some more musings...

Over the last weekend, I've come to some realizations about how my life is going to be. I've seen that I will probably tell a life changing story someday. I will probably find someone I will love completely and want to be with them. I will probably have children of my own someday down the line. I love kids and as I get older I become more of my paranoid and overly cautious mother. I seriously would be one of those paranoid, helicopter parents. No joke. All these are things I knew already. The real realization is that these things will happen on their own time. I can't stress myself out over things far off in the distance. If I'm too busy squinting down the road, I'll miss the beautiful scenery passing by. I used to think that my heart was a broken mess and that the only way someone would love me was if they loved me for my broken-ness. But the reality is whoever is really meant to love me will love me for my whole self. In this book Amanda gave me it makes a great point, "You don't have to be broken for me". I can be a whole person broken parts and all and find a whole love that I will want to be a whole part of. Being broken is not my only definition of my self. Right now, my problems are a bigger part of my life than my triumphs, but as I grow into my personality and begin to find my way through the world, I will come to find myself happier than I could have ever been before. Chris has sporatidically been in contact since I failed to ignore his number on my phone. I haven't found myself crying about him at all. He may be part of my life forever and he may not be. We may date again someday or we may not. We may realize that our lives are going different ways and part, or we may always stay in touch. Whatever happens though, it's ok. I am happy on my own and I am happy to talk to him. I am no happier one way over the other. Yes, I loved Chris, and my teenage memories will always be filled with his smile and the smell of mcdonalds and cologne, but those are only my late teen years. If I can find a way to pay for it, my life is going to soar in the coming decade. So, I may not be your typical partying 19 almost 20 year old, but I will be me through and through. I'm going to be mature and take my life with more caution than most but I am making myself happy and along the way I will find others who are happy to be around me. Boys come and go and friends do too, but me is here to stay. That's the relationship I should work the hardest on.