I can't explain why tonight is just so hard, but it is. It's so painful to just be awake for today. I want to just curl up under the covers and not move all week. I don't want to do homework or write papers or work on anything. Just sleep in it's blissful quiet unconscious state is all that my brain is able to think.
I have been so slow and sleepy. Silence is the predominant thing coming from me at the moment. I left my friends tonight to just sit and listen to music and write this blog. I needed distance and clarity. So, BLOG speak to me. Tell me where to go from here. Give me a semblance of an idea of what is going on in my head. Give me a place to rest my conscious and to clarify my underlying issues. Give me space from the mind to discover myself. Where oh where is my poor unfortunate brain?
Alas, I find myself sitting in a toasty lounge in comfy pants and sorting thoughts out in a text box on the trusty practically dead laptop... oh hurry lol
Chris has been absent all week for once which is great. However, I have come to the moment in this grieving process where I decided I need to control the situation. So, first I yelled. Then, I forgot about it. Now, I want to be friends on facebook because I seriously have masochistic tendencies when it comes to Chris. Also, I just want the ability to have the friend status symbolically to represent the change we have gone through and to show that we really are living our own lives finally. I so desperately want him to come to this amazing place where I am living. I want him to observe my life and for him to see the friends I made and the progress I've made in life. I want to rub his face in it and scream "I made it without you. I am strong and happy. I don't need you. I love the world I'm in. I am all on my own. I am doing well. I have no pain constantly making me nauseous and panicked. I don't cry to sleep every night. I don't hold on to your pictures like I have the secret to the universe in my hands anymore. I may still cuddle with that old dog you gave me, but that is out of comfort and familiarity and the simple fact that I have yet to burn those final pieces remaining. I can't bring myself to sever the connection to the past totally yet. I will when I go home for thanksgiving. I plan on privately burning your old things. I even plan on deleting the pictures from my hidden files and the places where I've placed your pictures everywhere so I could never lose them all, but I am making them all go away. I regret having to cut the whole of my life with you out of my past memorabilia, but I feel there is no other way to finally be free from your painful existence in this world. And worst of all... you work at caribou. My favorite coffee chain and you had to go infect that too. Shame on you. To make the worst even worse, you work at the caribou closest to my college. really? wow." So, besides that long rant at Chris, I have no more to say to or about him. Go away dumb boy.
As my laptop battery ticks down and my bladder screams to go pee asap I speedily analyze the rest of my thoughts...
My roommate issue has driven me more mad than I could have thought possible. She is inconsiderate and rude and just plain uncompromising. Ugh! She has not slept in the room for all week. Wow, avoid the problem much? Silly immature Olivia. I just need a place to lay my head at night where I am comfortable and able to relax without worrying about being judged, avoided, ignored, cluttered and uncomforted. I want a place to really call home. I need to feel at home and I don't. If I can get this thing solved soon enough then I will be better equipped to handle the other issues in my life.
And, my "best friend" Mak has abandoned my cause it seems. She has found a new person to be crazy stupid with. I matured more than she has it would seem. College is pushing me towards life with a sense of purpose. She is still rebelling and trying to find a way to handle the depression in her life. Drinking and drugs will not solve your problems. They become problems in and of themselves. They let you avoid the confrontation with the root of your problems. Also, not going to counseling is bad, bad, BAD! Medication cannot save you on it's own. You need to allow it to do it's job and by smoking weed you further upset the chemical imbalance in your brain. Bad idea darling. I will be here for you because I know I wish I had that friend back then, but really... I see the pain of my place right now. i understand why my friends left me. I don't want to do that to you, but I can only take so much abuse and neglect.
I miss my mother a lot in all of this. I miss coming home at night and talking about my day. Grant it, I do talk to her when I call, but it isn't the same sense of unwinding of my day and problems that I had at home. So, Mommy, I miss you.
And my dad's sense of humor and just care that he has towards me always chokes me up that little bit. The man loves me more fiercely than any other human being on this earth. I love my daddy and not having him here to laugh and joke with is hard.
Nothing else is bothering me really. I'm tired of being asked to go out to the club and to parties because it's something that I generally don't enjoy, but I am O.K. with saying no and staying here, however, I need the roommate issue solved so when everyone is gone and I have time alone I can be productive in my room again. Stressful I tell you, stressful!
I am excited to talk to my doctor on Monday and see if there is something we can do to help me. I hope something exists to help my anxiety besides going back on anti-depressants again.
That is all for my long post this evening. Good night world!
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