Guilt is Eating Me ALIVE!

I sent an email yesterday with my honest feelings that had been stewing under the surface for a long time now. I was set off by discussing motherhood yesterday. There is so much where she is lacking in this relationship, however, I am not perfect. I never was very clear with my expectations and I never got clued into what she was doing about everything. Basically, there was a really big and awful communication gap.

I should have said something sooner than I did. Instead, I feel guilty for the way I said things and the way I tried to run from it all. It is not her fault, it is mine. My life is so busy, I just wanted to have something under my control. That relationship was floating along on my extreme tendency to talk, email, and try to get things moving where I wanted them. The hesitation and tendency to not initiate on her part had become too frustrating. I was very angered by the emails I received from her. Nothing ever was coming off the way I think it should. It seemed as if she was angry at me for even trying to talk to her at all. So, that is why I suggested ending communication.

Instead, I received a long, painful, angry email back. I really can't explain the anger I felt reading it. I felt so accused, blamed, faulted, judged, criticized, and scolded by her words that I almost stopped reading. Then I read the rest of it. She brought to light a bunch of stuff that I had no ideas about. If I had know she was doing these things, I wouldn't have been upset or frustrated with her at all.

Then, I felt guilty. I felt guilty for my words and my anger. I felt angry and I still do, but I feel like I cannot justifiably be angry at her, yet I am for the faults in her communication. Then I just feel more guilt.

We are going to sit down and talk it out, but I lose my ability to express my feelings face to face. She terrifies me more than any phobia(yes, even more than puppets and marionettes as hard as that is to believe!). It is for this reason that I am still angry, guilty, and scared out of my mind about this whole situation.

If I had shut my mouth it would have been just fine. However, if she really wants to know me, then know this, if I have an opinion, an idea, any problem at all, I speak up. I have to talk things out. That is how I was raised, how I am comfortable now, and how I want to stay.