By The Way

2011 is finished at the end of today. It's hard to believe a year has flown by so fast. This year has been so much change and hustle and bustle. I'm almost excited for the mundane everyday life to set back in.

For this new years, I decided to do 11 truths for 2011.

11. Hamline university is the most amazing school ever. In my opinion of course. Besides offering fantastic academics and amazing people, it has become my home. Because for once, I belong.

10. I am who I am. No stupid social stigma or peer pressure will ever change that again. This year I learned who I am and although the process was long and painful sometimes, I'm aware of myself better than ever before.

9. Honesty I the best policy. Whether it's with friends, relationships, or just yourself, being honest about what you think and feel and believe makes life much more enjoyable. There is no reason to lie.

8. Love isn't simple. Part of love is being confused out of your mind because your heart is too busy being in love. Pain is part of love and so is happiness. The biggest thing to remember here is this; love changes us no matter who or how we love.

7. Time always seems slow, but it flies by too fast. This year seemed to drag on forever, but looking back there is so much that was so quick I didn't even realize what I missed.

6. Personal accomplishments are personal. I finished high school alive. I got into college. I moved away from home. I am OK. So many of those things seem inconsequential to most people, but for me, I worked harder than I imagined I could to make it this far. My personal accomplishments are personal.

5. People are individuals. Despite what we want, people are free to make their own decisions and live their lives the way they want to. We cannot change them, only our perceptions of them may change.

4. Wishes sometimes come true not exactly as we planned. This last year, I wished hard for someone to be in my life again. I got my wish granted, but it was an empty fulfillment. He was back, but nit where or how I wanted. Be careful what you wish for.

3. Dreams make goals for the future. We dream to process and understand our subconscious. The things we dream of are the wants our brain isn't always capable of saying.

2. Will power grows on itself. When we do something that takes a lot of will, accomplishing it makes us more confident and stronger willed than before.

1. Pain is not a sensation, it is a perception of a sensation. Pain can be mental, physical, and emotional. Pain is relative to the individual. It is not a pain tolerance, it is an ability to recognize a sensation and not perceive it of hurt. The things that hurt us emotionally and mentally can be avoided or they can be confronted and we realize it is only a temporary sensation.

These 11 truths are the essence of what I've learned and experienced this year. Some of it was pretty damn awful, but pain is conquerable. I did it. I made it through 2011 and 2012 is going to be a year to be remembered fondly :-)

Pain

Tonight, I sit awake shaking and crying and so anxious it hurts. I am so alone right now. I am so in need of a real date with a nice guy who's got it all together. I miss chris in times like this because all I really want at this moment is to just call him and hear his voice say it's ok. I miss having him to always go to to run away from problems. Being a grown up and handling everything yourself sucks sometimes.

But I am a grown up. I am mature enough to realize I will make it through this. The pain will subside. I will be back home soon. I have stuff to focus on until then. I can be ok. I don't really need anyone. I know the difference between wants and needs. I don't need chris to make me feel better. I can play games to distract from the panic. I can do relaxing breathing to help calm my body and mind. I can start reading for school. I can making collages for my friends. I can work on my own novel some more. I can focus on other things and be productive despite the panic. I don't know how always, but I know I sure as hell can do it.

A Thousand Years

I love this song by Christina Perri. It is so beautiful and inspiring to wait for the love of your life. Forget that it is in the new twilight movie and it's great. It's on repeat right now. :)

This christmas was great. I saw family. I got some presents. I ate good food. I felt the love in my life.

There is however, something missing this christmas. I know this is cheesy, but I miss having someone special to kiss under the mistletoe. I miss having that one special person to find the perfect gift for. It feels like a part of christmas just isn't complete.

Most of the time I'm perfectly alright being alone. I normally don't feel the need to have someone in my life. I'm busy and happy on my own I don't need someone to complicate things. Yet, at 3:15 am I feel it is ok to say I feel a little lonely and that I may miss that special someone who never has to worry about cuddling with me. I just wish sometimes for a little bit I wouldn't be totally unlovable.

Merry christmas and happy holidays.

Dreaming Dreaming Dreaming

I love when I have time to sleep long periods at a time. I have the most interestingly vivid dreams when I have the time to have them. I imagine new adventures and places to see and I dream of the friends and people that truly matter in my life now.

I love my dreams more often than not. However, I had a dream that I was literally scared to death by a haunted house zombie attack. I know it may seem silly, but the dream was so real I could feel their dead breathe down my neck and I could smell the rotten flesh. The dream scared me so bad that not only did I pass out in my dream, but I didn't dream the rest of the night. I think it scared me to the point of unconsciousness even while I was sleeping.

My point with all this is that my nervous are so sensitive and raw lately, that it seems like the smallest things send me into an anxious moment where I'm trying to hold myself together by pressing my arms hard against my chest to give some sort of calm to my nervous system.

Being home is not relaxing other that the massive amounts of sleep I get. Family stresses me out. It takes a real mental and emotional toll on me to be home. I love my family, but this place just doesn't feel like my home anymore.

Found an Old Poem...

untitled:
Hannah Meyers

back in my closet
in a box full of ash
is a smaller box
full of my past

containing "vintage"
promises and forevers
old pictures of him
from when we were together

i littered the notes
with tear drops like rain
refeeling every word
with a whole lot of pain

i found a certain picture
and a special note
the picture was us smiling
and this is what he wrote

"love your boyfriend today,
husband in the future, and
lover forever"

now none of that is true
because we're not together
it's lies through and through
husband? never.

the pain is intense
but only from absence
i haven't been so aware
of your not presence

time heals all
or so it's been said
i disagree.
because it's all in my head

nothing shall fade
with any time past
because i promised
and true love lasts

Home and Anxious

Being at home is great to see my family and I love the feeling of being in my house. However, being home makes me see just how lonely I am sometimes. Here, no one is awake at 2 to talk to me or just keep me company. I miss my friends at school so much.

Also, being home makes me have all these old memories of my high school years and being so close to Blaine makes me literally want to run back to my dorm and be safely away from there.

I don't know what to do with myself here and I have so little control over anything it's causing all this anxiety. It's making me sleepy all the time because that's one of the things I have control over... it's annoying.

Just thought I should update again. Happy holidays...

snow falling

As the snow falls outside my window I want so badly to have someone who I feel comfortable cuddling up with and being just together. I want a someone to kiss in the snow and under the mistletoe. However, I know I don't need someone, but it doesn't make me any less lonely.

I wish I had someone to fall asleep talking to on the phone or in person and the same person to say good morning to everyday. I desperately miss the constancy of a relationship.

The snow will continue to fall and I know I may not have a someone who is good enough for me for awhile still, and that's ok. I'm not going to give up.

a little nostalgia

When I go back to andover, I always have this unspoken anxiety about who or what might happen. I wish so bad before I go home that things were different and nothing bad had ever happened. I wish that my life had included long standing friends back home. I missed out on a lot because of the way the depression debilitated me. I missed out on friendships and I missed out on love because this disorder caused so much pain in my everyday life.

I don't usually talk about last year. I don't usually talk about having depression. I avoid saying anything about this huge part of who I came to be. Depression ruled my life when it got bad. It still comes in waves. I have just put myself in a better place here at school. I have learned to handle the crippling sadness and the loss of desire to eat or move even. I know when it is coming and I fight it as hard as I can now.

However, the depression is not the only problem I have in my life. I have really bad anxiety and I have OCD. I have panic attacks and large social situations outside of my group of friends sends me into a mental frenzy. People being in my personal space and making an intimate connection with me literally will cause my heart to race my whole body to shiver and yet I'm burning up. Tests cause a need to wrap myself into a ball of blankets as tight as I can to help calm my nervous system.

The anxiety has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. It has affected the friends I've made and the activities I do. Anxiety rules my habits. I bite my lip since I was little and its crooked now when I smile. I have cleaning sprees when I get stressed. I have a thing for organization. I hate feet touching my feet. I don't like people sharing my clothes or my shoes. I am so loud and crazy with my friends, but in large groups or with anxious situations, I am practically silent and my voice hides from my opinions. The first day of school sends me into a terror for days beforehand. I startle easily. I can go on about all the ways I affects my life, but I will stop here.

As I said above, I can handle the depression. I know how to effectively distract and utilize the sadness to make myself ok. However, the anxiety is slowly taking over and I feel out of controll which bothers me. I have to live my life so carefully to avoid causing any trigger of the panic. It limits my life here in college. It limits my ability to form relationships. It is difficult to manage everything with the anxiety. I am on medicine to help to give me back control, but this drugged feeling is almost more troubling than the anxiety itself. Not to mention that it has strange side effects.

I want a more permanent solution. I want to know why and where this anxiety came from. I want to know what I can do to make it go away. I want to find a permanent place where I can stand in my life and say I am comfortable with how I feel way deep inside. I want the satisfaction and comfort of being in control of this part of me.

I want to rid myself of this so I can truly be open to new experiences here in school. I want to be able to breathe everyday as easily as the day before. I want the ability to be comfortably open to falling in love anew. I want to make new connections that don't scare the living breath out of me.

For these reasons, I went on a quest to figure out why and how and what. I start therapy soon. I stay on the meds because it does help a little bit. I am working on thinking about why things are so scary to me. I'm working at this thing to take back the control. I refuse to let this disorder take over.

christmas cheer!

I broke into my piggy bank and took the money and went out with my friends to see a christmas carol at comedy sportz. It was absolutely hilarious! I had such a blast! Being together and laughing and just having fun made me so happy to know these people are my friends.

I also realized just how many people are suffering out in the snow this holiday season. I wished I could only do more, but then I realized I am doing what I can in my life.

Always Dreaming

I am always dreaming of tomorrow. I am always wishing for things to be what they aren't now. I always want to move forward. I never stop and look at where I am. I am always pushing forward to the next thought. My writing is messy because I think faster than I can write. My school things are always stressful because I look at what is coming. My conversations generalld have no filter because I am always just speaking and moving to the next thought.

Last night, I laid down and I was going to think about a boy and as I tried to consider my past with Chris, I realized I pushed away the past so much. I realized I was running from what I was. I am always me. No evil past can change that. As I sat expecting to cry over Chris, I just realized it wasn't worth it. I don't need to lament over yesterdays and the distant past. I don't need to analyze what he is doing in my life. I don't really need him at all. He wouldn't be able to handle the mature me for very long anyways. He's too immature for who I am now, inside and out.

No more running from my past. I am not jumping to the future either. I am going to stand where I am and just spin in circles and smile as the snow falls around me. I am here and that is all I can control and worry about at the moment.

Nothing really to say in the time I have...

I've been so busy these last few days and I will be continually busy for the rest of the week. I'm free for the holidays as of the 17th. Until then, survival mode to the extreme. Breathe... I can do this!

wishing isn't always good for you

For a very long time, I wished for the same thing. I wanted someone and something specific. Then, I started wishing just for anything about this person. Then, I gave up on wishing because I was done with that wish. Now, it is granted. Now I got a little piece of the wish I made every night on every star and every 11:11 and every lucky penny in my life. I wished so hard and when I give up because my wish was a bad wish, it comes true.

Wishing can push you to your greatest moments or your weakest of falls. Being on top of the world wishing for life to stay this way is good. Yet, laying on the ground or the hood of a '97 Buick le sabre for a year is not. Part of learning to live life and be happy with everything is to accept life as it is and not try to change things that you can't.

I love this prayer right now. It is everything in a nutshell.
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

This is something I cannot change. I accept that with peace. I have courage to stay strong and be myself in this situation. The me I know here, and not the me I wish I could have changed. I know the difference here. I can do this. I can be an adult and be friendly and stay strong in my happiness, my friendships, my life here, and most of all in myself.

Just a Rough Night

I can't explain why tonight is just so hard, but it is. It's so painful to just be awake for today. I want to just curl up under the covers and not move all week. I don't want to do homework or write papers or work on anything. Just sleep in it's blissful quiet unconscious state is all that my brain is able to think.

I have been so slow and sleepy. Silence is the predominant thing coming from me at the moment. I left my friends tonight to just sit and listen to music and write this blog. I needed distance and clarity. So, BLOG speak to me. Tell me where to go from here. Give me a semblance of an idea of what is going on in my head. Give me a place to rest my conscious and to clarify my underlying issues. Give me space from the mind to discover myself. Where oh where is my poor unfortunate brain?

Alas, I find myself sitting in a toasty lounge in comfy pants and sorting thoughts out in a text box on the trusty practically dead laptop... oh hurry lol

Chris has been absent all week for once which is great. However, I have come to the moment in this grieving process where I decided I need to control the situation. So, first I yelled. Then, I forgot about it. Now, I want to be friends on facebook because I seriously have masochistic tendencies when it comes to Chris. Also, I just want the ability to have the friend status symbolically to represent the change we have gone through and to show that we really are living our own lives finally. I so desperately want him to come to this amazing place where I am living. I want him to observe my life and for him to see the friends I made and the progress I've made in life. I want to rub his face in it and scream "I made it without you. I am strong and happy. I don't need you. I love the world I'm in. I am all on my own. I am doing well. I have no pain constantly making me nauseous and panicked. I don't cry to sleep every night. I don't hold on to your pictures like I have the secret to the universe in my hands anymore. I may still cuddle with that old dog you gave me, but that is out of comfort and familiarity and the simple fact that I have yet to burn those final pieces remaining. I can't bring myself to sever the connection to the past totally yet. I will when I go home for thanksgiving. I plan on privately burning your old things. I even plan on deleting the pictures from my hidden files and the places where I've placed your pictures everywhere so I could never lose them all, but I am making them all go away. I regret having to cut the whole of my life with you out of my past memorabilia, but I feel there is no other way to finally be free from your painful existence in this world. And worst of all... you work at caribou. My favorite coffee chain and you had to go infect that too. Shame on you. To make the worst even worse, you work at the caribou closest to my college. really? wow." So, besides that long rant at Chris, I have no more to say to or about him. Go away dumb boy.

As my laptop battery ticks down and my bladder screams to go pee asap I speedily analyze the rest of my thoughts...

My roommate issue has driven me more mad than I could have thought possible. She is inconsiderate and rude and just plain uncompromising. Ugh! She has not slept in the room for all week. Wow, avoid the problem much? Silly immature Olivia. I just need a place to lay my head at night where I am comfortable and able to relax without worrying about being judged, avoided, ignored, cluttered and uncomforted. I want a place to really call home. I need to feel at home and I don't. If I can get this thing solved soon enough then I will be better equipped to handle the other issues in my life.

And, my "best friend" Mak has abandoned my cause it seems. She has found a new person to be crazy stupid with. I matured more than she has it would seem. College is pushing me towards life with a sense of purpose. She is still rebelling and trying to find a way to handle the depression in her life. Drinking and drugs will not solve your problems. They become problems in and of themselves. They let you avoid the confrontation with the root of your problems. Also, not going to counseling is bad, bad, BAD! Medication cannot save you on it's own. You need to allow it to do it's job and by smoking weed you further upset the chemical imbalance in your brain. Bad idea darling. I will be here for you because I know I wish I had that friend back then, but really... I see the pain of my place right now. i understand why my friends left me. I don't want to do that to you, but I can only take so much abuse and neglect.

I miss my mother a lot in all of this. I miss coming home at night and talking about my day. Grant it, I do talk to her when I call, but it isn't the same sense of unwinding of my day and problems that I had at home. So, Mommy, I miss you.

And my dad's sense of humor and just care that he has towards me always chokes me up that little bit. The man loves me more fiercely than any other human being on this earth. I love my daddy and not having him here to laugh and joke with is hard.

Nothing else is bothering me really. I'm tired of being asked to go out to the club and to parties because it's something that I generally don't enjoy, but I am O.K. with saying no and staying here, however, I need the roommate issue solved so when everyone is gone and I have time alone I can be productive in my room again. Stressful I tell you, stressful!

I am excited to talk to my doctor on Monday and see if there is something we can do to help me. I hope something exists to help my anxiety besides going back on anti-depressants again.

That is all for my long post this evening. Good night world!

I see you.

Mika : I See You
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NkZJ1I1NBJs

This song is amazing. Kirsten listens to his music all the time and recently this song captured my attention. The instrumental is beautiful and the words are so powerful.

If only I could see the end to the anxiety and the stress I feel right now...

A catch up on life stuff...

Things with my roommate have escalated to a point where neither of us is really comfortable in the same room. I cannot do homework in my room due to the clutter and mess on her desk and her "side" of the room. I literally have had to do homework elsewhere cause it's that bad. My OCD and the anxiety are so bad right now. I am having a very hard time just making it through the process of taking care of everything. On top of that, registration is tomorrow morning at 7am.

Panic attacks here are not an option. This school is my happy place. Anxiety and stress will happen, but I think there is more of an underlying cause for the incredible amount of anxiety that I have. I've reverted into some of my old habits and new ones as well just to cope with the anxious and depressed feelings I am starting to get again. I bite my lip incesantly and I started chewing my hangnails like crazy. I can't fall asleep at night without the T.V. on and clutching tightly to a stuffed animal for comfort. I have too much on my mind. I literally cannot speak straight sometimes. I have picked up a stammer from the processing in my brain right now. The roommate situation has me so hopeless, I cried here on Monday for the first time in a long time. Since then, sleep is sometimes very tearful.

I should feel comfortable with my roommate. I should feel comfortable in my own room. Comfortable at least enough to be able to do homework without getting off task by the amount of things around me and on my mind. When my heartrate increases whenever I walk in my room or see my roommate that is not O.K. Something needs to change. If only the process wasn't so difficult and the dorms not so full.

Nothing But Putting My Life Into Perspective

This week has been a very perspective gaining week. From Monday learning that I was not really over things to learning how to really make a conscious effort to be on my own on Friday and now to today. I am asserting myself to Olivia. I'm making an effort to talk to her about the room and how I live here 24/7 even when she is not. I demand a little more space than what I have.

I'm a strong person on my own. I finally realized the place I had been trapping myself in. I wasn't allowing myself to move on and be free from my past. I wasn't letting my walls down to shine as the true me. I have been in a roundabout for far too long. It's time to drive on.

I am on a fast track to graduating college. I'm getting where I want to as fast as I can. And I LOVE THIS LIFE! :)

Easy does it...

Space, Singularity, Individualism, Patience, Independence, and Time. I have had so much of some and none of others for the past year in my life. I turn 19 in a few months, and with that birthday, I intend to resurrect the faith in myself and the belief that what I have to say matters. I can stand on my own. I do not need a man as a crutch.

hey! what you staring at?

I am genetically endowed with a nice round backside. I am proud of my butt. In fact, I often am the first to make a joke and to point attention to my hindquarters. However, when people stare without invitation, I find that rude and disrespectful. Not only is it objectifying, but it makes me feel self conscious. Lesson here, don't stare unless I joke about it and make it allowed.

Second order of business: when I wear sweats do not judge. They are the worlds most comfortable and cuddly invention for clothing. I enjoy being warm and comfortable. And above all else, they make me feel completely comfortable in my own skin. I am me in personality and I attract people with that alone when I'm in my sweats. Dressing up is great, but I like being me inside and out.

Do not stare at me or wonder why I make the choices I do. I am an individual who has the personal right to act, speak, and believe as I do. I decide my path in life. I decide who comes with me. I am in charge of myself and no one else. Do not judge.

Production Stand Still

For the last few days I have been more than productive. I finished three papers, a large major minor project, and have been studying for my psychology exam tomorrow. However, I sat down today and just lost all drive to do anything. My brain was just wiped out.

This is a big problem. I have a 12 page research paper coming up at the end of the month, a large quantity of blogs to write for social problems, and still more RPQ's and reading to do for Brit Lit.

UGH!

A Long Individual Healing Process

I lost someone last year who I believed was the love of my life. I was wrong.

I had not really become angry at Chris until Sunday evening. I had been so blind to the actions I was taking in reference to the words I was speaking.

I believed with every last hope that Chris was just going to come back. That is the simplest reason that I went to him at his every beck and call.

As I finally gained enough courage to invite him formally into my life here, he said maybe in such a nonchalant tone that I knew it was a lie. At that moment, I realized I was really being toyed with and used. Finally the anger hit.

I was angry at him for all that he had used me for: emotionally, physically, and mentally. I was mad at myself for being so stupid and blinded by this dumb boy. I was incredibly angry for my inability to see what was happening. I was furious that he would do that to me after all that I have faced in my life.

However, I am stronger. I will not let the anger rule my life. I am putting him out of sight and out of mind. His blog is gone. His pictures are either torn in the trash or awaiting a lighter. His memory is forever tainted by the way he used me for the last year.

I am mad at the way I acted. I take so much pride in my maturity in reference to my peers. I feel like such a dumb teenage girl here that I want to hide in shame. Part of this acceptance of my failings here is walking with my head high and showing that although I made a mistake, it did not ruin who I am inside.

I also hurt someone who mattered a lot to me. Rich is a fantastic guy. I was careless and unkind to his emotions. I did not consider the emotional and mental stake he had in me. I hurt him and for this I am incredibly angry at myself. I have such a tendency to ruin relationships with people because I push my limits and go until everything is too late. I don't know what else to say to him besides I'm sorry. You may not be the prince charming that Chris appeared to be, but you are such a gentleman and a true valiant knight underneath it all.

I claimed that I was healed before. I am never really healed. I am always growing new tissue and building new muscle on top of old. I have realized my stupidity in this situation and for that I deserve some respect and maybe a little forgiveness. I am a human being with faults. But, here I realized that sadness, denial, anger, and then acceptance really is how you heal.

Busy yet Bored. Is this life?

Everyone always says life gets boring after college. You start to settle down and forsake adventure for security and comfort. Why? Just because there may be a few more years on you doesn't mean you should forget how to have a spark and fun in your life. I cannot ever imagine living life without the adventures and ups and downs it has now. I would be so bored without the fluidity in my life right now!

The reason I pose this question is because I have been so terribly busy lately, but I am bored. I do the same thing every week. Classes, friends, eat, sleep. We never go off campus on the adventures in the cities that we keep saying we're going to do. I sit and do homework for 4 hours and we talk about what's good on TV. I'm bored.

Most people would say "join an activity" or "get involved" but doing that would make my grades drop. I have two B+ another B and an A-. That doesn't happen without total dedication of my brain power to the classes I'm taking. Grades mean too much to me to risk joining something and having them drop.

So I guess I shall be bored for awhile, but I know it is paying off somehow.

emotion motivates

In psychology we discussed how emotions are huge motivating factors.

Joy : things which are good for our survival
Things that make us happy motivate us to do them due to the motivation for survival.

Sad : things which are bad for your survival
Things that make us sad are negative factors that influence us to not make that choice again because it is not beneficial for our survival.

These two emotions are so contradictory in reference to one person in my life. He used to make me happier than I have ever been, but he has also hurt me more than anyone else. The question here is why do I make the conscious decision to go see him, when I know it will hurt me later? The answer is psychological.

Fear : things which are bad for your survival
things that cause us to feel afraid are not helpful for our survival. The dark is so scary because our body is not equipped for life in the dark. Fear causes an activated behavioral response which in this case is to flee.

Anger : things which are bad for your survival
Things that cause us to feel anger evoke a different response. Here, we tend to want to fight.

In these emotions, it is fight or flight. I am afraid of being hurt by Chris again. I am afraid of going to that scary dark place where my head floats without a consciousness. However, I am so angry at him that I stay and try to fight. I try to push him to do the things I want. I try to persuade him to come try and see me in the light. I try to fight to save him because I don't want to be sad again if he is really gone.

Psychologically, there are so many emotions that cause a contradictory response and activation to fight or flight response. However, these emotions will never lead us to always make the correct response, but it is the "correct" response to these emotions.

I stood my ground and told him yesterday that I hate being used by him for his wants. I hate the way I cannot say no to him. He has treated me so badly and it is not OK. He does not deserve my energy, companionship, and my physical body. He does not have any claim to any of that anymore. I have to accept these facts : he is not coming back, he is not in love with me, and most of all he is using my emotions to get what he wants. Accepting the facts that I cannot change these things will allow me to consciously work towards avoidance and eventually the ability to say no in every encounter with him. Acceptance is not a psychological piece to this puzzle, but it is the most logical and the most beneficial to my individual emotional survival.

one more day

"One more day
One more time
One more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again
I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you"
-One More Day by Diamond Rio

I had one of these days last night with Chris. He was the boy I fell in love with and now is a memory. However, I have been wishing for him to be back to normal for just one night and last night I had this chance.

He and his girlfriend broke up. We cuddled and talked and laughed like old times. He reminisced with me. We smiled at each other. I saw the look in his eyes that made me fall in love in the first place. I saw the feelings he denies in his eyes. I heard his heartbeat again. I had forgotten how amazing it sounds.

Yet, this one more day has left me wishing for more. It has left me spinning in circles trying to figure out the reasons he called me up last night. I have been confused on if it was just an amazing moment in time or if he found more in it.

I have a life and I am happy where I am. I am solid in who I am. If anything ever did happen, I would be so happy to have him with me again. However, I am not going to get into things the way we were before. I would love to have him around again. I love him to death. But, I respect his individual life and I have my own individual life. We have both grown over the last year. I want to get to know him again. I want to spend time with him, but I do not want our two lives to become one again. It is not practical and I love where I am.

I wish he would agree to coffee and maybe see that things can be good. I know he saw it last night. I did too. But, if he does not come halfway, I am not going to sit here waiting for him for as long as I did before. I have life to live. Come along for the ride, or watch me go. I will wait a little while for you now, but do not let me slip away if that's what you want.

maybe i can

I think this week is Karma just getting back at me. Stuff just doesn't seem to go right and it's really difficult.

However, I have talked to Rich about the things holding me back and just things that are on my mind. For the first time in a long time, I felt comfortable talking about the personal things I've tried so hard to ignore and avoid. I never realized how truly amazing it is to be honest with myself about my fears and my wants. I never would have come to this honesty without Rich to talk to. I only hope he knows how much I appreciate him.

Yet, I am not ready to cuddle or hold hands. I'm not ready to kiss yet. I am not at a point where I am comfortable being really intimate with someone again. The last man I let in hurt me. I have to be careful. I have told him this. I am not leading him anywhere yet. I need to just take things slow. Talking with him like this is so hard as it is.

For the first time since Chris has been gone, I looked at another man and did not instantly think of and see Chris. I am scared but I know it is a good fear. It is fear of the new but it is not scary, it is just different. I will always have those feelings in that time for Chris, but I can allow myself to see other men. I can allow feelings to exist again. I am terrified and I can't help but tear up because of the fear. I feel that familiar pressure of the anxiety attacks again. I am on the verge of panic but I can be strong. I can do this.

Also, Chris wanted to see me last night or sometime this week. I said no. To say no to him when he wanted to see me nearly killed me. But to my surprise, me saying no to him did not end the conversation. It was not the end of the communication. Saying no didn't mean I had to forget about him. Saying no did not mean he would forget about me. Saying no didn't end the past. Saying no did not end his desire to just see me. It did not finish the story. It merely put a chapter break in. It split the volumes finally.

I can let myself see other guys as something potential. I can acknowledge Chris as a sort of friend. I can go on after saying no. It did not kill me. It may have made me cry, but only a cleansing. I can say no.

A Therapist?

I hated the therapist I had before I went off to school. She never really seemed to help me very much. Partly, I did not give her much to work with, and partly, she seemed a little nutty herself.

However, I have been thinking recently that a therapist here at school, as in a school counselor, might be of some help.

I don't feel like I'm drowning or that I can't handle everything, because I can without any problems. I just don't have a friend or person where I can really talk honestly because even here, my parents and friends read and I have things that I feel should not be shared publicly but still need to be voiced none-the-less.

I know I have character flaws and personal faults, but I don't know how to come to terms with my faults and flaws in the daylight and with the people around me. I've been so emotionally distant for so long that I feel as if I am always watching the lives of my friends instead of participating myself.

This distance is fine if I want to stay distant, but I believe that after a good long year of being separate and lonely, I can deserve to be a part of things with my walls truly down. (Yes, I am acknowledging that I have walls. Quit saying I told you so Katie! :P)

A little self honesty helps and hopefully seeing someone to talk to will help too.

Stressing out and not sure how to handle it.

For a long while now, I have been emotionally and socially distant. I gravitate towards a friend or two and that's about it. I'm scared to have friends again because of the pain I've suffered from the last batch.

cameron

Cameron came to visit me and is currently passed out on my roommates bed.

When I say he visited, we all know what that means. Its been a good arrangement since Chris and I broke up.

However, I want my Chris back again. Cameron was telling me about his love of his life Emily and how she just comes and goes in his life. He was telling me how every time he sees her, he still wants to marry her. This made me remember Chris. Cameron and I had just been busy with ourselves earlier, but now we were both walking into emotional territory. That is not part of the arrangement.

On top of that, he tells me he saw Chris and his buddy Shaun at McDonald's the other day. Chris and Shaun were super high. Chris saw cam. Something got said about Hannah's and Shaun asked if he was talking about Chris's old Hannah ( aka me) and Chris replied, "not my old Hannah, his." In reference to Cameron.

Why would he say it like that if he was not contemptuous about it? Why would he say that if there was not some lingering jealousy? Just why?

Now, instead of basking in my evening's entertainment, I am consumed by this idea and this feeling. I don't do emotion with people because of this. I am confused again.

I hear more stories of the things Chris says ans does and it adds to my confusion more and more. I know he is bad news. I know he has a girlfriend. I know he has work and school. I know about his extra business dealings. I know it all, but my little heart in all its broken pieces jumps to life again whenever I hear about him. Logic fails in these moments of weakness and sometimes, just sometimes, I wish I could just drive to him and pretend everything was just like a fairy tale ending.

But then I remember, it's Chris. These few small glimpses at the man I loved are only glimpses. He is someone else now. He is not the boy I lost my virginity to. He is not the boy I planned my life out with. He is not the man I intended to raise children with. He is not the man I devoted my heart to. He is not the man that I let so far into myself that I lost who I was. He is not that man anymore. He hurts me and never has given the new us a chance. He is only a memory from the past. Nothing more sadly. Love does not conquer all. Fairy tales lie.

So, here I sit pondering my life questions as the man I use sleeps, as the man I love is loved by someone else, as the emotions I have put away because I have filed them where they go are flying out of their places and making my cod brain so confused.

Sleepless nights and dead days are the way I live right now. Confronting these things is hard. Every time I file something away it flies in my face again and changes the way I see everything else.

my blog best friend

How sad is it that instead of wanting to text someone or call someone when I have a problem or issue, I blog it instead? Do I really need this form of anonimity? Is this really how I am handling things? Its obviously working, I mean I'm not crying or freaking out. I am content to talk things out this way. I am content to write my day out and my hopes and dreams. I am ok with describing the things I experience to here instead of a person. It works for me.

So, tonight, I am riding back from a pizza dinner with my friends listening to the radio. The scenery is just passing by and for a fleeting moment I was so happy to just be riding along in life. I have no controp over where I go at this moment and I enjoy not worrying about things for such a small moment. :)

late night horror and a little bit of some heart to hearts

I have some awesome friends. I love the life I have built here.

The reason my life is so good is the absence of a significant other. I am focusing on friends. I am building more lasting relationships. I have prospects, but I move at the emotional and relationship pace of a turtle on weed. I am slow moving. I have to be more than sure and more than comfortable to let someone that far into my personal life.

I have been so injured, hurt, dragged along, abused emotionally, and tearful over the last year and a half. The prospect of that ever happening again is so utterly terrifying that I refuse to acknowledge that any significant other can be worth that much pain. Therefore, I do not just try things easily. I am slow moving. I need to really feel it. I need communication and romancing. I need someone who will be patient with my problems. I need someone who knows not to ask about my last without being fully ready for me to break down. Even then, I will refuse to tell you anything more than what I deem OK to share.

Someone important told me that I have put up walls around myself. This is not true. I have let my walls down and confronted the me I really am. I am real, so much so that sometimes I do hurt. I have set obstacles and fail safes to avoid that kind of pain again. These are not walls. They are my rent-a-cops keeping me safe.

I have no ability to be patient, yet I ask patience of the man who wishes to be with me. I ask trust and communication. I ask above all else, honesty. No lies.

I cannot hold a hand without instinctively rubbing the thumb of that hand as if it were Chris again. I cannot lay my head on someones shoulder without expecting Chris's smell. I cannot hug or kiss or cuddle without imagining and automatically remembering and comparing it to My Chris. I have not let myself feel anything for so long when it comes to anyone but him. It will be a long road. I have just finished rebounding. Now I am confronting and someday, I will come to real acceptance and then I will be comfortable. Hence, patience and trust.

No more tears over him, but I can cry when I need to. I am OK with that finally. Wish me luck with this journey I am on.

I take it back, they are nuts...

My friends are so strange sometimes! They handcuffed me to Joe and made me walk down the hall like that! so strange! and Rich stripped and threw a tie at me. and then everyone was telling me to go just run after him and throw him into bed! how awkward! I mean, don't get me wrong, Rich is great. He's super funny and really awesome, but i don't want to just jump into sex with someone. I want something a little bit more meaningful than that. I need to take my life so slow with my mental and emotional state. I need time and space. everyone telling me to just go for it doesn't help. if anything it makes me feel stressed and pressured and it ruins the feelings that could be there.

The People in My Life

I love the people in my life at the moment. Each and every person I give my personal time to really adds something to my life.

Kirsten is so genuine and honest. She lives life and is not worried about the worlds perceptions of her or of any choices she makes. She never says no to a heart to heart and she understands emotions better than anyone I've ever met.

Teddy is an amazing little guy who brings smiles to everyone's face no matter how they are feeling.

Autumn is so bubbly and fun to be around. She takes risks and lives without regrets.

Alana is gorgeous inside and out and she genuinely cares about the people in her life. Everyone's words matter to her and she is the first one to ask if someone is O.K.

Jen is an amazing support. She is such a kind and accepting person. She is trustworthy and reliable.

Rich is so quiet but such a great listener. He takes in every bit of information and he knows just how to add humor to conversations. He's sweet and just a great guy all around.

Olivia is my roommate and honestly, she has become such a good person to talk to. I am so glad she is there every night to listen to my random frustrations. I wish her the best of luck with her fancy boy. :)

Mak is the best friend I always needed. She and I may not always get to spend a lot of time together anymore, but she is always my best girl. She has been a support through my ups and downs here. She has always listened to me through my tears and through my laughter. She is never afraid to take on a challenge or a new adventure. She may have her hard times sometimes and I am always here for her too. She is one of the most amazing girls I've ever met and I promise to never let her slip out of my life no matter how busy we get these next few years and the rest of our lives.

My family is always just a phone call away and I know they care about me so much. My family takes love to a whole new level. I am so glad to have them in my life and I for sure got so lucky to have the parents I do.

Katie fits in my life in such an awkward way right now. We both are working towards a solid relationship and place for us both to exist in the other's lives. I respect her opinons so much and I worry she doesn't see just how much her advice matters to me sometimes. I love her for exactly what she is.

I just felt like I needed to give a little notice to everyone in my life and say I love you all! :)

The Blame Game, where EVERYONE loses

In my very exciting homecoming night, I talked to a lot of people. Some, I don't remember. I overdid it with the partying, just a bit. Not only do I feel horrible physically, but mentally and emotionally I'm just screwed.

Everyone in my building is blaming me for spreading a rumor that they were going to do room checks. I did not start this rumor. The only people I told were my friends out of consideration. I did not make it up. I heard from my friends that it was possible so I kindly told my other friends. What they did with this information is all their choice. I did not tell anyone to throw away their alcohol. I did not tell anyone that room checks would be in the morning, yet somehow, I am blamed for the whole conspiracy. Not only do I not appreciate being blamed, but I have a hard time trusting people as it is and this does not help.

Now, in this confusion, the one person on campus that I really want to tell this too, refuses to spend time alone with me. I don't know why I have become too much of a distraction, and I also don't understand why she will not give me the time of day. I took care of her last night. I did the right thing. I feel so unappreciated that it literally hurts. And now, this rumor is spreading and I don't even have my best friend to support me and to stand by my side. This, is not O.K.

So, instead, I sit here blogging about my problems to cyberspace and wishing I had not been involved in anything yesterday. Part of making a life here is making choices about my life. This was a bad choice. Mistakes help us learn if we are strong enough to not make them again. I will not be involved in any sort of kegger next weekend. I will not be involved in any "go fish" this next weekend. I will not be spending my time with people who choose to spend their time this way when they are under the influence. As much fun as it is, it is more of a problem.

I have school and my family to worry about. I have to make time to take care of myself. Doing that, will not get me anyplace I need to be.

So, do not blame me for the things other people say. Do not put your frustrations and anger on me, because it is not my fault.

All The Single Ladies!

I have been single for quite some time now. For awhile, it really bothered me. I didn't know how to be me without he. It was a hard transition. However, I have learned some of my most valuable life lessons along this road.

There have been potholes like none other for me. I have never really had things smooth sailing. But, I am OK with that. If everything was easy and you never faced a challenge you would never really be able to see how far you've come.

I know I will always have trials to overcome, but now I know how to do it on my own. I don't rely on a man to support me through every little bump in the road. I am a strong woman on my own.

It is with great pride that I finally say... "I am happy being single. I don't need to look for someone to love me. I love myself just the way I am." This simple statement is so emotionally important for me. If only the world could understand.

Guilt is Eating Me ALIVE!

I sent an email yesterday with my honest feelings that had been stewing under the surface for a long time now. I was set off by discussing motherhood yesterday. There is so much where she is lacking in this relationship, however, I am not perfect. I never was very clear with my expectations and I never got clued into what she was doing about everything. Basically, there was a really big and awful communication gap.

I should have said something sooner than I did. Instead, I feel guilty for the way I said things and the way I tried to run from it all. It is not her fault, it is mine. My life is so busy, I just wanted to have something under my control. That relationship was floating along on my extreme tendency to talk, email, and try to get things moving where I wanted them. The hesitation and tendency to not initiate on her part had become too frustrating. I was very angered by the emails I received from her. Nothing ever was coming off the way I think it should. It seemed as if she was angry at me for even trying to talk to her at all. So, that is why I suggested ending communication.

Instead, I received a long, painful, angry email back. I really can't explain the anger I felt reading it. I felt so accused, blamed, faulted, judged, criticized, and scolded by her words that I almost stopped reading. Then I read the rest of it. She brought to light a bunch of stuff that I had no ideas about. If I had know she was doing these things, I wouldn't have been upset or frustrated with her at all.

Then, I felt guilty. I felt guilty for my words and my anger. I felt angry and I still do, but I feel like I cannot justifiably be angry at her, yet I am for the faults in her communication. Then I just feel more guilt.

We are going to sit down and talk it out, but I lose my ability to express my feelings face to face. She terrifies me more than any phobia(yes, even more than puppets and marionettes as hard as that is to believe!). It is for this reason that I am still angry, guilty, and scared out of my mind about this whole situation.

If I had shut my mouth it would have been just fine. However, if she really wants to know me, then know this, if I have an opinion, an idea, any problem at all, I speak up. I have to talk things out. That is how I was raised, how I am comfortable now, and how I want to stay.

"Real" Mother

Today in my social problems class, we were talking about things that we consider to be part of our identity. Someone mentioned that they are a mother. This spun out into an almost hour long discussion on the concept of mothers and motherhood.

The term "Real" mother got brought up in reference to the woman who gave birth to the child. This drove me nuts the rest of the hour. It is not the correct term for this person. Birth mother, biological mother, or even socially normal mother would have fit better than "real" mother.

I am adopted. For a long time, this was the first thing I would list when someone told me to tell about myself. Recently, however, I have changed my outlook. The woman who birthed me, birthed me out of a teenage mistake. I firmly believe that she is nowhere near my "real" mother. She is simply a source of half of my chromosomal make up. Honestly, I think I was put into the wrong woman's womb because my REAL mother is who I truly consider my mother, and my family.

This woman that carried me for 9 months did so out of denial first, then only having to deal with me as an "oops". I ended up in the right hands. I don't deny that she had a difficult decision to make, but her actions following this decision don't support that sort of emotional experience. I never got that loving "motherly" feel from her communications with me. If anything, I felt criticized and judged by her for every choice I have made on my own. She has not put the effort in to get to know who I have become. She has not given me a chance to show or explain where I am and what I have dealt with in my life.

It is for this reason that, today, when we were discussing motherhood, that I cannot honestly say this woman can be considered any part of who I am as a person. My mother who raised me for 18 years and counting did a better job than that chromosomal donor could have ever wished for or done herself. My mother has loved and supported me. She has not criticized my choices, no matter how stupid they may be in hindsight. She does not judge me on my views or opinions. She has supported me emotionally through the toughest time in my life and she always listened to my stories. She gives me a chance to explain my choices and decisions. She lovingly offers advice or criticism when it is needed. She never ever gets angry over my shortcomings or my faults. And most of all, she loves me more than biology could ever dictate.

I cannot say any longer that I want to keep this woman in my life. She has not put the effort into the relationship that I have. I cannot keep putting myself into situations where I wait for days on end for an email response or for a chance to fit into her life. I have given her space to join my life, but I cannot continue to do so. I acknowledged her as a part of who I was for so long, yet I remained hidden in her life. This has been unacceptable for far too long.

My real mother is the one who will love me without fail until the end. This woman cannot expect to be honest and say the same.

Adoption got me here, but my mother has molded me into the beautiful, smart, kind, loving, and understanding individual that I am. I would not consider a mother to be anything less.

Reality

Nothing ever really can go the way we expect it to. Reality is completely off from our dreams. Reality is the only truth though.

We may not always be employed. We may not always have enough time, money, or sleep to live the life we want. We may not always live where we want to, but it is where we are. Reality may not be what we wanted, but it is how we look at and perceive reality that defines our life experience.

Live life. Never go to sleep saying "I wish I would have.." Take every chance you can to experience life to the fullest, because waiting around on something, someone, or someplace, to be what we want it to, is an utter waste of time.

Reality is shoving itself in my face a lot right now. School is becoming stressful with lots of projects. I have family things going on. And, I don't know what to do about someone that I really want to be in my life, yet she doesn't seem to be as desireful about it as I am. I am a little ball of stress without my usual outlet. Part of being a grown up is learning to handle it, and I am. However, it is hard. So bear with me readers, this may get to be a bumpy confusing space for a bit, but it only reflects the stuff going on in my head. :)

Homework Day : October

Sooooooo today is Homework Day of October. It is a day centered around catching up and getting ahead with stuff for school. It is a tedious, long, and boring day. It is awful, hence the break here to blog.

My focus at the moment of the day is rewriting papers. It is awfully long boring work. I would rather just sleep now. I have to finish these things though. It is necessary.

Consequences

Every choice we make in life has a consequence. It can be something as little as choosing not to grab breakfast and failing a test or something as big as forgetting the condom that one time and a new baby is on the way. Thankfully, neither of those choices have been made by me, but the point still stands.

I'm at a decision making point in my life. I either decide to focus my efforts on school and my career, or I can choose to work on my school work and still have some fun sometimes too. I have to decide which people I will spend my time with. I need to decide where my life goes from here.

People in our lives influence our choices a lot depending on the person. However, the ultimate choice is ours. Thus, I feel compelled to say, as much as my ex has influenced me in spending my time with him, I decided one hundred percent to go willingly. I now deal with the consequence, extreme confusion. I am once again at a point with him where I either try to get him back in my life or I try to shoo him away from mine for as long as I can. Usually I twiddle my thumbs for a few days and then decide to move on, but here, I feel the pressures of my decision weighing on me. The choices I am making now, affect the rest of my life. That is frightening.

So, I have put much more thought and effort into my decisions and choices. I analyze the consequences of my choices now before I make a decision. It makes a huge difference when we think about the choices in our life.

Therefore, I am stressed out and frazzled. I cannot focus the same and I am lost in my head from time to time. Figuring this out though, is meaning more to me as an individual than anything else I have ever experienced.

Throwback to my youth

So, last night I posted on my old blog for Chris. Ever since he texted me, I've been dying to just say all those things to him. I wasn't able to sleep last night, and I sat up and talked to a good friend of mine. He asked me why I was so worried about seeing Chris and why it was wrong. I sat there and thought about it. It's not wrong. It's a choice I decide upon and act upon. It is my decision what to say or not to say. It's not a decision up to the people around me ultimately. Ultimately, it's my choice only. It affects my life only. My choice.

After I realized this, I came back in and sat down to write to Chris. He told me yesterday that he still reads my blogs from time to time. It gave me hope that maybe this message will get through. The post was a whole lot of begging and pleading and explaining what I want again. He knows, but I wanted to say the words. However, if I let him see that I still care he can take that knowledge and use it to his advantage. If I keep lying and saying I don't love him, it makes him come back to me somehow. It is so backwards and confusing. I don't know if I should leave the post up... but i'm sick of lying everytime someone asks about him. I love him its stupid and illogical and dumb and nonsensical, but he just matters to me. He is important to me. If people want to say that loving him is wrong, then go ahead. I stand by my choice. I'd rather be honest about how I feel and sound stupid, than lie about it and make everyone else happy.

Sleep!

I slept 12 hours last night. It was absolutely amazing! My tired (not so) little body needed it!

In other news, my tummy has begun to be more rotund then I would like, so I decided I need to get back on the work-out bandwagon. However, every ab exercise I do hurts my abused back in very excruciating ways. I need a way to exercise my tummy without hurting my back any more than it already is. Any ideas?

Lastly, I am so very busy lately that I think I may pass out from sheer mental exhaustion. I'm praying to make it through this week.

The Future

Sometimes, I wish I could see what is coming in my life. I wish I could fast forward 10 years and see where I am and who is around. I want to see where all those people from high school end up. I want to know who stays in love, who falls out of it, and who ends up alone. I want to see what happens in life. I want to know I will make it out of here alive and well and hopefully not alone.

I keep seeing references to weddings around my life lately. It's making me really curious to see how life will end up. I can't really be sure, but I believe that something good is going to happen soon. I have a feeling. Good luck to me!

Exhaustion

In college, the concept of a good nights sleep is as elusive as the yeti. It just isn't found. And, those who claim to have found it, are lying.

So, what are you supposed to do when you hit the exhaustion mode and still have shit to do? I'm not really sure yet.

Personally, I value my relaxation in the middle of the day between classes and stuff. It means I have a crap ton of stuff to do later, but relaxing gives me a boost to get through the day.

It's Monday! Yay for Coffee!

Mondays require coffee in copious amounts. It's the hardest day to wake up, and the most difficult to stay motivated through out. Hence, the coffee requirement.

I may only have an hour of class in the morning, but at 9am, psychology is pretty intense; especially for this night owl.

So, I dragged my little butt down to Klas cafe before class this morning. Walked in, ordered a very delicious caramel machiato with skim milk, please, and lo and behold, the girl behind me ordered the same exact drink. Funny stuff, I'm telling ya! However, I told her I found it funny that she ordered my exact drink and she just kind of looked at me like I was nuts. Apparently, some people take coffee a little too seriously.

I walked to class, giggling to myself. Arrived ten minutes early, took my usual seat, set my coffee down, took out my notebook, sighed, and I was ready for the morning. Watching movie clips about cute baby psychological development with my coffee was great!

Now, this little caffeinated jitterbug is going to be productive. Eh, maybe after the next cup will things actually get done.

New Beginning

For much of my last few years on this earth, I've been using a previous blog as a means of thoughtful introspection. It's time for a new start. So, here is this new beginning!

I have no idea just how great this blog will be, but I'm sure going to try to make it worth my fabulous writing. Ha.

Honestly, I think everyone needs to write somehow. It's the best way to get your thoughts out; you can go back and read it once you've typed like a mad woman. It's good to see complete ideas represented straight from your own mind.

Wish me Luck.