am i really lonely?

I push people away. I never cuddle. I don't do intimacy. I don't let people get close ever. I get scared of that stuff because a certain first love of mine happened to emotionally scar me pretty bad. I can't blame it all on him, although he deserves a lot of blame. I have problems of my own. I have anxiety. I have depression. I have panic attacks from time to time. I live with my OCD. For me, these are things I have learned to own the last year. These things are part of who I am. Honestly, I may never find another person that saw me without my problems like Chris did in the beginning, but I am ok with that. So much of why I loved Chris was because of how I felt when I was loving him. Every day was another blessing. I always had a goodnight call and someone to tell my secrets too. I loved feeling like I was safe and comfortable when he was around. I loved the way I couldn't help but smile when I remember he was mine. I loved knowing that no matter what, I had someone who believed in me and would back me up against the world, that is, until he stopped supporting me. Until he quit listening and being there to hear my secrets. Until he made me cry instead of smile. Until instead of safe and comfortable I felt alone and hurt with him. So much went wrong and I need to remind myself that he does not love me, does not care about me, and does not want me in his life. The man I miss and the feelings I miss are gone. I am ok with that. I am mad at him for so much that I am at a point now where even thinking or typing his name makes me want to push delete with unending vigor. He is not a good person for me, and in my opinion, for anyone.

All this has made my therapist ask me if I am lonely. I answered without a doubt yes. I know how to cope with lonely though. People here for me is a strange concept for me. Even friends! I am lonely. I am without a desire to have anything besides what I do except in rare moments where I close my eyes and remember nights falling asleep with someone. Those nights were what I treasure most. Perfect moments in time where I was in love, he seemed to be too, and above it all, we were happy. Late at night, in the dark and alone when all is quiet, I am lonely. I want nothing more than to curl up with my old Chris, shut out the world, cry for awhile then just let him tell me he's not ever going to leave.

In the light of day though, I don't know what to do about those feelings, so I shut them away and shut people out. I get scared of how alone I feel and I cope by hiding from it all. I sometimes even consider dating someone, anyone, just to not be alone anymore. That desperation makes me mad though and I just stuff it all away even more. If someone is supposed to find me they will, otherwise, I shall be patiently waiting in all of my freshman fat glory and my anxiety problems. I'm a reallllll catch I tell ya. Even tell your friends!

In the end, I am who I am. Beautiful inside and out. My faults make me me and make my mold a special one. My other half out there, whoever you may be, is perfect in their own way too. If only the lonely boat in my way would sail into the distance so I can see in the harbor and find my perfect yacht.