I'm trying to write a proposal for the ACTC English Majors Conference. I'm struggling to find something worth submitting. I'm doubting my ability to write a decent proposal. I doubt that I will even come up with enough of anything to submit.
I've been having hard times lately. I can feel myself slowing down and my appetite is off. I have been getting headaches almost everyday. I can't sleep and I feel like I'm drifting off from the solid place I was standing on. I am aware that what I'm feeling isn't a good sign. I know this seems like I'm falling back into a bad place again. I'm fighting for myself this time. I won't let the sadness and anxiety take over and wreck what I have going for me. When I'm awake now, I try to throw myself into every opportunity. I don't want to give myself time to sit down and breathe because the minute I do, I know I will lose control over myself and I will wallow and cry and circulate my problems and ruminate on things I can't do or can't fix. Instead of allowing those flood gates to open, I'm taking one drop out of the dam at a time. I am working through problems and feelings individually. I'm trying to practice mindfulness. When I feel a thought taking over I breathe and feel my body tense at its pain. I watch objectively as my thought becomes pain in my body. I breathe it out. I reason with myself and explain why I feel what I do, then I let the thought go. There is no use in obsessing over things I can't change.
I have to admit, not having any alone time over j-term has caused a build up of stuff and I honestly think this has contributed to the discomfort I feel. But, j-term is almost over.
Now, there is a little self hatred at work here as well. I have a tendency to get myself involved with people who aren't the best for me. I am smart, but I make dumb choices in people. I have horrible social skills. And I resent myself so much for the way that I get so easily caught up with other people.
Lastly, I had a moment of gut wrenching, almost going to throw up, sob my heart out, sadness, emptiness, and pain. I was listening to some song on shuffle, I swear I wasn't wallowing, and I don't even remember what line it was, but something made me realize that I am scared to love someone. I am absolutely terrified to care about someone that much. And then I was so sad at this realization. I have never felt so broken in my entire life. It was like I was back on the couch at home when I barely moved and just didn't care about living at all. It took all of my efforts to stop myself and sit up and shake it off. I looked over at my desk and the sign I put up from Perks of Being a Wallflower made so much sense. "We accept the love we think we deserve." I haven't dated anyone since Chris. I haven't let anyone love me because I didn't love myself. I felt like because of where I had been, that no one should love someone as broken and sad as me. I felt like I didn't deserve anything but a passing encounter beneath the sheets of a dorm room bed. I felt like that was all I was worth because of how much I had fallen apart before. I put myself back together, sure, but I didn't like who I was still.
I know now that I am not complete. This is not the end of a bad story. It is the middle of a great one. I am working on my flaws and I am aware that I am not perfect. No one is. I know I will make more mistakes and all this realization is helpful, but not going to fix anything. It is up to me to start loving myself like I deserve. I need to believe that I am worth something. I am worth more than being used. I am worth more than the pain I have experienced in my life. My past happened. But it's where I go from here that matters.
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