This Is Why We Can't Be Friends

Intermittent Reinforcement. This little psychological fact is the cause of all my problems.

Intermittent Reinforcement means that if you have a bunny in a cage and sometimes when you open the cage you give it a treat and other times you hit it, the bunny is always going to come running when the cage is open because it doesn't know what it's going to get. 

I am the bunny. Guess who is the person feeding/hurting the bunny? Oh did you say Chris? Yeah....

I made it three months. Whoever said when breaking an addiction give it 90 days and it will be easier to resist, lied. I always make it three months then I give in. No I jump in. There is something about this guy. I hate him, but love him at the same time. I am the very stupid bunny. I walk right into the hand that slaps me. He barely has to try anymore. 

I am pathetic. I let him in. I lie to myself and say this time will be different. This time we'll just catch up as friends. This time I won't let the flirting get the best of me. This time I won't say yes. This time.... and every time, it isn't different. I am a stupid bunny. I told him we're probably going to be going back and forth between sleeping together, talking, and not talking until we die. He agreed! In what world is it ok that the most fulfilling and empty relationship I have ever had is this one?

He always leaves a little twist before he goes. Here is this time's twist: He hugged me goodbye. Multiple times. He looked me in the eye while talking as he said goodbye. When I said that we've been pulling this little dance for two years now, he said really? I said yes. I said do you feel old? He said he's only 19. I said yeah but can you believe we've done this for two years? and he says he'll think about it when he's less fucked up (he was high). Now WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN? 

So while you all are cyber strangling me for doing this little thing ALL OVER AGAIN just know that I stopped caring. I will be the stupid bunny. I'm ok with being the stupid bunny. In fact, I like being the stupid bunny. Despite sounding dumb, the good is really good and the bad is really bad, but the really good is better now than the really bad. And, I am a stronger person. 

I am a grown up. I can make my own choices. I am working hard in school. I am allowed to do what I want within the confines of the law and as far as the law is concerned... I've done no wrong. 

I am not crying now. I am not contemplating life. Nothing has changed because of him.I put no parts of my life or myself on hold for him. I am all for me. I made a choice and I stand by that choice. You can judge me out there. You can lecture me and give me or him hell. But it won't change my choice. It won't change my happiness. It won't change the fact that the world only turns one way, forward not back. If you dislike it, stop reading my posts. I force my opinions or life stories on no one. I share my thoughts for the sake my self and the need to write. I let the words sort my thoughts. 

So my dear friend Chris... This Is Why We Can't Be Friends.