Addiction

They say that some people are more prone to addictions than others. I always rolled my eyes and knew that I'm smart enough to not make those choices. The truth is though, there are more than just substances to be addicted to.

Since I was 16, I have been higher than high on the very existence of a man. When he was mine, I spent everyday feeding my addiction. Over time, my tolerance grew and I wanted and needed more from him. He could only give so much.

He left. He broke my heart and since that day close to 2 years ago, I have been living a life of withdrawls and binges that has only further hurt me.

I went months sometimes without him. I could do it, or so I thought, but then I would cave and call him or text him and we would see each other. I would lay in his arms and soak up every little bit of him I could. I'd take such concentrated doses of him that I would be a mess the next week from the sickness he caused. But, those binges reminded me of what that addiction and indulgence felt like.

I came to depend on my binges, bad idea. I began counting the days until I felt I could bother him to see me again. Then even that stopped. We tried to be friends. That was like taking me off heroin and putting me on methadone. Sure, it cuts the cravings, but the high isn't the same. Again, we caved. I saw him again.

The last time I saw him was bad. Laying under the stars in his arms and talking about wishes and life and having him lean down and kiss my head like he used to caused an overdose. I had the worst trip of my life that night. I didn't sleep. I wanted to crawl in a hole and forget my whole existence. But, I stayed strong.

Now, I realize I am better than a life of addiction. I don't need some drug to hold me up. I can go without him. So far, I have made it 4 days with minimal tears. For that, I am proud. The cravings will get bad, but I am ready to fight this time. I am ready to bar him entry into my system.

I will break this addiction and I will break my heart break.