my dream last night

So, last night I fell asleep very late and had eaten a butterfinger before bed. Bad idea. I dreamed that I was at a performance with Chris. It was a pirate ship that was sinking and had to be saved before the bad pirate came and killed you. It was me and Chris on the ship trying to bale water and put out fires. The ship sank too far so they stopped sinking it and sent the bad pirate on the ship. He said he was going to kill Chris, but I jumped up and said not him. Take me instead I'll do anything. Chris didn't even look at me as the pirates dragged me away. I tried to touch him one last time, but I couldn't reach. He looked away. They tied me up in gasoline soaked fabric then proceeded to light me on fire. Chris never looked my way. I woke up after that. I wonder just how indicative of out feelings are our dreams. Maybe this was showing me that even when I am sad and I try to care, I'll get lit on fire and left to die alone. Screw you mister bentz. I would never take death over you.

don't judge me for feeling down.

So it is finally starting to hit me being off of my medicine. I crawled into bed and realized that out of the 12 people I texted, only one answered. Ironically, it was Chris. Guess he wasn't totally ignoring me. It's a shame that he car needs fixing and he can't spend my day off with me tomorrow. I told neil today when he asked how I was that I was lonely. I didn't realize how much so until I was totally alone in the dark in my room wishing for just someone to lay with me for 10 minutes. This sucks. I will be ok. Don't get me wrong. And don't judge me for feeling down. I can do this, but it seriously is kicking my ass at the moment. But I'm no quitter so I shall press onward. Maybe I will let the tears fall. Breathe. Think. Let myself feel the things I try so hard to push out of my mind from 9 to 5 everyday. This is my time. I'm entitled to this. So what if I want to be sad for a little while? It is just a little while. I will wake up tomorrow and take on the world with my strength and courage.

So in the process of trying to grab my phone to type this post, I broke my phone case. Best 1.95 I ever spent. Anyways, on to my post... "I don't love you, and I always will" love this line from poison and wine by the civil wars. Good stuff I can't wait to see mom on Wednesday. I am having a hard day without medicine today. I got really nauseous and I feel very tired and unable to cope. I watched two movies tonight with friends though and that helped a lot. I wish all my texting buddies would answer back. They are all not responding and I start to feel super lonely and neglected then. Maybe I should just get married and call it good. I should sleep, but I'm afraid of my dreams. Last night, I dreamed such painful things I can't even blog them. Plus a lot of it wouldn't scare anyone but me. Goodnight.

Come All the Lost and Lonely

If there is supposed to be a someone for everyone, why, in this world of billions, is it so difficult to find them? What if, sadly, there are those that use up all the love they get in a life time in say, one relationship? Who's to say that the world really does make sense enough for everyone to have a someone? Beyond these normally occurring life contemplating questions, I have increasingly been wondering if maybe there is someone out there for me that I haven't met yet. Maybe, I have my prince charming coming as fast as he can and I need to let life happen before he can get into my life. Maybe, I have rightly been watching the man I thought to be my prince riding away from everything I loved into a life of bad decisions. Maybe, I only think about marrying Rich because I am scared that there will be no one for me. Or maybe he is my prince and I'm too convinced that he's still a frog. (no offense rich). Maybe, maybe, maybe. I can contemplate all I want, but the world will do as it does. Time will move on, I will make choices. I will end up wherever I'm supposed to be.

unbelievable.

Too tired to even attempt to explain my weekend. Off to sleep. Posts to follow.

need to ramble

So this is one of those posts that y'all can ignore cause I just gotta voice stuff in my brain to be able to sleep.

Putting walls up is easier than taking them down.

Being right doesn't always feel good.

Expressing what we want sometimes makes it real.

Boys are confusing.

School is a lot of work. Even though I love it..

I need to remember to have courage.

Memories don't have to hurt if we don't let them.

Blisters happen way too easily in heels.

I am happy at how clean and clear my skin is lately.

I weight 130 pounds. Yikes!

I am healthy.

I am doing well in classes. (A's in all)

I miss being in a relationship.

I seriously have been thinking about dating Rich, but don't tell him that.

I love, love, love the smell and heartbeat of laying on Chris's chest. But that doesn't ever happen so forget it.

I am lonely.

I love being single.

I have dilemas.

I want to get high super bad for 4/20.. I know that's dumb and all, but it would be fun to bond with all my friends over some weed.

I love having my nails painted pretty colors.

Music is awesome when you are trying to shut your brain up.

But sometimes it makes the thoughts worse.

I hate that I've only been one day off meds and my head is already racing. But I am in control still.

I refuse to let medicine control my happiness or ability to live life the way I want to.

I am excited to see Aerosmith in concert in June.

I have decided Johnny Depp is my favorite actor and I made him my laptop background.

I miss having sex consistently in a relationship. Chris and I never had problems there. I guess that's why that part has survived best through all our crap. And we're friends which makes me really happy because he is around, but at a safe distance. And oh shit. Won't even write that out.

Anyways... I don't love Chris. Nope. I don't. He's stupid.

I need to remind myself of that one sometimes.

He gets stuck in my head with his little cute things and I have to remember that they are only moments and not how he really feels all the time. Plus he wants to do drugs like ecstacy and cocaine. Dumb ideas. Weed I can accept. Anything more is bad.

I still wanna get high.

I want a cuddle buddy, but guys only want me naked or they are stuck in my friend zone.

Life ain't always beautiful. Great song and true words

This is a long post, but I am feeling better.

I wonder if I can have wine at the wedding tomorrow?

I should be sleeping.

My brain won't shut up..

I hate sleeping on wet hair.

I love my tigger pillow pet. He rocks. My sister is the best.

I hope I can get a perfect present for mom for mothers day.

I hope my sister gets help and stops being anorexic or malnourished or fucked up and starts getting better. I hope she finds a therapist as amazing as my mary is.

I miss church sometimes.

I don't miss church. I miss faith. I miss feeling that God presence in my life. I should pray more.

I think it's funny when paige sleep moans and mumbles.

I miss seeing baby romy.

I want to have kids someday, but not anytime soon.

Chris and I would have had a beautiful baby. Too bad I couldn't do it.

I hate my body for never doing what it is supposed to.

I want to marry steven tyler.

I sometimes still get sad about my miscarriage. But still don't want to talk about it. So shush.

I think blogging is amazing.

I want to watch rent on stage again. I miss that feeling. It was so real.

I smell clean.

I should sleep now.

I'm not alone.

I can do this.

Breathe.

Sleep.

God bless.

class registration

Yay for me! Class registration went off without a hitch. I got into all my classes and this little duckling is one happy camper.

However, I spent the rest of my day (after a quick field trip to Open Book, which was awesome) in bed. I have felt beyond tired and stressed out. I know I can do this, but it won't be easy. Lot's of good sleep and low stress and I can do it. Maybe the low stress will be a problem, but I can do it!

So, I am attempting to take 5 classes in the fall. That is a class above the norm. I will be very busy. I am excited for the challenge and I love the classes I'm taking so I should do well.

Now, just one month left...

here we go!

Class registration in like 6.75 hours. Field trip tomorrow to open book for some fun writing/publishing information and having my first day off of my meds again!

I'm a little nervous to see how this goes, but I think I will be alright. I'm in a good place now and being on anti-depressants (especially prozac, like me) is not good for your body. It damages your liver and can lead to chemical dependency in your brain. So, in the midst of busy stuff, here we go just me and no meds.. well not totally. I still take vitamins and birthcontrol and allergy meds but besides that I'm clean!

I am just prefacing the next weeks and everything with a general advisory motion that I will be posting a lot to make sure I am doing alright. :)

just cause i felt the need to write!

"I open my heart, and I let you in. Promised i'd never love again. And I'm still doing what I said i'd do. Someday I might get over you..... I never thought i'd see it but I think I see the light and now I know that what I have to do is get on with my life." -Kenny Chesney

This song is stuck on repeat in my mind and heart. I feel lonely and so I turn on my music, focus in on school work or some mind numbing game and just zone out. I shut down to keep myself from feeling the full extent of the lonely.

I saw Chris tonight. We had the best conversation and just smiled and laughed and joked together. He cuddles me and takes away the loneliness, if just for a moment. The smile on his face when he looks right into my eyes reminds me that it was all real. I don't want to go back, I just need to be reminded that I can be happy. I don't love Chris anymore. I don't love Chris anymore. I don't love Chris anymore. Hear that? It's the truth finally breaking past my fears.

I get scared to say that I don't love him because I fear that I will never love again. I am afraid to go through the rest of my life without love so I clung to the old feelings for Chris. But. The biggest obstacle from making myself happy and falling in love again was my feelings for him. So I take a deep breath and let them go.

Now, when I see his smile, I smile back. I don't cry anymore for him. I don't feel jealous of his friends for getting time with him. I'm happy to have him as part of my life as my friend. He is a good friend. Sure, I will always love Chris as my first love, but the world keeps turning and I'm determined to have no regrets in this life.

So why am I writing? I had words to share that are kind of mixed and scrambled and unclear, but I feel like I know it all at the end of this post. Writing sorts out my thoughts even if they aren't clear on the screen yet, I feel ten million times better without them clogging my brain.

Smile. Head back. Chin up. Chest out. I can take on the world.

Oh Writer's Block...

So, for the last week or so, I've felt the need to scream at everyone pretty much all the time. Frustrations with the end of the year so quickly approaching were reaally starting to get to me. I couldn't even write it out like I usually do to relieve some pressure and steam.

My solution? Scream at my roommate for waking me up three days a week by being drunk at 1:30 AM on a WEEKDAY! Crazy. Not a fun situation in the long run and yesterday an RA stopped in to make sure we didn't kill each other. We were really mad.

Now, I am supposed to be doing homework and being productive, yet all I want to do is pop in a movie and eat ice cream. Senioritis anyone?

turning a new leaf

We always say we turn a new leaf when we make a major life change. Now, this phrase seems a little silly, but if you think of the beauty in a new leaf turning towards the sun to catch its warmth to fuel its growth you can see just how powerful turning a new leaf can be.

As I have grown up, I have gained a better control over my emotions, actions, and decisions in life. Part of this is control of my anger and the way I handle being angry or frustrated. Knowing myself, I take time to myself when I'm having a hard time or a bad day. When my time to myself is taken over and infiltrated I am going to get mad. I will not scream or readily cry. I will not throw out punches or be rude. However, if you try to push me even an inch when I'm done for the day and you have already inhibited my sleep, I will get mad and I will say something. If you choose to take what I say personally, that is your consequince of pissing me off.

My new leaf that I have turned in college here is just starting to reach for the sun. I will fight for that warmth and happiness and no cloud, however paige selfish it may be, will stop me.

So, tonight, I give silence its old home and curl in bed and let my dreams process what I cannot right now. Good night and let me sleep!

wow.

I have my music on shuffle. It's Your Love by Tim McGraw came on and I waited for those old feelings to assault my brain. I waited prepared to rationalize my way out of the feelings, but they never came. Those feelings are gone. They are in the past and for once they are staying there.

Distance from Chris did nothing for me like trying to be his friend is doing now. Being a part of it and seeing everything so clearly makes me realize just how much better than that I am. I don't need Chris to define my feelings or my life. I may be single now, but somehow it doesn't seem so comfortable as before. I feel like I can actually open my eyes to new people and see what may come my way. I can take off my old sweats and throw on a coat of makeup and some cute shoes and embrace who I am and be strong and not suffering from a bad breakup.

My hair has grown out again. My nails are always painted now. I take time to eat breakfast and look ok before I leave the dorm every morning. I have started trying again. Because those feelings aren't here I don't have to hang myself up on them. I'm free! Wow.