I have some awesome friends. I love the life I have built here.
The reason my life is so good is the absence of a significant other. I am focusing on friends. I am building more lasting relationships. I have prospects, but I move at the emotional and relationship pace of a turtle on weed. I am slow moving. I have to be more than sure and more than comfortable to let someone that far into my personal life.
I have been so injured, hurt, dragged along, abused emotionally, and tearful over the last year and a half. The prospect of that ever happening again is so utterly terrifying that I refuse to acknowledge that any significant other can be worth that much pain. Therefore, I do not just try things easily. I am slow moving. I need to really feel it. I need communication and romancing. I need someone who will be patient with my problems. I need someone who knows not to ask about my last without being fully ready for me to break down. Even then, I will refuse to tell you anything more than what I deem OK to share.
Someone important told me that I have put up walls around myself. This is not true. I have let my walls down and confronted the me I really am. I am real, so much so that sometimes I do hurt. I have set obstacles and fail safes to avoid that kind of pain again. These are not walls. They are my rent-a-cops keeping me safe.
I have no ability to be patient, yet I ask patience of the man who wishes to be with me. I ask trust and communication. I ask above all else, honesty. No lies.
I cannot hold a hand without instinctively rubbing the thumb of that hand as if it were Chris again. I cannot lay my head on someones shoulder without expecting Chris's smell. I cannot hug or kiss or cuddle without imagining and automatically remembering and comparing it to My Chris. I have not let myself feel anything for so long when it comes to anyone but him. It will be a long road. I have just finished rebounding. Now I am confronting and someday, I will come to real acceptance and then I will be comfortable. Hence, patience and trust.
No more tears over him, but I can cry when I need to. I am OK with that finally. Wish me luck with this journey I am on.
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