cameron

Cameron came to visit me and is currently passed out on my roommates bed.

When I say he visited, we all know what that means. Its been a good arrangement since Chris and I broke up.

However, I want my Chris back again. Cameron was telling me about his love of his life Emily and how she just comes and goes in his life. He was telling me how every time he sees her, he still wants to marry her. This made me remember Chris. Cameron and I had just been busy with ourselves earlier, but now we were both walking into emotional territory. That is not part of the arrangement.

On top of that, he tells me he saw Chris and his buddy Shaun at McDonald's the other day. Chris and Shaun were super high. Chris saw cam. Something got said about Hannah's and Shaun asked if he was talking about Chris's old Hannah ( aka me) and Chris replied, "not my old Hannah, his." In reference to Cameron.

Why would he say it like that if he was not contemptuous about it? Why would he say that if there was not some lingering jealousy? Just why?

Now, instead of basking in my evening's entertainment, I am consumed by this idea and this feeling. I don't do emotion with people because of this. I am confused again.

I hear more stories of the things Chris says ans does and it adds to my confusion more and more. I know he is bad news. I know he has a girlfriend. I know he has work and school. I know about his extra business dealings. I know it all, but my little heart in all its broken pieces jumps to life again whenever I hear about him. Logic fails in these moments of weakness and sometimes, just sometimes, I wish I could just drive to him and pretend everything was just like a fairy tale ending.

But then I remember, it's Chris. These few small glimpses at the man I loved are only glimpses. He is someone else now. He is not the boy I lost my virginity to. He is not the boy I planned my life out with. He is not the man I intended to raise children with. He is not the man I devoted my heart to. He is not the man that I let so far into myself that I lost who I was. He is not that man anymore. He hurts me and never has given the new us a chance. He is only a memory from the past. Nothing more sadly. Love does not conquer all. Fairy tales lie.

So, here I sit pondering my life questions as the man I use sleeps, as the man I love is loved by someone else, as the emotions I have put away because I have filed them where they go are flying out of their places and making my cod brain so confused.

Sleepless nights and dead days are the way I live right now. Confronting these things is hard. Every time I file something away it flies in my face again and changes the way I see everything else.

my blog best friend

How sad is it that instead of wanting to text someone or call someone when I have a problem or issue, I blog it instead? Do I really need this form of anonimity? Is this really how I am handling things? Its obviously working, I mean I'm not crying or freaking out. I am content to talk things out this way. I am content to write my day out and my hopes and dreams. I am ok with describing the things I experience to here instead of a person. It works for me.

So, tonight, I am riding back from a pizza dinner with my friends listening to the radio. The scenery is just passing by and for a fleeting moment I was so happy to just be riding along in life. I have no controp over where I go at this moment and I enjoy not worrying about things for such a small moment. :)

late night horror and a little bit of some heart to hearts

I have some awesome friends. I love the life I have built here.

The reason my life is so good is the absence of a significant other. I am focusing on friends. I am building more lasting relationships. I have prospects, but I move at the emotional and relationship pace of a turtle on weed. I am slow moving. I have to be more than sure and more than comfortable to let someone that far into my personal life.

I have been so injured, hurt, dragged along, abused emotionally, and tearful over the last year and a half. The prospect of that ever happening again is so utterly terrifying that I refuse to acknowledge that any significant other can be worth that much pain. Therefore, I do not just try things easily. I am slow moving. I need to really feel it. I need communication and romancing. I need someone who will be patient with my problems. I need someone who knows not to ask about my last without being fully ready for me to break down. Even then, I will refuse to tell you anything more than what I deem OK to share.

Someone important told me that I have put up walls around myself. This is not true. I have let my walls down and confronted the me I really am. I am real, so much so that sometimes I do hurt. I have set obstacles and fail safes to avoid that kind of pain again. These are not walls. They are my rent-a-cops keeping me safe.

I have no ability to be patient, yet I ask patience of the man who wishes to be with me. I ask trust and communication. I ask above all else, honesty. No lies.

I cannot hold a hand without instinctively rubbing the thumb of that hand as if it were Chris again. I cannot lay my head on someones shoulder without expecting Chris's smell. I cannot hug or kiss or cuddle without imagining and automatically remembering and comparing it to My Chris. I have not let myself feel anything for so long when it comes to anyone but him. It will be a long road. I have just finished rebounding. Now I am confronting and someday, I will come to real acceptance and then I will be comfortable. Hence, patience and trust.

No more tears over him, but I can cry when I need to. I am OK with that finally. Wish me luck with this journey I am on.

I take it back, they are nuts...

My friends are so strange sometimes! They handcuffed me to Joe and made me walk down the hall like that! so strange! and Rich stripped and threw a tie at me. and then everyone was telling me to go just run after him and throw him into bed! how awkward! I mean, don't get me wrong, Rich is great. He's super funny and really awesome, but i don't want to just jump into sex with someone. I want something a little bit more meaningful than that. I need to take my life so slow with my mental and emotional state. I need time and space. everyone telling me to just go for it doesn't help. if anything it makes me feel stressed and pressured and it ruins the feelings that could be there.

The People in My Life

I love the people in my life at the moment. Each and every person I give my personal time to really adds something to my life.

Kirsten is so genuine and honest. She lives life and is not worried about the worlds perceptions of her or of any choices she makes. She never says no to a heart to heart and she understands emotions better than anyone I've ever met.

Teddy is an amazing little guy who brings smiles to everyone's face no matter how they are feeling.

Autumn is so bubbly and fun to be around. She takes risks and lives without regrets.

Alana is gorgeous inside and out and she genuinely cares about the people in her life. Everyone's words matter to her and she is the first one to ask if someone is O.K.

Jen is an amazing support. She is such a kind and accepting person. She is trustworthy and reliable.

Rich is so quiet but such a great listener. He takes in every bit of information and he knows just how to add humor to conversations. He's sweet and just a great guy all around.

Olivia is my roommate and honestly, she has become such a good person to talk to. I am so glad she is there every night to listen to my random frustrations. I wish her the best of luck with her fancy boy. :)

Mak is the best friend I always needed. She and I may not always get to spend a lot of time together anymore, but she is always my best girl. She has been a support through my ups and downs here. She has always listened to me through my tears and through my laughter. She is never afraid to take on a challenge or a new adventure. She may have her hard times sometimes and I am always here for her too. She is one of the most amazing girls I've ever met and I promise to never let her slip out of my life no matter how busy we get these next few years and the rest of our lives.

My family is always just a phone call away and I know they care about me so much. My family takes love to a whole new level. I am so glad to have them in my life and I for sure got so lucky to have the parents I do.

Katie fits in my life in such an awkward way right now. We both are working towards a solid relationship and place for us both to exist in the other's lives. I respect her opinons so much and I worry she doesn't see just how much her advice matters to me sometimes. I love her for exactly what she is.

I just felt like I needed to give a little notice to everyone in my life and say I love you all! :)

The Blame Game, where EVERYONE loses

In my very exciting homecoming night, I talked to a lot of people. Some, I don't remember. I overdid it with the partying, just a bit. Not only do I feel horrible physically, but mentally and emotionally I'm just screwed.

Everyone in my building is blaming me for spreading a rumor that they were going to do room checks. I did not start this rumor. The only people I told were my friends out of consideration. I did not make it up. I heard from my friends that it was possible so I kindly told my other friends. What they did with this information is all their choice. I did not tell anyone to throw away their alcohol. I did not tell anyone that room checks would be in the morning, yet somehow, I am blamed for the whole conspiracy. Not only do I not appreciate being blamed, but I have a hard time trusting people as it is and this does not help.

Now, in this confusion, the one person on campus that I really want to tell this too, refuses to spend time alone with me. I don't know why I have become too much of a distraction, and I also don't understand why she will not give me the time of day. I took care of her last night. I did the right thing. I feel so unappreciated that it literally hurts. And now, this rumor is spreading and I don't even have my best friend to support me and to stand by my side. This, is not O.K.

So, instead, I sit here blogging about my problems to cyberspace and wishing I had not been involved in anything yesterday. Part of making a life here is making choices about my life. This was a bad choice. Mistakes help us learn if we are strong enough to not make them again. I will not be involved in any sort of kegger next weekend. I will not be involved in any "go fish" this next weekend. I will not be spending my time with people who choose to spend their time this way when they are under the influence. As much fun as it is, it is more of a problem.

I have school and my family to worry about. I have to make time to take care of myself. Doing that, will not get me anyplace I need to be.

So, do not blame me for the things other people say. Do not put your frustrations and anger on me, because it is not my fault.

All The Single Ladies!

I have been single for quite some time now. For awhile, it really bothered me. I didn't know how to be me without he. It was a hard transition. However, I have learned some of my most valuable life lessons along this road.

There have been potholes like none other for me. I have never really had things smooth sailing. But, I am OK with that. If everything was easy and you never faced a challenge you would never really be able to see how far you've come.

I know I will always have trials to overcome, but now I know how to do it on my own. I don't rely on a man to support me through every little bump in the road. I am a strong woman on my own.

It is with great pride that I finally say... "I am happy being single. I don't need to look for someone to love me. I love myself just the way I am." This simple statement is so emotionally important for me. If only the world could understand.

Guilt is Eating Me ALIVE!

I sent an email yesterday with my honest feelings that had been stewing under the surface for a long time now. I was set off by discussing motherhood yesterday. There is so much where she is lacking in this relationship, however, I am not perfect. I never was very clear with my expectations and I never got clued into what she was doing about everything. Basically, there was a really big and awful communication gap.

I should have said something sooner than I did. Instead, I feel guilty for the way I said things and the way I tried to run from it all. It is not her fault, it is mine. My life is so busy, I just wanted to have something under my control. That relationship was floating along on my extreme tendency to talk, email, and try to get things moving where I wanted them. The hesitation and tendency to not initiate on her part had become too frustrating. I was very angered by the emails I received from her. Nothing ever was coming off the way I think it should. It seemed as if she was angry at me for even trying to talk to her at all. So, that is why I suggested ending communication.

Instead, I received a long, painful, angry email back. I really can't explain the anger I felt reading it. I felt so accused, blamed, faulted, judged, criticized, and scolded by her words that I almost stopped reading. Then I read the rest of it. She brought to light a bunch of stuff that I had no ideas about. If I had know she was doing these things, I wouldn't have been upset or frustrated with her at all.

Then, I felt guilty. I felt guilty for my words and my anger. I felt angry and I still do, but I feel like I cannot justifiably be angry at her, yet I am for the faults in her communication. Then I just feel more guilt.

We are going to sit down and talk it out, but I lose my ability to express my feelings face to face. She terrifies me more than any phobia(yes, even more than puppets and marionettes as hard as that is to believe!). It is for this reason that I am still angry, guilty, and scared out of my mind about this whole situation.

If I had shut my mouth it would have been just fine. However, if she really wants to know me, then know this, if I have an opinion, an idea, any problem at all, I speak up. I have to talk things out. That is how I was raised, how I am comfortable now, and how I want to stay.

"Real" Mother

Today in my social problems class, we were talking about things that we consider to be part of our identity. Someone mentioned that they are a mother. This spun out into an almost hour long discussion on the concept of mothers and motherhood.

The term "Real" mother got brought up in reference to the woman who gave birth to the child. This drove me nuts the rest of the hour. It is not the correct term for this person. Birth mother, biological mother, or even socially normal mother would have fit better than "real" mother.

I am adopted. For a long time, this was the first thing I would list when someone told me to tell about myself. Recently, however, I have changed my outlook. The woman who birthed me, birthed me out of a teenage mistake. I firmly believe that she is nowhere near my "real" mother. She is simply a source of half of my chromosomal make up. Honestly, I think I was put into the wrong woman's womb because my REAL mother is who I truly consider my mother, and my family.

This woman that carried me for 9 months did so out of denial first, then only having to deal with me as an "oops". I ended up in the right hands. I don't deny that she had a difficult decision to make, but her actions following this decision don't support that sort of emotional experience. I never got that loving "motherly" feel from her communications with me. If anything, I felt criticized and judged by her for every choice I have made on my own. She has not put the effort in to get to know who I have become. She has not given me a chance to show or explain where I am and what I have dealt with in my life.

It is for this reason that, today, when we were discussing motherhood, that I cannot honestly say this woman can be considered any part of who I am as a person. My mother who raised me for 18 years and counting did a better job than that chromosomal donor could have ever wished for or done herself. My mother has loved and supported me. She has not criticized my choices, no matter how stupid they may be in hindsight. She does not judge me on my views or opinions. She has supported me emotionally through the toughest time in my life and she always listened to my stories. She gives me a chance to explain my choices and decisions. She lovingly offers advice or criticism when it is needed. She never ever gets angry over my shortcomings or my faults. And most of all, she loves me more than biology could ever dictate.

I cannot say any longer that I want to keep this woman in my life. She has not put the effort into the relationship that I have. I cannot keep putting myself into situations where I wait for days on end for an email response or for a chance to fit into her life. I have given her space to join my life, but I cannot continue to do so. I acknowledged her as a part of who I was for so long, yet I remained hidden in her life. This has been unacceptable for far too long.

My real mother is the one who will love me without fail until the end. This woman cannot expect to be honest and say the same.

Adoption got me here, but my mother has molded me into the beautiful, smart, kind, loving, and understanding individual that I am. I would not consider a mother to be anything less.

Reality

Nothing ever really can go the way we expect it to. Reality is completely off from our dreams. Reality is the only truth though.

We may not always be employed. We may not always have enough time, money, or sleep to live the life we want. We may not always live where we want to, but it is where we are. Reality may not be what we wanted, but it is how we look at and perceive reality that defines our life experience.

Live life. Never go to sleep saying "I wish I would have.." Take every chance you can to experience life to the fullest, because waiting around on something, someone, or someplace, to be what we want it to, is an utter waste of time.

Reality is shoving itself in my face a lot right now. School is becoming stressful with lots of projects. I have family things going on. And, I don't know what to do about someone that I really want to be in my life, yet she doesn't seem to be as desireful about it as I am. I am a little ball of stress without my usual outlet. Part of being a grown up is learning to handle it, and I am. However, it is hard. So bear with me readers, this may get to be a bumpy confusing space for a bit, but it only reflects the stuff going on in my head. :)

Homework Day : October

Sooooooo today is Homework Day of October. It is a day centered around catching up and getting ahead with stuff for school. It is a tedious, long, and boring day. It is awful, hence the break here to blog.

My focus at the moment of the day is rewriting papers. It is awfully long boring work. I would rather just sleep now. I have to finish these things though. It is necessary.

Consequences

Every choice we make in life has a consequence. It can be something as little as choosing not to grab breakfast and failing a test or something as big as forgetting the condom that one time and a new baby is on the way. Thankfully, neither of those choices have been made by me, but the point still stands.

I'm at a decision making point in my life. I either decide to focus my efforts on school and my career, or I can choose to work on my school work and still have some fun sometimes too. I have to decide which people I will spend my time with. I need to decide where my life goes from here.

People in our lives influence our choices a lot depending on the person. However, the ultimate choice is ours. Thus, I feel compelled to say, as much as my ex has influenced me in spending my time with him, I decided one hundred percent to go willingly. I now deal with the consequence, extreme confusion. I am once again at a point with him where I either try to get him back in my life or I try to shoo him away from mine for as long as I can. Usually I twiddle my thumbs for a few days and then decide to move on, but here, I feel the pressures of my decision weighing on me. The choices I am making now, affect the rest of my life. That is frightening.

So, I have put much more thought and effort into my decisions and choices. I analyze the consequences of my choices now before I make a decision. It makes a huge difference when we think about the choices in our life.

Therefore, I am stressed out and frazzled. I cannot focus the same and I am lost in my head from time to time. Figuring this out though, is meaning more to me as an individual than anything else I have ever experienced.

Throwback to my youth

So, last night I posted on my old blog for Chris. Ever since he texted me, I've been dying to just say all those things to him. I wasn't able to sleep last night, and I sat up and talked to a good friend of mine. He asked me why I was so worried about seeing Chris and why it was wrong. I sat there and thought about it. It's not wrong. It's a choice I decide upon and act upon. It is my decision what to say or not to say. It's not a decision up to the people around me ultimately. Ultimately, it's my choice only. It affects my life only. My choice.

After I realized this, I came back in and sat down to write to Chris. He told me yesterday that he still reads my blogs from time to time. It gave me hope that maybe this message will get through. The post was a whole lot of begging and pleading and explaining what I want again. He knows, but I wanted to say the words. However, if I let him see that I still care he can take that knowledge and use it to his advantage. If I keep lying and saying I don't love him, it makes him come back to me somehow. It is so backwards and confusing. I don't know if I should leave the post up... but i'm sick of lying everytime someone asks about him. I love him its stupid and illogical and dumb and nonsensical, but he just matters to me. He is important to me. If people want to say that loving him is wrong, then go ahead. I stand by my choice. I'd rather be honest about how I feel and sound stupid, than lie about it and make everyone else happy.

Sleep!

I slept 12 hours last night. It was absolutely amazing! My tired (not so) little body needed it!

In other news, my tummy has begun to be more rotund then I would like, so I decided I need to get back on the work-out bandwagon. However, every ab exercise I do hurts my abused back in very excruciating ways. I need a way to exercise my tummy without hurting my back any more than it already is. Any ideas?

Lastly, I am so very busy lately that I think I may pass out from sheer mental exhaustion. I'm praying to make it through this week.

The Future

Sometimes, I wish I could see what is coming in my life. I wish I could fast forward 10 years and see where I am and who is around. I want to see where all those people from high school end up. I want to know who stays in love, who falls out of it, and who ends up alone. I want to see what happens in life. I want to know I will make it out of here alive and well and hopefully not alone.

I keep seeing references to weddings around my life lately. It's making me really curious to see how life will end up. I can't really be sure, but I believe that something good is going to happen soon. I have a feeling. Good luck to me!

Exhaustion

In college, the concept of a good nights sleep is as elusive as the yeti. It just isn't found. And, those who claim to have found it, are lying.

So, what are you supposed to do when you hit the exhaustion mode and still have shit to do? I'm not really sure yet.

Personally, I value my relaxation in the middle of the day between classes and stuff. It means I have a crap ton of stuff to do later, but relaxing gives me a boost to get through the day.

It's Monday! Yay for Coffee!

Mondays require coffee in copious amounts. It's the hardest day to wake up, and the most difficult to stay motivated through out. Hence, the coffee requirement.

I may only have an hour of class in the morning, but at 9am, psychology is pretty intense; especially for this night owl.

So, I dragged my little butt down to Klas cafe before class this morning. Walked in, ordered a very delicious caramel machiato with skim milk, please, and lo and behold, the girl behind me ordered the same exact drink. Funny stuff, I'm telling ya! However, I told her I found it funny that she ordered my exact drink and she just kind of looked at me like I was nuts. Apparently, some people take coffee a little too seriously.

I walked to class, giggling to myself. Arrived ten minutes early, took my usual seat, set my coffee down, took out my notebook, sighed, and I was ready for the morning. Watching movie clips about cute baby psychological development with my coffee was great!

Now, this little caffeinated jitterbug is going to be productive. Eh, maybe after the next cup will things actually get done.

New Beginning

For much of my last few years on this earth, I've been using a previous blog as a means of thoughtful introspection. It's time for a new start. So, here is this new beginning!

I have no idea just how great this blog will be, but I'm sure going to try to make it worth my fabulous writing. Ha.

Honestly, I think everyone needs to write somehow. It's the best way to get your thoughts out; you can go back and read it once you've typed like a mad woman. It's good to see complete ideas represented straight from your own mind.

Wish me Luck.