Untapped Courage

I had been texting Chris and trying to make things work and it wasn't happening. We had talked the other day, but he stopped mid conversation as soon as I started getting at real issues with the two of us. (Communication problems, I'm not a personal whore, etc.) So I have tried texting him again but no answer. So I did something I didn't think I had the courage to do. I actually called him. 

Now, I haven't called him in years. I'm serious here. Despite being drunk a few times and contacting him that was always just texts. I haven't called him since we were initially trying to figure things out after breaking up years ago. 

So, I was fed up with not being heard. I called him. He didn't answer. His voicemail is the same as it was years ago. I said that I was frustrated and tired with not being able to talk after he had agreed to work on our friendship. I said I want him in my life but I can only do half the work and I'm not going to do it anymore.  I said I just need to go my way and he needs to go his. I said no hard feelings but I don't want to hear from him anymore. I said I wish him the best. Goodbye. 

I didn't cry. I am not sad. I did what had to be done. I'm making a promise to my girlfriends that when he texts I'm giving them my phone until I'm ok to have it back. I'm not going to lie to myself anymore. It's going to be hard to resist the hope that he runs back to me again in a few months, but I don't need him anymore. I just wish he wouldn't show back up in a few months. If he leaves me alone I can leave him alone. But when he shows up I can't help but feel something that it's like fate. I can't help but believe he cares a little bit, but that's not true. We can be perfect together but we're horrible apart. And when apart is all we've got then it's not worth it. He needs to stay away now.