When I go back to andover, I always have this unspoken anxiety about who or what might happen. I wish so bad before I go home that things were different and nothing bad had ever happened. I wish that my life had included long standing friends back home. I missed out on a lot because of the way the depression debilitated me. I missed out on friendships and I missed out on love because this disorder caused so much pain in my everyday life.
I don't usually talk about last year. I don't usually talk about having depression. I avoid saying anything about this huge part of who I came to be. Depression ruled my life when it got bad. It still comes in waves. I have just put myself in a better place here at school. I have learned to handle the crippling sadness and the loss of desire to eat or move even. I know when it is coming and I fight it as hard as I can now.
However, the depression is not the only problem I have in my life. I have really bad anxiety and I have OCD. I have panic attacks and large social situations outside of my group of friends sends me into a mental frenzy. People being in my personal space and making an intimate connection with me literally will cause my heart to race my whole body to shiver and yet I'm burning up. Tests cause a need to wrap myself into a ball of blankets as tight as I can to help calm my nervous system.
The anxiety has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. It has affected the friends I've made and the activities I do. Anxiety rules my habits. I bite my lip since I was little and its crooked now when I smile. I have cleaning sprees when I get stressed. I have a thing for organization. I hate feet touching my feet. I don't like people sharing my clothes or my shoes. I am so loud and crazy with my friends, but in large groups or with anxious situations, I am practically silent and my voice hides from my opinions. The first day of school sends me into a terror for days beforehand. I startle easily. I can go on about all the ways I affects my life, but I will stop here.
As I said above, I can handle the depression. I know how to effectively distract and utilize the sadness to make myself ok. However, the anxiety is slowly taking over and I feel out of controll which bothers me. I have to live my life so carefully to avoid causing any trigger of the panic. It limits my life here in college. It limits my ability to form relationships. It is difficult to manage everything with the anxiety. I am on medicine to help to give me back control, but this drugged feeling is almost more troubling than the anxiety itself. Not to mention that it has strange side effects.
I want a more permanent solution. I want to know why and where this anxiety came from. I want to know what I can do to make it go away. I want to find a permanent place where I can stand in my life and say I am comfortable with how I feel way deep inside. I want the satisfaction and comfort of being in control of this part of me.
I want to rid myself of this so I can truly be open to new experiences here in school. I want to be able to breathe everyday as easily as the day before. I want the ability to be comfortably open to falling in love anew. I want to make new connections that don't scare the living breath out of me.
For these reasons, I went on a quest to figure out why and how and what. I start therapy soon. I stay on the meds because it does help a little bit. I am working on thinking about why things are so scary to me. I'm working at this thing to take back the control. I refuse to let this disorder take over.
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