There comes a point in every relationship we have with another human being where we have to ask ourselves, is love enough? Is love enough to look past faults and mistakes? Is love enough to bandage hurt feelings? Is love enough to bridge a communication gap? Is love enough to cross time away and unreachability? Is love enough?
For me, love is and always has been enough. There is one case where it was not. (see all unfortunate tales of Chris for that story). But all other times, if I love you or in some cases love myself, it is enough to keep on. Love was enough for me to continue with college when I hated my professor. Love was enough to get up the courage to seek out a job, now I have two. Love was enough when family is far away. Love is enough when Katie comes and goes like a Minnesota winter. Love is enough that I built a relationship with a family that wasn't mine, now I can't see my life without them. Love is enough when army calls for duty. Love is enough when time is full and a phone call is missed. Love is enough that I looked past rationality and decided to get married. Love is enough that I drove myself to the hospital when I cut open my head tonight. Love is enough that I won't give up without trying. Love is enough for me.
Loving Kyle is not easy. Our relationship had its honeymoon stage, but it has come and gone. We jumped quickly into shared finances and mutual space. We have signed a contract together for cell phones. We bought a bed together. Our lives are linked in tangible ways now. I've invested in this relationship. I threw my heart and soul into this relationship because I believed, and still do believe, that this is right. I feel right with Kyle. I know that at the end of the day, no matter how bad we fight or how much we've hurt, that love is enough. When I say I love you to Kyle, in a way, I am saying he is enough.
I feel like our relationship is enough and deserves to be treated as such. If that means putting our wedding on hold. Fine. If that means disregarding all the past discussions and disagreements and misunderstandings and communication hurdles. Fine. I love him enough that I will do my best to get back to a place where love is enough and above the crap life deals out. I love him enough that I want to get back to a place where the end of the day is met with joy and comfort in laying with the one I love, not fear of another fight. I feel like love is enough for me to move past my fears of kyle being away. I feel like love is enough that ten weeks is only a small bump in the path we live together. I feel love is enough that I want to try and I don't want to give up.
I don't know if love is enough for Kyle. I don't know if what I feel is enough is enough for him. I don't know if he will say love is enough. But if he doesn't, I can't change that. Yes I will be sad. I will feel lost and alone. I will have to drive 45 minutes to work and I will have to sleep in our bed alone (I get the bed. no discussion). We will have to establish the phone payment system. I will need to move my things into my parents. I will have to take off the engagement ring that reminds me that love is (was) enough. I will have to lose a second family. A future mother in law who has (after quite the trial) taken me in as a daughter. I will lose a sister that has been more like a sister to me than mine ever has. I will lose a puppy who cuddles with me when I'm sad. I will stand to lose so much. But if love isn't enough for him, it won't be enough for me.
I don't know what he stands to lose besides a bed. I don't know what else he would lose besides me. No one to do laundry or dishes. No one to keep the finances organized or to keep bills paid on time. No one to eat Denny's with at odd times of day. No one to hold at night. No one to share movies with. He will lose a companion. But if love isn't enough for him, it won't be enough for me.
Love is never easy. Love that is easy isn't real. I want to work through the issues and problems to come out stronger together. I want to fight for the love I feel. I want him to fight for the love we share. But if love isn't enough, he won't fight. If love isn't enough now, it never will be. If love isn't enough then I guess the time, however short, that we've spent together has to be enough. The memories of love have to be enough in love's absence. In time, love will grow again. If love isn't enough, Kyle has shown me that it is ok to ask for what you deserve and that love will grow where needed. If love isn't enough, I know in my heart that my love for Kyle will never fade. It will just become a love that once was. Like a tree that had potential to grow, but just got bogged down by too many vines, our love would have had potential, but the disagreement choked out the joy and without joy it will not grow.
So I pose the question. Is love enough? I only hope that with careful pruning and attentive care, that our tree can grow tall and strong and look back in its rings someday and see the time it struggled and watch the struggle turn into a future.
Is love enough?
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