Just a Rough Night

I can't explain why tonight is just so hard, but it is. It's so painful to just be awake for today. I want to just curl up under the covers and not move all week. I don't want to do homework or write papers or work on anything. Just sleep in it's blissful quiet unconscious state is all that my brain is able to think.

I have been so slow and sleepy. Silence is the predominant thing coming from me at the moment. I left my friends tonight to just sit and listen to music and write this blog. I needed distance and clarity. So, BLOG speak to me. Tell me where to go from here. Give me a semblance of an idea of what is going on in my head. Give me a place to rest my conscious and to clarify my underlying issues. Give me space from the mind to discover myself. Where oh where is my poor unfortunate brain?

Alas, I find myself sitting in a toasty lounge in comfy pants and sorting thoughts out in a text box on the trusty practically dead laptop... oh hurry lol

Chris has been absent all week for once which is great. However, I have come to the moment in this grieving process where I decided I need to control the situation. So, first I yelled. Then, I forgot about it. Now, I want to be friends on facebook because I seriously have masochistic tendencies when it comes to Chris. Also, I just want the ability to have the friend status symbolically to represent the change we have gone through and to show that we really are living our own lives finally. I so desperately want him to come to this amazing place where I am living. I want him to observe my life and for him to see the friends I made and the progress I've made in life. I want to rub his face in it and scream "I made it without you. I am strong and happy. I don't need you. I love the world I'm in. I am all on my own. I am doing well. I have no pain constantly making me nauseous and panicked. I don't cry to sleep every night. I don't hold on to your pictures like I have the secret to the universe in my hands anymore. I may still cuddle with that old dog you gave me, but that is out of comfort and familiarity and the simple fact that I have yet to burn those final pieces remaining. I can't bring myself to sever the connection to the past totally yet. I will when I go home for thanksgiving. I plan on privately burning your old things. I even plan on deleting the pictures from my hidden files and the places where I've placed your pictures everywhere so I could never lose them all, but I am making them all go away. I regret having to cut the whole of my life with you out of my past memorabilia, but I feel there is no other way to finally be free from your painful existence in this world. And worst of all... you work at caribou. My favorite coffee chain and you had to go infect that too. Shame on you. To make the worst even worse, you work at the caribou closest to my college. really? wow." So, besides that long rant at Chris, I have no more to say to or about him. Go away dumb boy.

As my laptop battery ticks down and my bladder screams to go pee asap I speedily analyze the rest of my thoughts...

My roommate issue has driven me more mad than I could have thought possible. She is inconsiderate and rude and just plain uncompromising. Ugh! She has not slept in the room for all week. Wow, avoid the problem much? Silly immature Olivia. I just need a place to lay my head at night where I am comfortable and able to relax without worrying about being judged, avoided, ignored, cluttered and uncomforted. I want a place to really call home. I need to feel at home and I don't. If I can get this thing solved soon enough then I will be better equipped to handle the other issues in my life.

And, my "best friend" Mak has abandoned my cause it seems. She has found a new person to be crazy stupid with. I matured more than she has it would seem. College is pushing me towards life with a sense of purpose. She is still rebelling and trying to find a way to handle the depression in her life. Drinking and drugs will not solve your problems. They become problems in and of themselves. They let you avoid the confrontation with the root of your problems. Also, not going to counseling is bad, bad, BAD! Medication cannot save you on it's own. You need to allow it to do it's job and by smoking weed you further upset the chemical imbalance in your brain. Bad idea darling. I will be here for you because I know I wish I had that friend back then, but really... I see the pain of my place right now. i understand why my friends left me. I don't want to do that to you, but I can only take so much abuse and neglect.

I miss my mother a lot in all of this. I miss coming home at night and talking about my day. Grant it, I do talk to her when I call, but it isn't the same sense of unwinding of my day and problems that I had at home. So, Mommy, I miss you.

And my dad's sense of humor and just care that he has towards me always chokes me up that little bit. The man loves me more fiercely than any other human being on this earth. I love my daddy and not having him here to laugh and joke with is hard.

Nothing else is bothering me really. I'm tired of being asked to go out to the club and to parties because it's something that I generally don't enjoy, but I am O.K. with saying no and staying here, however, I need the roommate issue solved so when everyone is gone and I have time alone I can be productive in my room again. Stressful I tell you, stressful!

I am excited to talk to my doctor on Monday and see if there is something we can do to help me. I hope something exists to help my anxiety besides going back on anti-depressants again.

That is all for my long post this evening. Good night world!

I see you.

Mika : I See You
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NkZJ1I1NBJs

This song is amazing. Kirsten listens to his music all the time and recently this song captured my attention. The instrumental is beautiful and the words are so powerful.

If only I could see the end to the anxiety and the stress I feel right now...

A catch up on life stuff...

Things with my roommate have escalated to a point where neither of us is really comfortable in the same room. I cannot do homework in my room due to the clutter and mess on her desk and her "side" of the room. I literally have had to do homework elsewhere cause it's that bad. My OCD and the anxiety are so bad right now. I am having a very hard time just making it through the process of taking care of everything. On top of that, registration is tomorrow morning at 7am.

Panic attacks here are not an option. This school is my happy place. Anxiety and stress will happen, but I think there is more of an underlying cause for the incredible amount of anxiety that I have. I've reverted into some of my old habits and new ones as well just to cope with the anxious and depressed feelings I am starting to get again. I bite my lip incesantly and I started chewing my hangnails like crazy. I can't fall asleep at night without the T.V. on and clutching tightly to a stuffed animal for comfort. I have too much on my mind. I literally cannot speak straight sometimes. I have picked up a stammer from the processing in my brain right now. The roommate situation has me so hopeless, I cried here on Monday for the first time in a long time. Since then, sleep is sometimes very tearful.

I should feel comfortable with my roommate. I should feel comfortable in my own room. Comfortable at least enough to be able to do homework without getting off task by the amount of things around me and on my mind. When my heartrate increases whenever I walk in my room or see my roommate that is not O.K. Something needs to change. If only the process wasn't so difficult and the dorms not so full.

Nothing But Putting My Life Into Perspective

This week has been a very perspective gaining week. From Monday learning that I was not really over things to learning how to really make a conscious effort to be on my own on Friday and now to today. I am asserting myself to Olivia. I'm making an effort to talk to her about the room and how I live here 24/7 even when she is not. I demand a little more space than what I have.

I'm a strong person on my own. I finally realized the place I had been trapping myself in. I wasn't allowing myself to move on and be free from my past. I wasn't letting my walls down to shine as the true me. I have been in a roundabout for far too long. It's time to drive on.

I am on a fast track to graduating college. I'm getting where I want to as fast as I can. And I LOVE THIS LIFE! :)

Easy does it...

Space, Singularity, Individualism, Patience, Independence, and Time. I have had so much of some and none of others for the past year in my life. I turn 19 in a few months, and with that birthday, I intend to resurrect the faith in myself and the belief that what I have to say matters. I can stand on my own. I do not need a man as a crutch.

hey! what you staring at?

I am genetically endowed with a nice round backside. I am proud of my butt. In fact, I often am the first to make a joke and to point attention to my hindquarters. However, when people stare without invitation, I find that rude and disrespectful. Not only is it objectifying, but it makes me feel self conscious. Lesson here, don't stare unless I joke about it and make it allowed.

Second order of business: when I wear sweats do not judge. They are the worlds most comfortable and cuddly invention for clothing. I enjoy being warm and comfortable. And above all else, they make me feel completely comfortable in my own skin. I am me in personality and I attract people with that alone when I'm in my sweats. Dressing up is great, but I like being me inside and out.

Do not stare at me or wonder why I make the choices I do. I am an individual who has the personal right to act, speak, and believe as I do. I decide my path in life. I decide who comes with me. I am in charge of myself and no one else. Do not judge.

Production Stand Still

For the last few days I have been more than productive. I finished three papers, a large major minor project, and have been studying for my psychology exam tomorrow. However, I sat down today and just lost all drive to do anything. My brain was just wiped out.

This is a big problem. I have a 12 page research paper coming up at the end of the month, a large quantity of blogs to write for social problems, and still more RPQ's and reading to do for Brit Lit.

UGH!