"Real" Mother

Today in my social problems class, we were talking about things that we consider to be part of our identity. Someone mentioned that they are a mother. This spun out into an almost hour long discussion on the concept of mothers and motherhood.

The term "Real" mother got brought up in reference to the woman who gave birth to the child. This drove me nuts the rest of the hour. It is not the correct term for this person. Birth mother, biological mother, or even socially normal mother would have fit better than "real" mother.

I am adopted. For a long time, this was the first thing I would list when someone told me to tell about myself. Recently, however, I have changed my outlook. The woman who birthed me, birthed me out of a teenage mistake. I firmly believe that she is nowhere near my "real" mother. She is simply a source of half of my chromosomal make up. Honestly, I think I was put into the wrong woman's womb because my REAL mother is who I truly consider my mother, and my family.

This woman that carried me for 9 months did so out of denial first, then only having to deal with me as an "oops". I ended up in the right hands. I don't deny that she had a difficult decision to make, but her actions following this decision don't support that sort of emotional experience. I never got that loving "motherly" feel from her communications with me. If anything, I felt criticized and judged by her for every choice I have made on my own. She has not put the effort in to get to know who I have become. She has not given me a chance to show or explain where I am and what I have dealt with in my life.

It is for this reason that, today, when we were discussing motherhood, that I cannot honestly say this woman can be considered any part of who I am as a person. My mother who raised me for 18 years and counting did a better job than that chromosomal donor could have ever wished for or done herself. My mother has loved and supported me. She has not criticized my choices, no matter how stupid they may be in hindsight. She does not judge me on my views or opinions. She has supported me emotionally through the toughest time in my life and she always listened to my stories. She gives me a chance to explain my choices and decisions. She lovingly offers advice or criticism when it is needed. She never ever gets angry over my shortcomings or my faults. And most of all, she loves me more than biology could ever dictate.

I cannot say any longer that I want to keep this woman in my life. She has not put the effort into the relationship that I have. I cannot keep putting myself into situations where I wait for days on end for an email response or for a chance to fit into her life. I have given her space to join my life, but I cannot continue to do so. I acknowledged her as a part of who I was for so long, yet I remained hidden in her life. This has been unacceptable for far too long.

My real mother is the one who will love me without fail until the end. This woman cannot expect to be honest and say the same.

Adoption got me here, but my mother has molded me into the beautiful, smart, kind, loving, and understanding individual that I am. I would not consider a mother to be anything less.