contemplations

When the day is done, at 11o'clock, I curl up in bed and wind down my thoughts. I loosen the ties of reality and life. Let fall my troubles as leaves from a tree. It's terribly freeing to be honest.

Something has been nagging at my worry threshold all day. I don't really want to acknowledge it, but if I don't it will not go away. I have a big big birthday wish that won't come true. I have something that I want so bad that it worries me. I try to ignore it, but it's as if I'm lying to myself all day long then.
My birthday wish is this: for me to have lunch with Katie and be comfortable and not panicking in my dorm before and after, for me to have more amazing beautiful sweet perfect dates with chris and to have him stick around and not make me feel so scared to get hurt again, and lastly, for my room situation for next year to just magically work out.

My wish is big. They are all things only I can make happen. However, things could work in my favor to help. Mostly, I want Chris to stick around. As cheesy and stupid as that is, I do miss him and our date was very perfect. If only he would realize we're perfect for each other in all of our stupid flaws. Oh well. I can only wish. I've said my piece. I've laid my line. I stand by who I am and where I am so he cannot hurt me here. He can try and maybe get close, but no life altering ruining is happening in this birthday girl!

So, as I try to sleep tonight, I fear closing my eyes. I know I will be dreaming of Chris and of Katie and of school. All my wishes will be dreamt. If only when waking could they exist.