Woah. Time Slip!

So despite not writing for like 3 months, not much has really happened. DJ lost his job in June/July. We've been recovering financially from that. I desperately want to quit Nick U, but bills need paying and I don't have a big kid job yet. However, I did just pick up a second job working at Victorinox, the swiss army knife store in the mall. It pays better than rides and I'm actually not half bad at selling stuff. We bought a new couch for the apartment. It is super sized and ridiculously comfortable. Kingsley is still adorable as ever. We (I) lost our kitty Teddy back in May. I'm looking for a big kid job. We're both working hard. Nothing terribly eventful has happened. OH! We're planning a Disney trip in January :) I'm going to be going with DJ, Mom, Adam, and Nicole. It will be DJ's first time there and I'm really excited to take him. Hopefully someone (hint hint nudge nudge DJ) will have a certain sparkly ring paid off by then so I might get a dream come true disney proposal.... just saying...

But anyways, life is good.

The end of a beginning

I graduate on saturday. I will walk across that stage and get my diploma. I will be the proud bearer of a BA in psychology and english with a concentration in creative writing. I will have completed the beginning portion of my young grown up life. I am now looking at car insurance and possible jobs out of state. Im thinking about marriage, babies, houses, and furniture. My finances revolve around questions like "can I eat more than ramen this week?" And "gas prices went up AGAIN!?!". While it may not sound the most exciting, it is for me. I am living a life that the broken little college freshman I was three years ago never could have imagined. The road to get here has not been easy. I have been broken down and ground into dust so many times I've lost count, yet every time I rise again stronger and wiser than before. I made mistakes that helped me learn. I have made my own decisions against the judgment of those around me and I have proven them wrong. I am thriving. I may not ever be rich, heck with 60,000 bucks of student loan debt I may be poor forever, but I am getting by. I have enough. So graduation is not a beginning for me. Its the end of the start of my life on my own two feet.

Fighting Death

While talking with my mother the other day, we were discussing how the dark days (read: senior year of high school) were survival mode. I was talking and telling Mom that I don't remember much. I remember sleeping in the car because I couldn't move then a week later "waking up" in the psych ward of the ER. I realize that I don't remember that time, but she does. In her eyes I saw just how much pain that caused her as a mother. I saw how helpless she must have felt. I realized to the fullest extent that this woman across the table from me literally fought for a week to keep me alive when, without her, I would have died easily and quickly. I always credit my mother for saving my life, but it wasn't until that moment looking into her eyes that I truly understood the toll this took on her. I didn't realize that my sister's feelings of being forgotten stem from that week where my mother was caring for my life and ignoring everything else. I didn't understand that this woman, this amazing, strong, caring woman, literally kept me alive. She was my lifeline; without her I'd be dead. So in response to this revelation, I thank her. I thank her with every breath I take. I thank her from the bottom of my heart and the darkest corners of my soul. I thank her for everything that she did to save me so that I could live the life I am living so happily today. Thank you Mom.

Busy Busy Life

So in the last month, I've celebrated 3 months with a wonderful guy, valentines day with the same guy (thankfully), and my 21st birthday. I'm almost halfway through my last semester of this undergrad career. I've been pursuing other job opportunities, still to no avail, but I'm trying. (actually that's a little fib. HR really liked me and would have hired me on the spot at my interview but my schedule conflicted with school and their schedule. But i can go back in May and do something then).

It has been a busy month. DJ moved in officially. That is going wonderful by the way. He's a great roommate cause he cleans (I think he cleans more than me actually, but shh I'm leaving that a secret). He's the most wonderful boyfriend I have ever had. He genuinely treats me like a princess, even when I'm acting more like the wicked witch. So that's good. :)

I guess I haven't really needed this blog to air my thoughts so much anymore because I've been too busy to just sit back and ponder. I thought this was bad, but I think it is just a sign that I'm really growing into myself and meeting life head on. I've been kicked down and beaten so much in my life, but every time I try to fight harder the next round. Maybe I'm just finally winning a round. I know that at some point things will get complicated again. I know there is more to be faced, but I also know I am confident in who I am and I know without a doubt that nothing can bring me down too far.

So I wish everyone a safe and happy march and enjoy the funky minnesota spring we have ahead.

Too busy living life...

I know it seems like a cop out to say I've been too busy to write. But it is rather true. I'm living my life and not just writing about everything happening around me. So truth it is.

Collide

The song Collide by Howie Day is a beautiful song. Its lyrics are perfectly on spot with the way life works. Everyone falls down sometimes. There are people we collide with. I feel like this is what my life is like right now. I am on the verge of colliding with the world around me. The near the edge of my seat waiting for the other shoe to drop feeling is exhilarating. I used to be so afraid of changing the little safe place I find myself in, but I just find myself realizing more and more that life is going to collide. I can either run from it or run into it. I chose to run into it. So what if I fall down? At least I can say I took it head on. I am no coward. Bring on the collision!

Long time no write

I know I haven't posted on here for awhile. And there really isn't an excuse except for that I have been busy enjoying my life and working hard. I work 3 to 4 days a week and have class 4 days a week. I have a lovely boyfriend who I try to spend as much time with as I can. I spend time playing video games or playing with my kitty. My life is pretty simple for once and im loving it. Sure, money is tight right now. Its post holiday spending and a new tv purchase that did me in but all in all, I will survive.

Day by Day

I've been chugging along day by day. I try to get more than 4 hours of sleep but it's hard. I want to hide under the covers sometimes. I just have struggled my way through to the end of my semester. It's crazy to think that april 29 is the last day of classes for me as an undergrad. I literally have like 4.5 months of school left. that's it. then it's time for a taste of the real world. but ya know, I don't know what I want yet. I feel like I should be applying for grad schools and searching for internships, but truth be told, I don't want to. I don't want to start that part of my life yet. I want to take a year or so to just work and live life. hang out with friends. paycheck to paycheck. I kind of want to just be one of those average people living an average life. I'm tired of trying to overachieve all the time. I will have finished my undergrad in 3 years instead of 4. I've gotten pretty stellar grades for most of it (we'll see about this semester). I just kind of want to slow down and breathe. I've been so caught up in all of this I haven't really set a goal for my life or a career I want. I know psychology will influence my career choice, but maybe I want to work a bit and try to advance in my job and see if I like that. Maybe I want to be a supervisor and do that kind of work? it's still working with people and it pays decent. then I could pursue a bigger degree later. Or maybe I want to join the peace corp and go to africa for a couple years and feed starving children. Maybe I want to teach. No. haha. Maybe I want to go into human resources and help people in whatever company I work for. Maybe I want to be a school counselor. Maybe I want to be an astronaut? Who knows. I've been rushing to get "done" with school without any real thought of what comes after I'm done. Maybe I should have waited. Maybe I should have gone more broke to go to school for the full 4 years. Or maybe, I'm on the right path and I'll figure it out like I always do. day by day. one step at a time. Or maybe I'll make my mother angry and work at the mall of america for the rest of my life. haha maybe.

Well despite an ER trip... all is well.

So I had an allergy/asthma attack and spent a night in the ER. D.J. the wonderful guy that he is, stayed by my side the whole time and took the next day off to take care of me. I am one very lucky girl.

Work is going as well as can be expected. Most everyone still likes me. Except Barb but she hates D.J. so now she hates me. I'm hoping to get a fulltime position the next time they open up. We'll see. I'm also looking into possibly going into HR.

School is school. It goes. I'm not excelling like normal this year, but I am still doing really well. I just registered for my last undergraduate courses. It feels weird to be almost done.

So there's this guy...

So there's this guy in my life right now. He's really smart and funny. We can sit and talk for hours, literally hours, about everything under the sun. He's really handsome and he has a fantastic personality. He's considerate and kind. He even helped me wash dishes the other day (dishes are a dreaded chore so that was great). Something about this guy just makes me happy and I feel lucky to have him around. He's also a coworker so that's another thing to talk about. It's a learning experience for both of us because neither one of us has dated a coworker before. We're being pretty good about it I think. We talked about workplace behavior and all that. I just thought I'd put it out there that there's a boy in my life.

I have so much to say but no time to say it.

It seems like the last twoish months have been filled with so many life changes. I am just starting to really slow down enough for the dust to settle. I'm looking around at my life and I feel the need to scream at the things that have happened. I want to praise myself for conquering the challenges and rising above the pain I was feeling. I'm in disbelief of myself. I would never have predicted that I could get to where I am now.

In the last two months, I broke off an engagement, I moved home, I worked 30+ hours a week an hour and a half away from home. I went to school full time. I spent time with friends and family. I moved into an apartment all my own. I got a kitten. I crashed my car. I  broke up someone else's relationship over a dumb mistake. I slept with my ex-fiance because we were both vulnerable. I made new friends at work that genuinely are good people and like to have me around. I am working on studying for the GRE so I can apply for grad school after I graduate in May. I am a senior in college.

I want to yell at Kyle's family for disowning me over what I said from a place of anger and hurt. I want to scream at my job for not training me on new rides (really, it's been almost four months). I want to dance in my underwear because I've made it. I want to yell at my schoolwork for never ending.  I want to kidnap my girlfriends so that they'll actually spend time with me. I want to be 21 so I can go out for drinks after work with my coworkers. I want to date again. I actually really want to date again.

I want to feel those butterflies you get when you're meeting someone new and you're not quite sure where it will go. I want to know that someone has taken an interest in me for something other than my looks or to try to get in my pants (all ex's this means you! Off limits!). I want someone to woo me. I want to get flowers and text messages calling me babe. I want to date and go out and discover new things about someone else. I want to talk and listen and build a conversation.

I want to write. I can't write good poetry to save my life this semester because so much has happened that I can't even begin to write without word vomit ending up on the page. But maybe that word vomit is something beautiful. Just because I write really narrative poems does not mean they don't count. I wish my poetry class would stop telling me to cut the narrative. I have to say what I have to say and this is how I do it.

I want to sleep. Like just sleep without having to worry about an alarm or having somewhere to go or something to do. I want to just be.

I want to tell Kyle that I think he loved me but he didn't know how to be a grown up. I think he still doesn't know how to be a grown up. I want to tell him that his sister is a petty human being who is manipulative as shit about her world and that she needs to realize that cutting things out that you don't like is going to leave you with very few things left. And I want to tell her that keeping her child from ever meeting me because of one thing I said that hurt her feelings is silly. I want to tell her to look back on everything and to really think about how much of an impact I made in that baby's life before they were born. I want to tell her that it isn't fair that I drove her to countless appointments and felt that little foot kick so many times and that I don't get to meet her now. I want to say I feel hurt and I feel a loss. I feel like I'm missing out on something that I put in time and patience waiting for. I wanted to be a part of that child's life. I wanted to stay friends with Kelsey in all honesty. I liked her as a person. She is petty and controlling, but I can be that way too. That's why we butt heads so bad. I wanted to help her handle that baby. I wanted to be a refuge when her mother gets crazy. But I can't. And I will respect that. But I am grieving a loss.

I want to build a life where I am now. And that's exactly what I'm doing. I want to get into grad school so I can stay in this apartment. I love where I live. I want to get a full time job at the mall so I can make enough money to stay once my student loans run out. I want to continue thriving because I feel like I have been through so much, if I can stand tall and succeed after all of that, it will be worth it.

I know I have made mistakes and I have hurt people. I know I will continue making mistakes because I'm human. But that's the beauty in a mistake. You can learn from it and move on. I have wasted so much time in my life wallowing in my bad feelings and the situations life has thrown at me. But now, I feel happy. Genuinely happy. I know now that no matter what, the sun will still come up tomorrow and I will never stop trying until I kick the bucket. I have tons to live for. I have a whole world awaiting me and I want to make the most of it. I am working hard to do well and I know it will pay off in the long run. Because looking back at these last couple months, I am proud I haven't given up and I am proud that I keep moving forward and conquering whatever life throws my way.

Sleep. School. Social Life.Work. Pick Three.

I have worked 40 hours since Saturday. I have slept maybe a total of 15 hours since Saturday. I have gone to school full time this whole week. And I've finished all my homework miraculously. I've seen my friends two days this week, but I've made a wonderful set of new friends at work so I guess working doubles as a social life sorta. So my pick three has been at the expense of my sleep. Which has now come to bite me in the ass, because, guess what?! I'm sick. Yepp. I work 30 hours in the next three days and I'm sick.  Ugh. Oh and did I complain about my hour and a half commute each way? Oh I forgot to mention that? well yeah. So I'm running low on fuel. I just want to sleep. But I can't. I just have to keep in mind that this craziness will end next week when I'm in my apartment finally. Just gotta keep chugging along until then. Then I can go buy my kitten. Cuddle up with it. Sleep to my hearts content and catch up on my tv shows and homework. Only one more week of insanity..

Bruises will fade

In my life recently, it has seemed that every second I feel like I'm going in the right direction and I can actually make it, the other shoe drops. Now I  don't mind getting hit in the face by life crap because it just causes a bruise that fades in time and you learn to duck sooner next time. However, the latest life crap scared the living daylights out of me like no ones business.

I got in a car accident last night. The air bags deployed and I quite literally thought I had died for a second. I was so terrified. I was so amazed I came out with just a few bruises and a little sore. I thank God with all my heart that I was wearing my seatbelt.

This whole experience has slapped my face and showed me that I need to slow down in my life. Trying to work and school and social life and family and sleep and drive was slowly headed me to a crash. I didn't think it would be literal, but I guarantee you my level of exhaustion had something to do with the crash. And yes, I was on the phone with my brother. I know now I will never ever ever look at my phone ever while the car is even turned on. Not worth it.

So I'm slowing down. I'm catching up. Missing work to recover sucks for my paycheck, but two days off probably means a lot more productivity than if I had just gone back to work.

Maturity

I got called mature today by an old friend for how I handled the break up of my engagement to Kyle. I have been relatively mature about the whole thing. I mean I don't want to marry someone who isn't right for me. I definitely didn't want to marry into his family. So I did the right thing. I never really saw it as mature, but just as the thing that had to be done. So I guess in a way maturity is being able to distinguish your feelings from the logic and reality of life. Huh.

My Rant About Parents and Cellphones

So working at the Mall of America as a ride operator is a great job for the most part. I get paid to push a button all day. Easy job. Working on kiddie rides, I can't even begin to count the amount of parents I come into contact with every day. Lately, I have gotten so frustrated with parents and their cellphones. I have to constantly get on the microphone to tell parents to put away their cellphones while riding rides with their kids. Some of them are taking pictures and I'll get to that, but the parents who are so tied to the grown up world that they can't keep their phone in their pocket to ride a ride and watch their  child smile are disgusting! What kind of a parent ignores their child so they can check facebook, let alone ignores their kid while on riding on a machine operated by college students! I'm responsible and I do my job well, but parents come on! Your kid is only a kid once. Enjoy those smiles and giggles as they ride. Laugh with them. I watch kids look to their parents with a huge smile on their face only to be disappointed because mommy/daddy is too busy on their phone to even see their child looking at them. I know I'm not the first person and I won't be the last to complain about this, but it bothers me.

The other really annoying thing is those parents who are too busy taking pictures of their kid to actually enjoy the ride. I want to just scream at them "stop trying to capture the moment and live it instead!". I bet if you weren't shoving a camera in the poor kids face you wouldn't have to tell johnny or susie to smile and I bet they would smile at you like you're an angel for taking them on fun rides and giving them so much loving attention. Kids aren't going to care about a picture of them as a 1 year old on the carousel at Nickelodean Universe, but they are going to care about the relationship you build with them so that when they're 20 or 30 and they have their own kids and they take them to the mall someday they're going to remember how much fun it was being with their parents and they are going to give the gift of parental adoration and attention to their own children.

That's all I've got to say, so parents, get off your cellphone!

I'm fine!

How come a simple question can drive me crazy? I swear though, if one more person asks me if I'm ok or tells they're sorry I'm going to lose it. I am fine. I don't want to talk about it.

I know I broke off my engagement and got horribly verbally assaulted by his mother and I know I had to move home. I know because I lived it. So stop telling me it must suck. Guess what? It does suck. Sometimes I just want to scream at my own life right now. But its my life. Its the only one I got and I'll be damned if I let a shit break up hold up my life.

So no I'm not ok really but I will say I'm fine. I am fine. I am living. I am thriving. I am in a better situation now than I was before. So yes I lost someone that I love but you know what? I still have good memories. He and I are on great terms. Honestly. I have a wonderful family that is here for me 110%. I have good friends. I have challenging classes. I have a job I enjoy. I am blessed in so many ways. I actually thank God for bringing Kyle in my life because now I know what real love feels like and I know what I need from a partner. So I will be ok.

So please, stop asking if I'm ok. I'm fine. I swear.

Just a Pendulum

My feelings are a pendulum right now. One minute I'm ok and I'm confident that I'll get my life together and the next I'm near tears and shaking randomly because I'm scared about where my life is going and I miss Kyle like crazy. I'm tired of the back and forth. I always know what I want and right now I don't and it's terrifying.

Finding a New Balance

Right now, I am finding my new balance in life. It is hard to drive everywhere, but good. I love my job and I love school. I love Kyle too so life is pretty good.

It's a balance to learn and it will all change again soon enough, but for right now I feel like I am in a good place.

Upside Down Inside Out

My life has changed so drastically in the last week that I still haven't really grasped it all. I went from being engaged and living with the love of my life to being single and moving back to my parents to being just in a relationship and living at my parents to being in a relationship and staying part time with Kyle. The catalyst of all of this was Kyle's mother screaming at the top of her lungs in my face, calling me a "spoiled little school bitch" and saying that I should be checked into a mental institution. I yelled back because she backed me into a corner. I don't feel bad. I couldn't live there with her. I tried to get Kyle to have her leave, but he didn't pick me. Instead I got booted out. Now Kyle and I are rebuilding a relationship that was so burdened down by the mass amount of life around it that it's gasping for air now. We're enjoying each other and doing our best to make us the best. I do still want to get our own place like we had agreed to do at the end of the lease. That means I have three months of this craziness before we can live happily ever after. That is if Kyle keeps that plan. The way things look, he will probably still choose his mother and continue enabling her poor behavior. I'm still appaled at Kyle for not stepping in and telling his mom to back off. He should have protected me. That should have been the end of it for him, but she won. She always wins. I can't stand her. I have no respect for the woman. I wouldn't even blink if she were to disappear. She is a horrible human being and doesn't deserve the dirt off the bottom of my shoe let alone the love and affection of her son when she treats me, who was his FIANCE, like a sac of garbage. It reflects poorly on Kyle too for not making a better choice and failing to stick up for me. So now,  we're in this mess. I am trying to have faith that it will end ok, but right now I just feel so baseless and like I just don't know which way is up or down.

Will I ever feel ok?

Just feeling like my life isn't going in the right direction. I was getting married now I'm not. I was living with friends this year, now I'm not. I was working a retail job, now I'm not (that one is ok though). I feel like my life has just gotten turned upside down and I'm scrambling to land right side up. I know what I want. I know what I need. I'm happy with Kyle and he's happy with me, but I'm so afraid that king, his army battle buddy, will never like me and thus Kyle will never marry me. I can't shake the feeling like its not me that's the problem with getting married. I know Kyle wants us to last and I do too so that I'm ok with waiting to be sure of, but I also know Kyle respects kings opinion and right now, king doesn't like me. He probably is annoyed at ne calling Kyle. He's probably annoyed with me texting Kyle. He's probably annoyed that Kyle and I love each other because from what I can tell, the only woman king respects and cares about is his mom and even that is a stretch. So really... I'm afraid I'll never get the happy ending I dream about. I'm afraid that Kyle won't ever see me in the place in his life that I want to be. I'm scared that I will be abandoned by the man I love because his dumb friend can't get over Kyle being happy with someone and loving them as much as they both love the army.