maybe i can

I think this week is Karma just getting back at me. Stuff just doesn't seem to go right and it's really difficult.

However, I have talked to Rich about the things holding me back and just things that are on my mind. For the first time in a long time, I felt comfortable talking about the personal things I've tried so hard to ignore and avoid. I never realized how truly amazing it is to be honest with myself about my fears and my wants. I never would have come to this honesty without Rich to talk to. I only hope he knows how much I appreciate him.

Yet, I am not ready to cuddle or hold hands. I'm not ready to kiss yet. I am not at a point where I am comfortable being really intimate with someone again. The last man I let in hurt me. I have to be careful. I have told him this. I am not leading him anywhere yet. I need to just take things slow. Talking with him like this is so hard as it is.

For the first time since Chris has been gone, I looked at another man and did not instantly think of and see Chris. I am scared but I know it is a good fear. It is fear of the new but it is not scary, it is just different. I will always have those feelings in that time for Chris, but I can allow myself to see other men. I can allow feelings to exist again. I am terrified and I can't help but tear up because of the fear. I feel that familiar pressure of the anxiety attacks again. I am on the verge of panic but I can be strong. I can do this.

Also, Chris wanted to see me last night or sometime this week. I said no. To say no to him when he wanted to see me nearly killed me. But to my surprise, me saying no to him did not end the conversation. It was not the end of the communication. Saying no didn't mean I had to forget about him. Saying no did not mean he would forget about me. Saying no didn't end the past. Saying no did not end his desire to just see me. It did not finish the story. It merely put a chapter break in. It split the volumes finally.

I can let myself see other guys as something potential. I can acknowledge Chris as a sort of friend. I can go on after saying no. It did not kill me. It may have made me cry, but only a cleansing. I can say no.