Birthday Girl!

Today is my day! It's Happy Birthday Hannah Day! Everyone love on me! I'm just kidding, although presents are appreciated! ;)

I've been having an amazing week. Yesterday was a real point of importance for me and those who know me well (AKA my parents). I went to see Chris yesterday. We went to his house and hung out for a couple of hours. On the way there, he asked for Paige's number to smoke with her. I was mad. Then when we got to his house and cuddled up in his bed like old days, it just wasn't the same feeling I was expecting. I'm going to be honest and say yes, we did end up having sex. I know most of my loyal readers are hitting their computer at this point, but bear with me. It was amazing as always, but I didn't feel the same kind of love and intimacy that was there before. When I attempted to cuddle and flirt I didn't feel it the same way I used to. He was still a cute guy that has his moments, but being back in his house and in a semblance of the life I used to live, I felt wrong. When he dropped me back off, I didn't have the same spring in my step like I usually do after seeing him.

I went to talk to Kirsten and I fell apart into happy tears because I realized that I don't FEEL any of the same love, emotion, or intimacy with Chris anymore. I'm finally truly free! I cried happy tears that were long coming. If I see Chris again, it will be purely as a friend. I don't want him to be my boyfriend anymore. I don't want to deal with the jealousy and the conflict that a relationship with such a douchebag would bring me. I have realized that a year and half later, I can finally close the door on that chapter of my feelings and let myself love again in new directions. I can date and be free from the possibility of Chris ever coming back! I don't want him to be mine anymore. I don't want Christopher Robert Loren Bentz to be the man that I say I do to anymore. I don't want to have him as my person. I am my own person and I am beautiful and strong.

This realization on top of some amazing people in my life has made me see that I can love again. I can feel happy and I can quit waiting on something that is not worth my time and tears.

Happy birthday to me!