So, last night I posted on my old blog for Chris. Ever since he texted me, I've been dying to just say all those things to him. I wasn't able to sleep last night, and I sat up and talked to a good friend of mine. He asked me why I was so worried about seeing Chris and why it was wrong. I sat there and thought about it. It's not wrong. It's a choice I decide upon and act upon. It is my decision what to say or not to say. It's not a decision up to the people around me ultimately. Ultimately, it's my choice only. It affects my life only. My choice.
After I realized this, I came back in and sat down to write to Chris. He told me yesterday that he still reads my blogs from time to time. It gave me hope that maybe this message will get through. The post was a whole lot of begging and pleading and explaining what I want again. He knows, but I wanted to say the words. However, if I let him see that I still care he can take that knowledge and use it to his advantage. If I keep lying and saying I don't love him, it makes him come back to me somehow. It is so backwards and confusing. I don't know if I should leave the post up... but i'm sick of lying everytime someone asks about him. I love him its stupid and illogical and dumb and nonsensical, but he just matters to me. He is important to me. If people want to say that loving him is wrong, then go ahead. I stand by my choice. I'd rather be honest about how I feel and sound stupid, than lie about it and make everyone else happy.
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