Since my loss of feelings for Chris, I've only shed 1 actual tear. I've been just out of it and confused about everything. I feel lost in my own skin. For so long I based everything I ever did off of a conscious and unconscious idea of what would make Chris most likely to still love me. That was really unhealthy and abusive to my thought patterns. Everything about Chris is an abusive relationship. He never hit me with fists, but words and actions hurt more and lasted longer than any bruise. I came to second guess my wants and needs because I didn't want to lose Chris from my life. Now, I don't have to do that and it's hard to know what I really want now.
Mary, my therapist for those who don't know, said that this is a state of transition for me. It will be hard for a few weeks or months until I start being ok with making my own decisions. She also said that greiving is ok. I'm going to be sad about losing my first love. Sure, the person and relationship has been gone a long time now, but the feelings haven't been until now. That is something that it is ok to grieve and feel sad about. My life is changing and I am growing. There will be growing pains that come with this spurt...
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