calmly defended my point and she kept pushing. In the end, I just got fed up trying to be nice and told her my opinion. I don't think a parent should rely on their child to rescue them. I don't think a grown woman should do that. I didn't like being bullied and I don't feel comfortable living with or near her. I said if she just needs a little time then she should go to a women's shelter until she's up on her feet. Not use her children for that. It is not their job. I tried so hard to leave Kyle out of this. But at the end, she asked him what he really thought about this. He stood by me and I feel like absolute poop for getting him into that position. I almost wanted to up and leave so none of this would happen again because of me. But I don't want to leave Kyle. I love him with my whole heart. She then proceeded to storm off and leave. She said she had finally met her match. Then when I said I didn't want Kyle to have to choose she said "yes you did. You finally got what you wanted". That isn't true. I wanted to say no to living together then move forward in a healthy relationship with her. But that wasn't an option for her. She had to try manipulating the situation.

I held my ground and I'm glad I did. I'm just slipping now on my hold of everything. I feel depressed so deeply I didn't want to move to pee this morning. I keep flashing back to her yelling and I'm tormented by the position I got Kyle into. I feel so so horrible because I promised I would never do that to him. I appreciate him standing behind me with my choices and everything so very much. But I feel like he shouldn't have to pick a side. And worst of all is that I don't know how to make it any better.

Wow

Mother in laws are hard. More later.

The road is a long and winding one...

After countless hurdles and people telling us no, the perfect wedding scenario in my head is just no longer a reality. I won't be getting married this summer. While I'm sad for  variety of reasons I'm not sad about putting it off. Its the right thing to do and gives me and Kyle a far better chance in this difficult world.

We will be getting married on January 18th of 2014. Just in case you wondered.

His mother is a challenge. I envy those women who become close friends with their mother in laws. I probably never will have that relationship with Ana Bella because she feels as if I am stealing her son. Someone who calls their childs significant other a bitch, no matter what the context, does not deserve a place close to my heart. I bear her no ill will. I wish her happiness and I hope she can get to a place where she doesn't rely on others for her happiness. However, its not my job to rescue her and move in with her so she can be happy. And after how she treated me and made me feel, I don't want that at all.

It was only after her involvement that we decided to postpone our wedding. She is manipulative. I refuse to let her do that anymore.

So we postponed the wedding. I'm ok with that. I'm mad at her involvement. But that will pass in time.

I shouldn't and don't feel bad for wanting to live with my husband and only my husband once we're married. I want to start our life together and not our life with his mom. I shouldn't feel bad for asking my fiance to stand up and back me against the things she has said. I shouldn't feel like she is making my fiance love me less. That hurts me.

It has been a long week. I have moved forward and back countless times. I'm in a place now where I can optimistically look forward to our life together and I'm not afraid to stand up for what I need. Its been a long road, but I'm finally looking from the top of the hill. I see a beautiful valley ahead.

I want it back!

I got my ring sized. Got it back today. It was still too big. Brought it back in. Now won't have it for another week. I've had my ring for 3 days out of the like 14 that we've been engaged. Not cool.

On the bright side, we might be moving out of the apartment sooner. Id be happy to start our life together without crazy pregnant sister living there. Seriously, I thought I could lose it sometimes, but DAMN she wins at yelling and freaking out. Stupid butt yelled and tweaked so much last night that she got chest pains and cramping. Even the baby knows that yelling is bad!

So all in all life is still moving. Don't have much else to say.

The Wedding Buzz

So besides finals week sucking the fun out of everything, this whole getting married business is pretty darn exciting. I'm still trying to get the fiance to pin down a date, but never the less, I'm excited. We will be married and starting a wonderful life together. After I graduate and we have our big wedding, who knows where we'll go. He wants to head down to Georgia to be a drill sergeant. I want to go to grad school. We both really want kids (no need to fear, not until after I graduate at least undergraduate if not graduate school). Yeah, life has kind of revolved around wedding stuff, but yesterday we both got a little drunk to be a little silly and just had a good time. I love this man and I'm so lucky to get to spend the rest of my life with him.

Sometimes you have to sacrifice to make it work.

I'm skipping class to finish my paper for senior seminar. I looked at it again this morning and just wasn't happy with what I had. I'm slowly adding in more strong material in hopes of making it better. I feel like my paper is going to be far worse than everyone else's but in the end, I won't know. I'm trying to keep it in perspective as just a paper, but it's hard. I have to present it tonight and I'm terrified. So, it's not techinically due until next week, but we're presenting this week. I don't understand this professor at all.

So, if I fail this paper and fail this class, yeah I'll be mad, but I have to remind myself that I can always try it again (not likely) or I can change my english major to a minor and be done with it. One F on my transcript isn't going to kill me. Mom and Dad said I won't disappoint them and I know I will succeed  at my goals long term. This may just be one small failure in the process of being great.

I skipped class today. It's the last week of class. Nothing is happening. But I need the time to get this done and practice my presentation. Wish me luck.