am i really lonely?

I push people away. I never cuddle. I don't do intimacy. I don't let people get close ever. I get scared of that stuff because a certain first love of mine happened to emotionally scar me pretty bad. I can't blame it all on him, although he deserves a lot of blame. I have problems of my own. I have anxiety. I have depression. I have panic attacks from time to time. I live with my OCD. For me, these are things I have learned to own the last year. These things are part of who I am. Honestly, I may never find another person that saw me without my problems like Chris did in the beginning, but I am ok with that. So much of why I loved Chris was because of how I felt when I was loving him. Every day was another blessing. I always had a goodnight call and someone to tell my secrets too. I loved feeling like I was safe and comfortable when he was around. I loved the way I couldn't help but smile when I remember he was mine. I loved knowing that no matter what, I had someone who believed in me and would back me up against the world, that is, until he stopped supporting me. Until he quit listening and being there to hear my secrets. Until he made me cry instead of smile. Until instead of safe and comfortable I felt alone and hurt with him. So much went wrong and I need to remind myself that he does not love me, does not care about me, and does not want me in his life. The man I miss and the feelings I miss are gone. I am ok with that. I am mad at him for so much that I am at a point now where even thinking or typing his name makes me want to push delete with unending vigor. He is not a good person for me, and in my opinion, for anyone.

All this has made my therapist ask me if I am lonely. I answered without a doubt yes. I know how to cope with lonely though. People here for me is a strange concept for me. Even friends! I am lonely. I am without a desire to have anything besides what I do except in rare moments where I close my eyes and remember nights falling asleep with someone. Those nights were what I treasure most. Perfect moments in time where I was in love, he seemed to be too, and above it all, we were happy. Late at night, in the dark and alone when all is quiet, I am lonely. I want nothing more than to curl up with my old Chris, shut out the world, cry for awhile then just let him tell me he's not ever going to leave.

In the light of day though, I don't know what to do about those feelings, so I shut them away and shut people out. I get scared of how alone I feel and I cope by hiding from it all. I sometimes even consider dating someone, anyone, just to not be alone anymore. That desperation makes me mad though and I just stuff it all away even more. If someone is supposed to find me they will, otherwise, I shall be patiently waiting in all of my freshman fat glory and my anxiety problems. I'm a reallllll catch I tell ya. Even tell your friends!

In the end, I am who I am. Beautiful inside and out. My faults make me me and make my mold a special one. My other half out there, whoever you may be, is perfect in their own way too. If only the lonely boat in my way would sail into the distance so I can see in the harbor and find my perfect yacht.

a misleading adventure

I wrote this in my creating across genres class today and loved it! Enjoy!

A misleading adventure
By: Hannah Meyers

We decided to take an adventure. We planned the route, printed the internet generated map, and filled the gas tank. I grabbed my purse and he his wallet. Before we left, he checked the small pocket for a colorful square that protected our lives. We drove off and merged onto the highway.

Cute conversation filled the car on top of the rap music and the thud of the bass. We were excited to get away for the day. A special date just for us. An adventure across the bridge in Stillwater MN to visit Wisconsin just because.

I was excited to shop and be the pretty girl on his arm. We drove along the road approaching town. Before we could hit main street though, we saw a secluded parking lot where we could stop and let hormones run wild.

That colorful square was what he was excited for. We didn't get to shop that day. We never went across the bridge. We hid behind an old building in his little car and embarked on an all too familiar journey. This journey here was of cramped muscles in the too small passenger seat and the smell of latex and lust.

He always got to his destination on this adventure. I however, was left behind searching for an escape from the latex. Hoping to find my own destination where I would be the pretty girl on his arm.

the end of an era

It is officially the end of an era for me. It is the end of a time in my life where I have been perpetually lost and confused. I have been transitioning for a few days now and I am starting to a get a footing on where I am.

I feel:
Lonely
Conflicted about school
Worried about my life plans
Lonely
Nerdy
Awesome
Smart
Lonely
Courageous
Imaginative
Faithful
Strong
Lonely

For some reason, I feel lonely. I do not need cuddling or any of that cute business. I am not sure why I want it so bad right now. I just feel beyond lonely and like I need someone to just make me feel special and cuddle me like they mean it. Not just cause we slept together cuddle, but because we didn't kind of cuddling. Just to hold me kind of cuddle.

grieving is ok. life changes.

Since my loss of feelings for Chris, I've only shed 1 actual tear. I've been just out of it and confused about everything. I feel lost in my own skin. For so long I based everything I ever did off of a conscious and unconscious idea of what would make Chris most likely to still love me. That was really unhealthy and abusive to my thought patterns. Everything about Chris is an abusive relationship. He never hit me with fists, but words and actions hurt more and lasted longer than any bruise. I came to second guess my wants and needs because I didn't want to lose Chris from my life. Now, I don't have to do that and it's hard to know what I really want now.

Mary, my therapist for those who don't know, said that this is a state of transition for me. It will be hard for a few weeks or months until I start being ok with making my own decisions. She also said that greiving is ok. I'm going to be sad about losing my first love. Sure, the person and relationship has been gone a long time now, but the feelings haven't been until now. That is something that it is ok to grieve and feel sad about. My life is changing and I am growing. There will be growing pains that come with this spurt...

It's monday...

Monday is my busiest day of class. I have three classes one of which is 3hours at night. I am beyond tired today. I slept 10 full hours last night and still I'm tired. On top of class being busy, I have homework to do before I can sleep. Oh how I wish I could sleep!

Birthday Girl!

Today is my day! It's Happy Birthday Hannah Day! Everyone love on me! I'm just kidding, although presents are appreciated! ;)

I've been having an amazing week. Yesterday was a real point of importance for me and those who know me well (AKA my parents). I went to see Chris yesterday. We went to his house and hung out for a couple of hours. On the way there, he asked for Paige's number to smoke with her. I was mad. Then when we got to his house and cuddled up in his bed like old days, it just wasn't the same feeling I was expecting. I'm going to be honest and say yes, we did end up having sex. I know most of my loyal readers are hitting their computer at this point, but bear with me. It was amazing as always, but I didn't feel the same kind of love and intimacy that was there before. When I attempted to cuddle and flirt I didn't feel it the same way I used to. He was still a cute guy that has his moments, but being back in his house and in a semblance of the life I used to live, I felt wrong. When he dropped me back off, I didn't have the same spring in my step like I usually do after seeing him.

I went to talk to Kirsten and I fell apart into happy tears because I realized that I don't FEEL any of the same love, emotion, or intimacy with Chris anymore. I'm finally truly free! I cried happy tears that were long coming. If I see Chris again, it will be purely as a friend. I don't want him to be my boyfriend anymore. I don't want to deal with the jealousy and the conflict that a relationship with such a douchebag would bring me. I have realized that a year and half later, I can finally close the door on that chapter of my feelings and let myself love again in new directions. I can date and be free from the possibility of Chris ever coming back! I don't want him to be mine anymore. I don't want Christopher Robert Loren Bentz to be the man that I say I do to anymore. I don't want to have him as my person. I am my own person and I am beautiful and strong.

This realization on top of some amazing people in my life has made me see that I can love again. I can feel happy and I can quit waiting on something that is not worth my time and tears.

Happy birthday to me!

contemplations

When the day is done, at 11o'clock, I curl up in bed and wind down my thoughts. I loosen the ties of reality and life. Let fall my troubles as leaves from a tree. It's terribly freeing to be honest.

Something has been nagging at my worry threshold all day. I don't really want to acknowledge it, but if I don't it will not go away. I have a big big birthday wish that won't come true. I have something that I want so bad that it worries me. I try to ignore it, but it's as if I'm lying to myself all day long then.
My birthday wish is this: for me to have lunch with Katie and be comfortable and not panicking in my dorm before and after, for me to have more amazing beautiful sweet perfect dates with chris and to have him stick around and not make me feel so scared to get hurt again, and lastly, for my room situation for next year to just magically work out.

My wish is big. They are all things only I can make happen. However, things could work in my favor to help. Mostly, I want Chris to stick around. As cheesy and stupid as that is, I do miss him and our date was very perfect. If only he would realize we're perfect for each other in all of our stupid flaws. Oh well. I can only wish. I've said my piece. I've laid my line. I stand by who I am and where I am so he cannot hurt me here. He can try and maybe get close, but no life altering ruining is happening in this birthday girl!

So, as I try to sleep tonight, I fear closing my eyes. I know I will be dreaming of Chris and of Katie and of school. All my wishes will be dreamt. If only when waking could they exist.