Just a Rough Night

I can't explain why tonight is just so hard, but it is. It's so painful to just be awake for today. I want to just curl up under the covers and not move all week. I don't want to do homework or write papers or work on anything. Just sleep in it's blissful quiet unconscious state is all that my brain is able to think.

I have been so slow and sleepy. Silence is the predominant thing coming from me at the moment. I left my friends tonight to just sit and listen to music and write this blog. I needed distance and clarity. So, BLOG speak to me. Tell me where to go from here. Give me a semblance of an idea of what is going on in my head. Give me a place to rest my conscious and to clarify my underlying issues. Give me space from the mind to discover myself. Where oh where is my poor unfortunate brain?

Alas, I find myself sitting in a toasty lounge in comfy pants and sorting thoughts out in a text box on the trusty practically dead laptop... oh hurry lol

Chris has been absent all week for once which is great. However, I have come to the moment in this grieving process where I decided I need to control the situation. So, first I yelled. Then, I forgot about it. Now, I want to be friends on facebook because I seriously have masochistic tendencies when it comes to Chris. Also, I just want the ability to have the friend status symbolically to represent the change we have gone through and to show that we really are living our own lives finally. I so desperately want him to come to this amazing place where I am living. I want him to observe my life and for him to see the friends I made and the progress I've made in life. I want to rub his face in it and scream "I made it without you. I am strong and happy. I don't need you. I love the world I'm in. I am all on my own. I am doing well. I have no pain constantly making me nauseous and panicked. I don't cry to sleep every night. I don't hold on to your pictures like I have the secret to the universe in my hands anymore. I may still cuddle with that old dog you gave me, but that is out of comfort and familiarity and the simple fact that I have yet to burn those final pieces remaining. I can't bring myself to sever the connection to the past totally yet. I will when I go home for thanksgiving. I plan on privately burning your old things. I even plan on deleting the pictures from my hidden files and the places where I've placed your pictures everywhere so I could never lose them all, but I am making them all go away. I regret having to cut the whole of my life with you out of my past memorabilia, but I feel there is no other way to finally be free from your painful existence in this world. And worst of all... you work at caribou. My favorite coffee chain and you had to go infect that too. Shame on you. To make the worst even worse, you work at the caribou closest to my college. really? wow." So, besides that long rant at Chris, I have no more to say to or about him. Go away dumb boy.

As my laptop battery ticks down and my bladder screams to go pee asap I speedily analyze the rest of my thoughts...

My roommate issue has driven me more mad than I could have thought possible. She is inconsiderate and rude and just plain uncompromising. Ugh! She has not slept in the room for all week. Wow, avoid the problem much? Silly immature Olivia. I just need a place to lay my head at night where I am comfortable and able to relax without worrying about being judged, avoided, ignored, cluttered and uncomforted. I want a place to really call home. I need to feel at home and I don't. If I can get this thing solved soon enough then I will be better equipped to handle the other issues in my life.

And, my "best friend" Mak has abandoned my cause it seems. She has found a new person to be crazy stupid with. I matured more than she has it would seem. College is pushing me towards life with a sense of purpose. She is still rebelling and trying to find a way to handle the depression in her life. Drinking and drugs will not solve your problems. They become problems in and of themselves. They let you avoid the confrontation with the root of your problems. Also, not going to counseling is bad, bad, BAD! Medication cannot save you on it's own. You need to allow it to do it's job and by smoking weed you further upset the chemical imbalance in your brain. Bad idea darling. I will be here for you because I know I wish I had that friend back then, but really... I see the pain of my place right now. i understand why my friends left me. I don't want to do that to you, but I can only take so much abuse and neglect.

I miss my mother a lot in all of this. I miss coming home at night and talking about my day. Grant it, I do talk to her when I call, but it isn't the same sense of unwinding of my day and problems that I had at home. So, Mommy, I miss you.

And my dad's sense of humor and just care that he has towards me always chokes me up that little bit. The man loves me more fiercely than any other human being on this earth. I love my daddy and not having him here to laugh and joke with is hard.

Nothing else is bothering me really. I'm tired of being asked to go out to the club and to parties because it's something that I generally don't enjoy, but I am O.K. with saying no and staying here, however, I need the roommate issue solved so when everyone is gone and I have time alone I can be productive in my room again. Stressful I tell you, stressful!

I am excited to talk to my doctor on Monday and see if there is something we can do to help me. I hope something exists to help my anxiety besides going back on anti-depressants again.

That is all for my long post this evening. Good night world!

I see you.

Mika : I See You
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NkZJ1I1NBJs

This song is amazing. Kirsten listens to his music all the time and recently this song captured my attention. The instrumental is beautiful and the words are so powerful.

If only I could see the end to the anxiety and the stress I feel right now...

A catch up on life stuff...

Things with my roommate have escalated to a point where neither of us is really comfortable in the same room. I cannot do homework in my room due to the clutter and mess on her desk and her "side" of the room. I literally have had to do homework elsewhere cause it's that bad. My OCD and the anxiety are so bad right now. I am having a very hard time just making it through the process of taking care of everything. On top of that, registration is tomorrow morning at 7am.

Panic attacks here are not an option. This school is my happy place. Anxiety and stress will happen, but I think there is more of an underlying cause for the incredible amount of anxiety that I have. I've reverted into some of my old habits and new ones as well just to cope with the anxious and depressed feelings I am starting to get again. I bite my lip incesantly and I started chewing my hangnails like crazy. I can't fall asleep at night without the T.V. on and clutching tightly to a stuffed animal for comfort. I have too much on my mind. I literally cannot speak straight sometimes. I have picked up a stammer from the processing in my brain right now. The roommate situation has me so hopeless, I cried here on Monday for the first time in a long time. Since then, sleep is sometimes very tearful.

I should feel comfortable with my roommate. I should feel comfortable in my own room. Comfortable at least enough to be able to do homework without getting off task by the amount of things around me and on my mind. When my heartrate increases whenever I walk in my room or see my roommate that is not O.K. Something needs to change. If only the process wasn't so difficult and the dorms not so full.

Nothing But Putting My Life Into Perspective

This week has been a very perspective gaining week. From Monday learning that I was not really over things to learning how to really make a conscious effort to be on my own on Friday and now to today. I am asserting myself to Olivia. I'm making an effort to talk to her about the room and how I live here 24/7 even when she is not. I demand a little more space than what I have.

I'm a strong person on my own. I finally realized the place I had been trapping myself in. I wasn't allowing myself to move on and be free from my past. I wasn't letting my walls down to shine as the true me. I have been in a roundabout for far too long. It's time to drive on.

I am on a fast track to graduating college. I'm getting where I want to as fast as I can. And I LOVE THIS LIFE! :)

Easy does it...

Space, Singularity, Individualism, Patience, Independence, and Time. I have had so much of some and none of others for the past year in my life. I turn 19 in a few months, and with that birthday, I intend to resurrect the faith in myself and the belief that what I have to say matters. I can stand on my own. I do not need a man as a crutch.

hey! what you staring at?

I am genetically endowed with a nice round backside. I am proud of my butt. In fact, I often am the first to make a joke and to point attention to my hindquarters. However, when people stare without invitation, I find that rude and disrespectful. Not only is it objectifying, but it makes me feel self conscious. Lesson here, don't stare unless I joke about it and make it allowed.

Second order of business: when I wear sweats do not judge. They are the worlds most comfortable and cuddly invention for clothing. I enjoy being warm and comfortable. And above all else, they make me feel completely comfortable in my own skin. I am me in personality and I attract people with that alone when I'm in my sweats. Dressing up is great, but I like being me inside and out.

Do not stare at me or wonder why I make the choices I do. I am an individual who has the personal right to act, speak, and believe as I do. I decide my path in life. I decide who comes with me. I am in charge of myself and no one else. Do not judge.

Production Stand Still

For the last few days I have been more than productive. I finished three papers, a large major minor project, and have been studying for my psychology exam tomorrow. However, I sat down today and just lost all drive to do anything. My brain was just wiped out.

This is a big problem. I have a 12 page research paper coming up at the end of the month, a large quantity of blogs to write for social problems, and still more RPQ's and reading to do for Brit Lit.

UGH!

A Long Individual Healing Process

I lost someone last year who I believed was the love of my life. I was wrong.

I had not really become angry at Chris until Sunday evening. I had been so blind to the actions I was taking in reference to the words I was speaking.

I believed with every last hope that Chris was just going to come back. That is the simplest reason that I went to him at his every beck and call.

As I finally gained enough courage to invite him formally into my life here, he said maybe in such a nonchalant tone that I knew it was a lie. At that moment, I realized I was really being toyed with and used. Finally the anger hit.

I was angry at him for all that he had used me for: emotionally, physically, and mentally. I was mad at myself for being so stupid and blinded by this dumb boy. I was incredibly angry for my inability to see what was happening. I was furious that he would do that to me after all that I have faced in my life.

However, I am stronger. I will not let the anger rule my life. I am putting him out of sight and out of mind. His blog is gone. His pictures are either torn in the trash or awaiting a lighter. His memory is forever tainted by the way he used me for the last year.

I am mad at the way I acted. I take so much pride in my maturity in reference to my peers. I feel like such a dumb teenage girl here that I want to hide in shame. Part of this acceptance of my failings here is walking with my head high and showing that although I made a mistake, it did not ruin who I am inside.

I also hurt someone who mattered a lot to me. Rich is a fantastic guy. I was careless and unkind to his emotions. I did not consider the emotional and mental stake he had in me. I hurt him and for this I am incredibly angry at myself. I have such a tendency to ruin relationships with people because I push my limits and go until everything is too late. I don't know what else to say to him besides I'm sorry. You may not be the prince charming that Chris appeared to be, but you are such a gentleman and a true valiant knight underneath it all.

I claimed that I was healed before. I am never really healed. I am always growing new tissue and building new muscle on top of old. I have realized my stupidity in this situation and for that I deserve some respect and maybe a little forgiveness. I am a human being with faults. But, here I realized that sadness, denial, anger, and then acceptance really is how you heal.

Busy yet Bored. Is this life?

Everyone always says life gets boring after college. You start to settle down and forsake adventure for security and comfort. Why? Just because there may be a few more years on you doesn't mean you should forget how to have a spark and fun in your life. I cannot ever imagine living life without the adventures and ups and downs it has now. I would be so bored without the fluidity in my life right now!

The reason I pose this question is because I have been so terribly busy lately, but I am bored. I do the same thing every week. Classes, friends, eat, sleep. We never go off campus on the adventures in the cities that we keep saying we're going to do. I sit and do homework for 4 hours and we talk about what's good on TV. I'm bored.

Most people would say "join an activity" or "get involved" but doing that would make my grades drop. I have two B+ another B and an A-. That doesn't happen without total dedication of my brain power to the classes I'm taking. Grades mean too much to me to risk joining something and having them drop.

So I guess I shall be bored for awhile, but I know it is paying off somehow.

emotion motivates

In psychology we discussed how emotions are huge motivating factors.

Joy : things which are good for our survival
Things that make us happy motivate us to do them due to the motivation for survival.

Sad : things which are bad for your survival
Things that make us sad are negative factors that influence us to not make that choice again because it is not beneficial for our survival.

These two emotions are so contradictory in reference to one person in my life. He used to make me happier than I have ever been, but he has also hurt me more than anyone else. The question here is why do I make the conscious decision to go see him, when I know it will hurt me later? The answer is psychological.

Fear : things which are bad for your survival
things that cause us to feel afraid are not helpful for our survival. The dark is so scary because our body is not equipped for life in the dark. Fear causes an activated behavioral response which in this case is to flee.

Anger : things which are bad for your survival
Things that cause us to feel anger evoke a different response. Here, we tend to want to fight.

In these emotions, it is fight or flight. I am afraid of being hurt by Chris again. I am afraid of going to that scary dark place where my head floats without a consciousness. However, I am so angry at him that I stay and try to fight. I try to push him to do the things I want. I try to persuade him to come try and see me in the light. I try to fight to save him because I don't want to be sad again if he is really gone.

Psychologically, there are so many emotions that cause a contradictory response and activation to fight or flight response. However, these emotions will never lead us to always make the correct response, but it is the "correct" response to these emotions.

I stood my ground and told him yesterday that I hate being used by him for his wants. I hate the way I cannot say no to him. He has treated me so badly and it is not OK. He does not deserve my energy, companionship, and my physical body. He does not have any claim to any of that anymore. I have to accept these facts : he is not coming back, he is not in love with me, and most of all he is using my emotions to get what he wants. Accepting the facts that I cannot change these things will allow me to consciously work towards avoidance and eventually the ability to say no in every encounter with him. Acceptance is not a psychological piece to this puzzle, but it is the most logical and the most beneficial to my individual emotional survival.

one more day

"One more day
One more time
One more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again
I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you"
-One More Day by Diamond Rio

I had one of these days last night with Chris. He was the boy I fell in love with and now is a memory. However, I have been wishing for him to be back to normal for just one night and last night I had this chance.

He and his girlfriend broke up. We cuddled and talked and laughed like old times. He reminisced with me. We smiled at each other. I saw the look in his eyes that made me fall in love in the first place. I saw the feelings he denies in his eyes. I heard his heartbeat again. I had forgotten how amazing it sounds.

Yet, this one more day has left me wishing for more. It has left me spinning in circles trying to figure out the reasons he called me up last night. I have been confused on if it was just an amazing moment in time or if he found more in it.

I have a life and I am happy where I am. I am solid in who I am. If anything ever did happen, I would be so happy to have him with me again. However, I am not going to get into things the way we were before. I would love to have him around again. I love him to death. But, I respect his individual life and I have my own individual life. We have both grown over the last year. I want to get to know him again. I want to spend time with him, but I do not want our two lives to become one again. It is not practical and I love where I am.

I wish he would agree to coffee and maybe see that things can be good. I know he saw it last night. I did too. But, if he does not come halfway, I am not going to sit here waiting for him for as long as I did before. I have life to live. Come along for the ride, or watch me go. I will wait a little while for you now, but do not let me slip away if that's what you want.

maybe i can

I think this week is Karma just getting back at me. Stuff just doesn't seem to go right and it's really difficult.

However, I have talked to Rich about the things holding me back and just things that are on my mind. For the first time in a long time, I felt comfortable talking about the personal things I've tried so hard to ignore and avoid. I never realized how truly amazing it is to be honest with myself about my fears and my wants. I never would have come to this honesty without Rich to talk to. I only hope he knows how much I appreciate him.

Yet, I am not ready to cuddle or hold hands. I'm not ready to kiss yet. I am not at a point where I am comfortable being really intimate with someone again. The last man I let in hurt me. I have to be careful. I have told him this. I am not leading him anywhere yet. I need to just take things slow. Talking with him like this is so hard as it is.

For the first time since Chris has been gone, I looked at another man and did not instantly think of and see Chris. I am scared but I know it is a good fear. It is fear of the new but it is not scary, it is just different. I will always have those feelings in that time for Chris, but I can allow myself to see other men. I can allow feelings to exist again. I am terrified and I can't help but tear up because of the fear. I feel that familiar pressure of the anxiety attacks again. I am on the verge of panic but I can be strong. I can do this.

Also, Chris wanted to see me last night or sometime this week. I said no. To say no to him when he wanted to see me nearly killed me. But to my surprise, me saying no to him did not end the conversation. It was not the end of the communication. Saying no didn't mean I had to forget about him. Saying no did not mean he would forget about me. Saying no didn't end the past. Saying no did not end his desire to just see me. It did not finish the story. It merely put a chapter break in. It split the volumes finally.

I can let myself see other guys as something potential. I can acknowledge Chris as a sort of friend. I can go on after saying no. It did not kill me. It may have made me cry, but only a cleansing. I can say no.

A Therapist?

I hated the therapist I had before I went off to school. She never really seemed to help me very much. Partly, I did not give her much to work with, and partly, she seemed a little nutty herself.

However, I have been thinking recently that a therapist here at school, as in a school counselor, might be of some help.

I don't feel like I'm drowning or that I can't handle everything, because I can without any problems. I just don't have a friend or person where I can really talk honestly because even here, my parents and friends read and I have things that I feel should not be shared publicly but still need to be voiced none-the-less.

I know I have character flaws and personal faults, but I don't know how to come to terms with my faults and flaws in the daylight and with the people around me. I've been so emotionally distant for so long that I feel as if I am always watching the lives of my friends instead of participating myself.

This distance is fine if I want to stay distant, but I believe that after a good long year of being separate and lonely, I can deserve to be a part of things with my walls truly down. (Yes, I am acknowledging that I have walls. Quit saying I told you so Katie! :P)

A little self honesty helps and hopefully seeing someone to talk to will help too.

Stressing out and not sure how to handle it.

For a long while now, I have been emotionally and socially distant. I gravitate towards a friend or two and that's about it. I'm scared to have friends again because of the pain I've suffered from the last batch.