A Long Individual Healing Process

I lost someone last year who I believed was the love of my life. I was wrong.

I had not really become angry at Chris until Sunday evening. I had been so blind to the actions I was taking in reference to the words I was speaking.

I believed with every last hope that Chris was just going to come back. That is the simplest reason that I went to him at his every beck and call.

As I finally gained enough courage to invite him formally into my life here, he said maybe in such a nonchalant tone that I knew it was a lie. At that moment, I realized I was really being toyed with and used. Finally the anger hit.

I was angry at him for all that he had used me for: emotionally, physically, and mentally. I was mad at myself for being so stupid and blinded by this dumb boy. I was incredibly angry for my inability to see what was happening. I was furious that he would do that to me after all that I have faced in my life.

However, I am stronger. I will not let the anger rule my life. I am putting him out of sight and out of mind. His blog is gone. His pictures are either torn in the trash or awaiting a lighter. His memory is forever tainted by the way he used me for the last year.

I am mad at the way I acted. I take so much pride in my maturity in reference to my peers. I feel like such a dumb teenage girl here that I want to hide in shame. Part of this acceptance of my failings here is walking with my head high and showing that although I made a mistake, it did not ruin who I am inside.

I also hurt someone who mattered a lot to me. Rich is a fantastic guy. I was careless and unkind to his emotions. I did not consider the emotional and mental stake he had in me. I hurt him and for this I am incredibly angry at myself. I have such a tendency to ruin relationships with people because I push my limits and go until everything is too late. I don't know what else to say to him besides I'm sorry. You may not be the prince charming that Chris appeared to be, but you are such a gentleman and a true valiant knight underneath it all.

I claimed that I was healed before. I am never really healed. I am always growing new tissue and building new muscle on top of old. I have realized my stupidity in this situation and for that I deserve some respect and maybe a little forgiveness. I am a human being with faults. But, here I realized that sadness, denial, anger, and then acceptance really is how you heal.