i'll write this if no one asks about it.

Lately, something from my past has been on my mind since I talked to Mary, my therapist about it. I am about to tell my loyal readers a very personal and private story. I ask for no questions and no "I'm sorry's". This is something I have come to terms with through my own doing and for that I am very proud of myself.

When Chris and I broke up, we ended up hooking up shortly after. As I was beyong emotionally wrecked and mentally unstable at that time, I had been flighty on taking my birthcontrol. I wasn't worried though because I didn't even thinki of it at the time. Roughly a few weeks after that I was due for my period, but I was late. I took an early pregnancy test in a Taco Bell bathroom and found out I was pregnant.

I decided to ignore it and pretend like it wasn't happening. Chris had broken my life, my friends would have only called me more crazy, and I didn't want to face my mistake with my parents. However, I didn't have to. About a week after I should have gotten my period, I began spotting and cramping very bad. I realized I was miscarrying.

At five weeks barely, I didn't feel a terrible loss or any large tissue passage. The cramps were painful, but I was ok. I guessed what was happening and chose to not go to the doctor. As I had not told anyone I was pregnant and had not even confirmed with a doctor, I felt no need to subject myself to that.

As horrible as it was, I was slightly relieved. It was a problem that my body had known how to take care of. I believe that because I was in such an emotional, mental and physical upset with everything else, that my heart knew it was not the right time for this and allowed my body to release it.

I did not tell Chris until about 5 months ago.

When he and I fought this last time, the thing that spurred on our fight the most was when he had made a comment about wanting kids. I responded with a "well thankfully for you, it died" sarcastically. He responded with a horrible comment that I am very angry and hurt about to this very moment, "at least it wasn't really a baby".

For this reason, I have had this on my mind and it has become too much stress to carry it inside. I am owning this on here and then allowing myself to stop feeling guilty and like I hide this from everyone. I needed to be ok before I could admit this.

I thank my readers again for doing me the courtesy of not asking about this experience. I am ok. I am alright with what happened, and now that I have owned this to the public, I just want to move on like it never happened.