Just catching up

I'm just updating my loyal readers. Thanksgiving was good. Things weren't the same as usual, but I almost feel it was better. I'm busy trying to get everything done by the end of the semester. I had a doctors appointment about my headaches. They ordered a head ct and I will  update once I know for sure. I got a cd of my scan and it's pretty cool. I like the fact that I have a picture of my brain. Haha. All is well and good, just busy.

The doubt myself moments

I doubt...

1. When people ask me what I want to be when I grow up. It seems so close and far away. It scares me and I doubt sometimes that I'll ever amount to anything.

2. That there is more than one true love. I loved Chris blindly. It was a first love full of innocence. Now I am guarded and love feels out of reach.

3. That I will ever be not poor. I'm terrified I won't be able to find a job and live on my own.

4. Friends will stay.

5. I will ever get the children I want.

6. I will get to live in Seattle at some point in my life.

Lots of things cause doubt but if we never doubted ourselves we'd never have the joy of finding courage.

Pre-Thanksgiving

My grandmother is in the hospital. She has acute heart failure. Wonderful stuff. She will be released tomorrow, but serious life style changes are in her future.

I'm busy with keeping track of everything. Why is it that I do so well with my planner the first half the semester then dwindle off on writing things down? Eh. I'll live.

I got officially weighed (by a doctor, poo) and I weigh 133lbs. Yikes! College quit fattening me up!!! Thanksgiving surely won't help. But again, I'll live.

Feeling Disconnected

I said goodbye to the one sure random thing in my life. Chris. I feel disconnected. I feel quiet. I feel out of it. I feel like I went to sleep and never woke up.

I know I did what is best. I intend to stick to this. I enlisted Mak and Brooke in helping me stay strong.

I just don't feel like I'm a part of my life at the moment. I know what I have to do and I know what I want, but I feel like I'm opening my eyes to the world on the sunniest day of the year. I feel blinded. I know I'll be ok. I'm not sad. I'm not even worried. I just feel disconnected. Thanksgiving will be good.

Untapped Courage

I had been texting Chris and trying to make things work and it wasn't happening. We had talked the other day, but he stopped mid conversation as soon as I started getting at real issues with the two of us. (Communication problems, I'm not a personal whore, etc.) So I have tried texting him again but no answer. So I did something I didn't think I had the courage to do. I actually called him. 

Now, I haven't called him in years. I'm serious here. Despite being drunk a few times and contacting him that was always just texts. I haven't called him since we were initially trying to figure things out after breaking up years ago. 

So, I was fed up with not being heard. I called him. He didn't answer. His voicemail is the same as it was years ago. I said that I was frustrated and tired with not being able to talk after he had agreed to work on our friendship. I said I want him in my life but I can only do half the work and I'm not going to do it anymore.  I said I just need to go my way and he needs to go his. I said no hard feelings but I don't want to hear from him anymore. I said I wish him the best. Goodbye. 

I didn't cry. I am not sad. I did what had to be done. I'm making a promise to my girlfriends that when he texts I'm giving them my phone until I'm ok to have it back. I'm not going to lie to myself anymore. It's going to be hard to resist the hope that he runs back to me again in a few months, but I don't need him anymore. I just wish he wouldn't show back up in a few months. If he leaves me alone I can leave him alone. But when he shows up I can't help but feel something that it's like fate. I can't help but believe he cares a little bit, but that's not true. We can be perfect together but we're horrible apart. And when apart is all we've got then it's not worth it. He needs to stay away now. 

Ultimatum

I gave Chris an ultimatum last Saturday (I was drunk don't judge.). Well, he had until noon today to text me and prove he was going to stick around. If he didn't answer it was goodbye FOREVER. He ended up texting me half an hour before noon.

He didn't declare any long I wanna be friends and love you forever thing, but he obviously wants to stick around. Now if he actually does is the true test.

I'm happy that I mattered enough to say he didn't want me to leave forever, but he basically is just starting this whole on and off thing all over again.

My friends have take to calling him leap year. He usually shows up about every three months so I mean kinda suitable nickname.

Well, paper is calling.

McDonald's Makes Me Fat And Happy

Wednesday is a bad day for me. Night class is tough and stressful. It's mid week and everything is sort of piling up before the weekend. This week in particular, I have a massive theory paper due on Friday at midnight and I'm worried. This professor doesn't like my writing and he is very intimidating. But, I'll live.

I made it through class. I stood up for myself and other adopted children when someone was saying that being adopted doesn't affect you. That's a lie. I kindly, but firmly, explained the way in which I feel being adopted does make a significant difference. Regardless, I lived.

After class... McDonald's! Despite Cole having to jump his car, it was fun. I love the holiday pies they have. I also love the intense moment of college student-ness when I paid in all change. Boo Ya! Good times with friends make me fat and happy.

Now on with the paper... Ugh.

Sooooo yeah....

I have gotten my anxiety under control somewhat now. I know where my anxiety settles in my body. I feel what kind of anxiety (excitement, discomfort, fear, panic) is which. I can control my breathing except for the bad panic attacks. I'm generally ok. But, I get tired easily after fighting off an attack.

Right now, I feel nervous and uncomfortable. I'm nervous about my paper. I'm upset still about Mak possibly moving in with Tavia and Tori next year. I'm also very uncomfortable with how close my feelings about relationships are at the moment. It sucks.

Uh oh.

I keep my walls high and very thick. No one is getting in here.

Well so I thought. I have stirrings of potential feelings for someone I see as one of if not my best guy friend. How this happened I have no idea. I don't know what I even want with this. Its not a good idea for so many reasons so I'm trying to ignore it. However the urge to kiss him at inappropriate times fails to disappear.

Then there is the little issue of my hopes for something with the guy who calls me beautiful all the time. He's adorable and sweet but I'm not sure that would be a good idea.

Then there is the issue of keeping Chris away for good now.

Lastly, someone that I've wanted for a long time is so close I can almost grab him. But, I have the most sickening feeling that I'm going to get hurt. Really bad. I want to text him all the time and whenever I see him I literally have to remind myself to be cool. And when I stupidly got caught staring this morning I responded even dumber with "I'm exhausted". I coulda said something much better. I tried to ignore this guy and put him in the closed box but he showed up and is now so close. I want to just be patient and wait for him to move here but its so not who I am. I make the girl move and prompt him to move. I can't ask him out. It would be bad. He'd say no and then id be rejected, sad, and really disappointed. No good.

So my walls have failed me. Uh oh.

How did I get so behind??

Well, so much for good sleep. 3:30am... You and I are not friends.

I still have 2 poems to write, 20 pages of theory articles to read, 18 pages of religion articles to read, a religion response paper, a poetry response paper, and a rough draft of my major theory paper is due Friday 3-4 pages single spaced. Ugh!!! What have I even accomplished?

But, it is almost 4am. I give up at 4am. Nothing productive will happen until about 9am. 5hours of sleep then up I go.

Beware of a stressed and cranky Hannah. Sorry.

Only a little stupid.

So my wonderful roommate and I decided to hit up the party train. We downed a shot, got dinner, downed a mixed drink that was mostly booze, and stumbled our way, laughing our asses off back to our dorm at the wee hour of 10:30. No actual party. We talked to party friends, but decided not to go out.

Instead, we ninja snuck across campus. Laughing at everything. Then it decided to downpour so we went and ran in all the puddles we could find while blissfully laughing into the sky. I felt very clean and oddly at peace with the world. It was as if God was pouring out my sadness right on me and letting it all melt away. I was not cold, alcohol's fault, but I felt the world around me touch my heart. I felt truly blessed.

Then we stumbled in. Took another shot. Ran across campus in every puddle to get ice cream because that is what two darling, soaking, hysterically laughing college gals do. Of course. Ice cream in hand, we shuffled across campus again. This time sharing about the joys of being inebriated and just stupid. We don't do stupid very often.

In the dorm we danced and laughed and danced and laughed and fell over on each other and laughed and called boys and laughed  and generally just laughed. I don't know why things were funny, but I know the two of us were laughing so hard that my abs still hurt. We needed that laugh. We deserve that laugh. Gosh darn it, we have been so good we deserve some fun!

Then, Mak, love her, started feeling woozy so the fun slowly died down. We started a movie and gave up because she had to throw up. We trecked downstairs to the empty bathroom that looks like the one from Harry Potter and sat there talking about how much fun we'd been having. She ended up not puking, but we walked back upstairs. She crawled in bed, I filled water bottles and set out the garbage for her to use if necessary. She passed out safely snoring, and I settled in to watch friends. Quiet, me time. Ahh.

I didn't feel sick for more than a minute, but I also drank more water than her... Ahh c'est la vie.

So, now I am wide awake enjoying my time alone, with the sleeping roommate. I'm pondering how I called Neil, Brandon Bowie, Austin, Cole, and Cody and none of them answered, but Austin called me back. He was drunk too. And despite my desire to call Chris out of habit, I made the good drunk decision not to. Partially because I deleted his number and my fuzzy brain couldn't remember it and partially because I know it won't do me any good. Mom was right when we talked this weekend. Calling or talking to Chris won't make any differences in the weird relationship we have. He is going to come and go because he's too dumb to figure out that he might actually like me. And I have the choice to make on whether or not I let him in my life. I thought I wanted to talk to him and figure feelings out and why we do what we do over and over again without changing anything, but it's insane. So, my little drunk butt learned a lesson tonight, call your friends and they'll find you funny. Call an ex and it won't do any good. Ever.

I wish I had some way to prove to you all that I won't go scampering off to talk to him the next time he shows up, but I don't. I wish I had something to prove to myself that I won't want to go scampering back to him the next time he shows up. Maybe, if I write it down every day I might start believing it.... Hmmmm. New idea...

Anyways, despite being pretty darn smashed earlier this evening, I was only a little stupid.

Blood donation.

I donated blood today. Then the guy sat me up too fast and I forgot breakfast and passed out. Otherwise it was good.

I'm starting to feel the familiar sting of rejection and losing friends again. I understand that I'm not perfect and what everyone wants in a friend. But, if you are my friend then why leave? Why cut me out? I feel like the friend that no one wants.

Chris never answered me about talking things out. So I said "you are a coward and I don't know why I ever loved you" and moved on. Probably, he will text in a few months. If he agrees to talk for real then I will answer otherwise I deserve better.

I am hurt about Mak looking at an apartment with tavia. I'm sad I wasn't invited. I'm sad they didn't think of me in their plans of where to live next year. I'm deeply hurt that Mak didn't tell me honestly that she was going to look at a place with tavia. I'm upset that I am not my roommates first choice for a roommate next year. I hate that I get left behind. I'm being abandoned again.

So I donated blood. I feel like I just got robbed of my friends and somehow, everything and everyone else is still more important than me.

Another letter to Mr. Bentz

Hello again darling,

I have long let slide your refusal to talk about us as friends or otherwise. I have let you come into my life and leave again without much of a fight.

However, I'm tired of it. I deserve to talk shit out like adults. We've known each other a long time now and I feel I deserve better from you.

I don't want us back together, but me being me, I need to talk about why we keep finding ourselves together again. You are a horrible friend. You are an emotionally damaging boyfriend. And you don't know how to love anyone but yourself. The only good thing we have now is sex. And trust me hun, I don't need you for that. There are plenty of men knocking on my door that will treat me with more respect than you ever do.

I used to believe we could talk about anything. But that's not true. You run when things get serious or real.

So here's the deal. You leave me alone forever now. I don't want to hear from you. I don't want to see you. I don't even want to remember us. Because baby, I can't believe I ever loved you.

I know you don't ever listen to me, but please, listen just this once and go away forever.

I do not love you. There is no forever anymore, except without you.

Goodbye Chris.

-Hannah Meyers

Tomorrow.

I will be voting No tomorrow on both the marriage amendment and the voter id amendment. I believe strongly that our rights should not be infringed upon. I want everyone to be able to share in marriage no matter who they love. No one should get to say someone isn't allowed the benefits and recognition that only marriage brings. I also believe the voter id amendment is slowly taking our voting rights away. I'm a student and with the amendment I would no longer be able to register tomorrow to vote. I would have to get home to vote where my state id lists my address. I believe that living in the cities 9 months out of the year makes me a St.Paul citizen and I should be able to vote here without having to go through the pain to change my address on my id twice a year to reflect my current residence.

I will stand by my views and I will happily talk with you if you don't understand why I'm voting the way I am.

Also, new Aerosmith album tomorrow!!!!! :)

My Head is Swimming

There has been an unbelievable amount of stuff going on in my personal and academic life lately. I'm busy trying to outline and begin a paper worth 50% of my theory class.  I'm in the midst of putting together my poetry for the end of the semester, quickly approaching. I'm also trying to help a friend through a really tough time. I'm working through things with Katie. I'm also putting Chris on the back burner as some new opportunities have popped up. I'm exploring my individuality and my beliefs. I'm interested in possibly taking on a religion minor. We'll see. I've also been dealing with frequent headaches and some more noticeable anxiety. I'm working on figuring out what I want to do relationship wise. I'm exploring a couple new guys as potential people I might like to either get to know better or eventually date. We'll see.

My head is swimming with all this stuff, but I'm really good. I'm growing and becoming who I want to be. I'm finding I'm very happy despite the amount of stress I'm under. My head may be swimming, but I'm sure floating along the winding river of this crazy life. I'm just praying I don't hit any rapids...