Heart On My Sleeve

I have always worn my heart on my sleeve. I get hurt easily and things crawl under my skin like it's not any trouble at all. Most of the time, I'm ok with it. I know I am emotions first and that is how I've always been. But sometimes, I just wish I could take things in without getting hurt. I've been struggling with Kyle's relationship to his family. We live with his sister and his mother is always around. Ana Bella and I patched up our relationship and I like how things are now. However, Kyle's relationship with his mom is a struggle for me. For him, they don't spend any time together. Yet she is over all the time. His relationship with her and his sister has been one where he would take them out and go on family dates. Time isn't spent together unless it's only them together. I'm close with my mom, yet I have adapted my relationship to accomodate for Kyle. Kyle hasn't seemed to do that in return. This has been causing such a fight between the two of us and I'm at my wits end. I want to feel comfortable with him and his family, but I can't because I will always be cut out for them to find time together. I don't understand why they need to be alone. I don't understand why Kyle feels the need to cut me out. I don't understand why this issue makes me want to rip my hair out and simultaneously punch his lights out (though I would never actually hurt him).

I don't understand why I feel so threatened by their time together. I'm not jealous because I know he will come back at the end of the night. I do feel excluded and that can be causing part of this difficulty, but it isn't that simple. I've racked my brain trying to figure out why I feel this way, but I just don't know.

Kyle babies his sister a lot. She is 6 months pregnant, the time for her to be babied is long past. I understand that from their past together, Kyle feels close to her and like her caregiver, but she is an adult and soon to be parent. She needs to get her shit together and Kyle needs to stop rewarding her bad behavior. When he took her to Walmart last night after she tried to walk there in the heat, he gave her exactly what she wanted. She wanted to get everyones attention all on her. She wanted to get someone to treat her like she's the queen of the world. Kyle did just that. He took her to Walmart and laughed and joked and had a merry time with her. Now she knows when she cries and runs off, he will come rescue her. This hurts me because every time he has to go catch her, and this happens a lot, he drops me. He says I am the number one thing in his life, and most of the time I believe him, but when he calls his sister babe and blows me off to take care of her, I don't really feel like he's honestly treating me like the number one. I swear to God, the next time he calls her "baby sister" or if he EVER calls her "babe" again, I will not hesitate to say, in front of whoever is there, that I am not comfortable with that. Because I'm not. I've told Kyle it makes me feel sick to my stomach when he calls her that. Something about the tone of voice makes me get this creepy incest vibe and I want to throw up.

I guess something that I think might explain the incest fear thing for me is that my siblings and I are not related by blood. It wasn't ever like unspoken that you don't date your blood. I would never date my siblings but the thought that it isn't completely incestuous always made me draw a line with my siblings. I never wanted to confuse Adam about girls and make him uncomfortable because his adopted sister was hot and in a sports bra in the house. For Kyle, that was his baby sister in a sports bra. He never looked at her that way because it was biologically and innately wrong. Their relationship is different and I don't understand. So when they are close like that and when they cuddle and go on "sibling date days" it weirds me out.

I also feel like I have such a hard time with this because I am more of the come home and relax type of person than spontaneously go out and do stuff. I'm not captain of the fun team. Kyle is. Most of the time, he brings me out of my comfort zone and we have a wonderful time, but my home is my safe and calm place. So when he comes home at night and I'm lazy and chill I can see that I wouldn't be the most fun person to spend time with. I feel threatened that his sister and his mom are more fun than me and he will want to spend all his time with them because I'm not as fun. It's a dumb fear, but a real fear.

I also worry that he is so similar to his sister and mom in attitude that my introversion will push him away. I am scared that he's going to marry me and then realize we're too different of people and leave me. I know he is scared that something is going to be too much for me and I'll leave. But the simple fact is, I won't ever leave. I am one of the most loyal and devoted people you will ever meet. He could break me into a thousand pieces and I would still stand by him. It isn't logical, but I really do love him.

He and I are opposites more often than we are the same. But that is also why we work so well. I love him with all my heart and I want to fix this so that I don't feel so bad every time he takes off to spend time away from me with them. I wish I could understand why sharing time isn't good enough for them. I wish I could understand why he won't stand up to his sister and tell her that he can't be her be all end all. I wish I could just blink and not even feel anger or pain when he talks so lovingly about his sister or mom. I wish I could be a better person and that this wasn't so hard for me. I most of all wish that he will continue being patient with me to allow me to overcome this. I just want to get back to a time when he comes home and we don't fight before bed. I feel like it's always my feelings getting hurt and me yelling for him not preventing it or not changing what is hurting me. Honestly, he rescues everyone else from their demons, why won't he rescue me from mine?