Oh just shut up

So, the little writer in me has been going overboard on the "getting over chris" posts lately. I apologize. For my loyal readers, my life is not just one continual problem, well not always. For instance, I am in a job search frenzy right now because my darling mother thinks I'm not trying. well poo on you and just you wait and see. I also am working a little bit on my book. I've been mulling over some ideas that I started in creative writing class and I may have another book of poetry or some short anthology in the works. stay tuned. Lastly, I have an addiction to diet coke. just thought I'd share. farewell and write soon!

What do I stand for?

Some nights I wish this all would end cause I could use some friends.

What do I stand for? Most nights I don't know.

This song has been stuck in my head. It has a super catchy tune but mostly the words hit home. What do I stand for?

I stand for freedom from labels. I stand for individuality. I stand for love. I stand to legalize love. I stand for myself. I stand for making mistakes and learning. I stand for late nights and early mornings. I stand for psychology and writing. I stand for karma. O stand for always dreaming. I stand for an era I wish I would have grown  up in. The 70's lol

I stand for a lot. I stand for everything that makes me who I am. I know its hard staying on my path of good choice, but I stand for that.

Still haven't contacted Chris. I stand for pride and courage and conviction.

I can do this. Even when its hard.

Pride

I got straight A's this semester. That brought my GPA to a beautiful 3.74. I rock.

The best part of this achievement? I did it all on my own.

Addiction

They say that some people are more prone to addictions than others. I always rolled my eyes and knew that I'm smart enough to not make those choices. The truth is though, there are more than just substances to be addicted to.

Since I was 16, I have been higher than high on the very existence of a man. When he was mine, I spent everyday feeding my addiction. Over time, my tolerance grew and I wanted and needed more from him. He could only give so much.

He left. He broke my heart and since that day close to 2 years ago, I have been living a life of withdrawls and binges that has only further hurt me.

I went months sometimes without him. I could do it, or so I thought, but then I would cave and call him or text him and we would see each other. I would lay in his arms and soak up every little bit of him I could. I'd take such concentrated doses of him that I would be a mess the next week from the sickness he caused. But, those binges reminded me of what that addiction and indulgence felt like.

I came to depend on my binges, bad idea. I began counting the days until I felt I could bother him to see me again. Then even that stopped. We tried to be friends. That was like taking me off heroin and putting me on methadone. Sure, it cuts the cravings, but the high isn't the same. Again, we caved. I saw him again.

The last time I saw him was bad. Laying under the stars in his arms and talking about wishes and life and having him lean down and kiss my head like he used to caused an overdose. I had the worst trip of my life that night. I didn't sleep. I wanted to crawl in a hole and forget my whole existence. But, I stayed strong.

Now, I realize I am better than a life of addiction. I don't need some drug to hold me up. I can go without him. So far, I have made it 4 days with minimal tears. For that, I am proud. The cravings will get bad, but I am ready to fight this time. I am ready to bar him entry into my system.

I will break this addiction and I will break my heart break.

Made it another day

I made it another day without texting him. I made it almost all day today without thinking about him. I made it until I was panicking to think about him. I can do it.

However, I am stressed. I do not do well talking about being stressed. Since I realized I have anxiety and ocd, I stuff things inside to try to make myself seem better, fixed. No problems with me. This only makes it worse for my little brain. Instead of confronting the stress and working through it with my family, I hide it until it becomes too much to bear and my little hands shake and my whole body fills with fear, anxiety, and stress. This is no good. I need a new coping mechanism. I am working on this. I shall keep you posted.

This isn't giving up. No, this is letting go.

For almost 2 years now, I hung on to a belief in my deepest part of my heart and soul that Chris and I were meant to be together. I never quit loving or hoping for another day with him. I learned to put up a front and hide my feelings. I didn't ever cry in front of anyone over him for a long time lately. But, now I need to get a true new start. I am lonely and it is of my own doing partially. I shut people out and keep them at bay so that I can love Chris and so that I don't get hurt. I have to let go of those feelings. I run to him whenever I get lonely, sad, scared, anything. I can no longer depend on him being my back up. I deserve better than just his backup and he shouldn't be mine. I deserve to love someone the same way I loved Chris. I should be free. I should be happy to be single with every ounce of my being, and right now, I'm not. So, last night, I told him I can't be just a last resort. I can't be his lonely call in the night. I don't deserve that. I can't have my feelings for him affecting myself all the time. I need to let myself in my deepest heart of hearts love me and only me until the right guy comes along. He cannot hold even a piece of my affections. For me to do this, I can't be his friend. I can't text him. I can't go see him at night. I can't let any part of his existence interfere with mine. So, I am cutting him off. I am freeing myself. I will grow weak and want to give in. I will want to answer his text when it comes months from now. I will miss him everyday for awhile. I will be lost for awhile. Even when I changed and grew so much, I held him closest to my heart to never let it change. Now, I need to throw him out. So, loyal readers... I will more than likely be posting a lot in the upcoming months until I get another hobby. Please, be there for me to run to so I don't run to him. Help me make this break final like the other breaks should have been. This isn't giving up. No, this is letting go. That is my anthem right now.

Someone pinch me

I think I'm dreaming. A very elaborate, realistic dream that is slowly killing me.

I dreamed I would be able to fall in love forever like with someone I already know. I dreamed my love would come back to me exclaiming his stupidity. I dreamed I would have everything perfect again if I only had a boyfriend to break my path.

I don't need someone breaking my way. I blaze a trail all my own. No old love. No old friends. No old pain. No way. I am not old and neither will my life be.

I am a free woman with a true soul and a compassionate heart. Beware world... here I come and I am a whole lot of woman.

Just not sure

So I'm laying here. Listening to my friends talk about the party they're at or the fun stuff they're doing. I am happy to have summer, but I just feel terribly lonely and down.

I guess all I can do is sleep and hope for a better day. Maybe I'll get gauges tomorrow. That's something for me that I could enjoy. Lol :p jk mom.

A crush

So, I have a crush. Stupid as it is. And the funniest part? I've known him since kindergarten.

Neil is one of my best friends. He is unbelievably kind and sweet. He never fails to talk me through a hard time. He flatters me and compliments me. He offers to take me out to the movies. He respects how I feel about having a random hookup and he doesn't push me to do any of that.

Problem is, he's perfect. Bigger problem is, he just doesn't want to "have a serious relationship". Biggest problem is, I do.

He called me beautiful tonight. He tells me to have sweet dreams. He takes care of me when I'm feeling down and upset about everything else in life. I text him everyday. I don't understand why he does all this if he doesn't want to date.

The worst thing though, I know neil would never ever ever pressure me into anything, I've had such bad experience with guys being dishonest that I can't help but think this is one elaborate way to get in my pants.

I know its not, but I just don't get why he's torturing me like this if its not going to go anywhere.

Whether they are sweethearts or douche bags, guys don't make sense.

Why

First, why do guys think it is ok to keep trying to get in your pants when you say no? Why kiss me again when I pushed you away? That my not so nice friend is assault.

Second, where do you get the right after you assault me to go on and text me asking why the hell I told my friend, who works with sexual offense services, what happened? I have a right to talk. Shut up. You screwed up. Don't blame me. If anything you should say sorry.

Third, you claim most guys would have tried harder? No. Harder would have been rape. So thank dear God that you didn't "try harder".

A little bit of wishing on stars...

One of the things I love about being home is the stars. You can't see those in the city like you can out here. Every little pinprick of light out there has probably been wished on by millions of people. There is something special about sharing a wish on a star. Who knows who else may be wishing for something right that moment on that same star. I think that every wish comes true somehow. It just may not always go exactly like we think.

For the longest time, I wished for Chris to come back. And he did, just not as my boyfriend like I had hoped. Then I wished that he would love me again. And he did, just sexually and not emotionally. Then I wished for him to be my friend. And he is. Now, I wish for nothing to do with him. And he does, nothing to do with me. Except for rare moments when a shooting star goes by and forgets all the old wishes and flashes light into our lives and we connect as friends like nothing ever happened. These moments are when, I believe, he texts me for no reason. I guess he's making his own wishes on his end.

Now what do I wish for? I wish for school to go well and for good grades. I wish for friends that won't hurt me. I wish for an apartment that will be perfect for me. I wish for a job to pay for life. I wish for a relationship that won't scare me. I wish I wasn't scared in general. I wish for a lot of things. But, my most important wish, that everything that happens in my life makes me a better person.

i'm sorry!

I'm sorry for my rants. I'm sorry for everything I have shouted. I forgot to take my vitamins and allergy meds and birthcontrol and all my antianxiety vitamins. It messed me up. Its amazing that forgetting VITAMINS for one day will mess me up.

still peeved

Ok first, I'm happy for people in relationships, but I don't want to see you post crap about relationships if you're in one. I get that your happy and good for you, but honestly, shut up! And if you are in an emotionally unhealthy relationship and can't see it yet, don't delete my cautionary comments on your "perfect" man. Get off your high horse and realize that needing constant reassurance that he's not cheating and desperately missing him after only a few hours is not a good reflection on your relationship. You sound dependant and stupid. And you should not, I repeat, should not post about marriage or wanting babies when you are still in high school. No way. You are retarded! Second, I am wide awake two hours before I need to be. What is wrong with me??? Third, I dread finals. Fourth, I want to call mom and cry. Idk why. Fifth, I want to see my friends, but right now I'm in such an off mood that I want to just go home and be done. Lastly, I feel bad about ripping on everything today and last night in my blogs, but I have been needing to let these opinions out for awhile.

suddenly angry?

Why am I having mood swings? Idk. I feel bipolar. All of a sudden I just want to hit someone. Anyone. Everyone. My heart is racing and I feel sick. What is wrong with me!???? Help! I want paige and her dad to leave. I'm tired of this. I'm done. Stick a fork in me. Also, little ashley, my sisters first friend in kindergarten, used to piss me off cause she is a bossy bratty bitchy brutish, burly, buttface. She is now 15 and 15 times worse. She likes everything Colby posts on facebook. He is almost 19! That is sooooo illegal. It makes me angry as hell because he was my friend. My reliable colby. Now, I'm nothing more than a chick he used to sleep with. Great. I screwed that up. Now I have no friend in colby despite what he says. And ashley is just a big bitch. Sorry but its true. She needs to get slapped. Also, my skin is erupting in hives cause idiot kirsten failed to tell me that she and teddy went to joes crabshack for dinner tonight before teddy started licking me! I now am in pain. So if anyone wasn't convinced, I am allergic to shellfish. Thankfully I didn't lick teddy lol Oh and paige and her dad are drinking beer while I try to sleep. This is soooo wrong. I just want to hit them. And then both of them try to convince me that smoking pot and ditching on my family is ok. They try to tell me that I should just go live on my own. Are they nuts????? No. Here is something everyone needs to hear loud and clear... I love my family. I love my dad and mom and brother and sister. They are the people I know I can trust and rely on and believe in. They care about me and I respect them out of courtesy for everything they have ever given me. We may not be blood related, but our bonds are stronger than a bloodline. We are connected directly at the heart and that means more than anything to me. Sure, I miss Katie and yes I love her. She is a part of who I am, but she comes and goes. Her abandonment never seems to cease sometimes. But my mom, my real mom, the on that is there when I fall apart to pick up the pieces doesn't judge me for anything I decide. I don't feel that from katie. There is a reason I try to limit what I tell her. And katie, when you read this. Don't get angry. Don't be hurt. I am ranting and honestly you are lucky. Out of the 19 years of my life, I have screamed at my mother enough for you to get a little blog spat. Ask her. She'll tell you I freak out... I love everyone in the end because I am a genuine kind hearted person, but right here I needed to vent.

Why is it?

Why is it that in the midst of finals and all this mess, I can't get Chris out of my head? Why is it that he shows up in my dreams? Why is it that I know consciously and unconsciously that he is not meant to be with me and I don't want to date him ever again but he still is in my head? Why is it that my stomach turns over on itself every time I see his name pop up on my phone screen? Why is it that HE texted me after he told me he has his eye on a girl and that we shouldn't hang out anymore? Why is it that he says things like "i don't have a girl" to me? Why is it that my head may be swimming with school stuff and busy beyond belief, but all I want to do is curl up in my chair and write him a letter with all my thoughts? Why is it that he should even deserve to be my friend? Why is it that I let him play this game? Why is it that I want to drink his memory away today? Why is it that the smell of my roommates weed reminds me of him? Why is it ok that everything reminds me of him today? Why is it that I can't even distract myself from him today? Why can't I stop listing stupid questions that don't matter in like ten minutes? Why can't he just stick around or go? Why????

Mondays

As the end of the year draws near, my dislike of monday's grows exponentially. This is my last monday of class and I find it beyond impossible to concentrate on anything for more than 5 minutes. There is stuff that needs to be done and continual roadblocks in my way. I am trying to clean and ready myself to be out of the dorm and have to work around my messy roommate. I get judged by her and her friend about how I work ahead of time on everything. I never am late and procrastination is not an intentional option. I want to send everything home right this second but that is not possible. So, I have a stack of boxes, ever growing, of things that can go home. I am ready to be done here. The other bad thing about monday is that I have a night class on Monday. Today is my last day of said class and we have an exam. If I do well on my exam, I do not need to take the final on next Monday night. This would be ideal. So, brain... abnormal psychology and you seem to be pretty well acquainted already, don't fail me now. I don't know what it is, but something has pissed paige off more than normal. She is sulky and quiet but very very angry. I don't know what is wrong, but I know if I ask it will only makes things worse. Silence is golden. Now, I shall study and work hard on all I have to do before the end of the year. Productivity on Monday here I come!