cameron

Cameron came to visit me and is currently passed out on my roommates bed.

When I say he visited, we all know what that means. Its been a good arrangement since Chris and I broke up.

However, I want my Chris back again. Cameron was telling me about his love of his life Emily and how she just comes and goes in his life. He was telling me how every time he sees her, he still wants to marry her. This made me remember Chris. Cameron and I had just been busy with ourselves earlier, but now we were both walking into emotional territory. That is not part of the arrangement.

On top of that, he tells me he saw Chris and his buddy Shaun at McDonald's the other day. Chris and Shaun were super high. Chris saw cam. Something got said about Hannah's and Shaun asked if he was talking about Chris's old Hannah ( aka me) and Chris replied, "not my old Hannah, his." In reference to Cameron.

Why would he say it like that if he was not contemptuous about it? Why would he say that if there was not some lingering jealousy? Just why?

Now, instead of basking in my evening's entertainment, I am consumed by this idea and this feeling. I don't do emotion with people because of this. I am confused again.

I hear more stories of the things Chris says ans does and it adds to my confusion more and more. I know he is bad news. I know he has a girlfriend. I know he has work and school. I know about his extra business dealings. I know it all, but my little heart in all its broken pieces jumps to life again whenever I hear about him. Logic fails in these moments of weakness and sometimes, just sometimes, I wish I could just drive to him and pretend everything was just like a fairy tale ending.

But then I remember, it's Chris. These few small glimpses at the man I loved are only glimpses. He is someone else now. He is not the boy I lost my virginity to. He is not the boy I planned my life out with. He is not the man I intended to raise children with. He is not the man I devoted my heart to. He is not the man that I let so far into myself that I lost who I was. He is not that man anymore. He hurts me and never has given the new us a chance. He is only a memory from the past. Nothing more sadly. Love does not conquer all. Fairy tales lie.

So, here I sit pondering my life questions as the man I use sleeps, as the man I love is loved by someone else, as the emotions I have put away because I have filed them where they go are flying out of their places and making my cod brain so confused.

Sleepless nights and dead days are the way I live right now. Confronting these things is hard. Every time I file something away it flies in my face again and changes the way I see everything else.