Day by Day

I've been chugging along day by day. I try to get more than 4 hours of sleep but it's hard. I want to hide under the covers sometimes. I just have struggled my way through to the end of my semester. It's crazy to think that april 29 is the last day of classes for me as an undergrad. I literally have like 4.5 months of school left. that's it. then it's time for a taste of the real world. but ya know, I don't know what I want yet. I feel like I should be applying for grad schools and searching for internships, but truth be told, I don't want to. I don't want to start that part of my life yet. I want to take a year or so to just work and live life. hang out with friends. paycheck to paycheck. I kind of want to just be one of those average people living an average life. I'm tired of trying to overachieve all the time. I will have finished my undergrad in 3 years instead of 4. I've gotten pretty stellar grades for most of it (we'll see about this semester). I just kind of want to slow down and breathe. I've been so caught up in all of this I haven't really set a goal for my life or a career I want. I know psychology will influence my career choice, but maybe I want to work a bit and try to advance in my job and see if I like that. Maybe I want to be a supervisor and do that kind of work? it's still working with people and it pays decent. then I could pursue a bigger degree later. Or maybe I want to join the peace corp and go to africa for a couple years and feed starving children. Maybe I want to teach. No. haha. Maybe I want to go into human resources and help people in whatever company I work for. Maybe I want to be a school counselor. Maybe I want to be an astronaut? Who knows. I've been rushing to get "done" with school without any real thought of what comes after I'm done. Maybe I should have waited. Maybe I should have gone more broke to go to school for the full 4 years. Or maybe, I'm on the right path and I'll figure it out like I always do. day by day. one step at a time. Or maybe I'll make my mother angry and work at the mall of america for the rest of my life. haha maybe.

Well despite an ER trip... all is well.

So I had an allergy/asthma attack and spent a night in the ER. D.J. the wonderful guy that he is, stayed by my side the whole time and took the next day off to take care of me. I am one very lucky girl.

Work is going as well as can be expected. Most everyone still likes me. Except Barb but she hates D.J. so now she hates me. I'm hoping to get a fulltime position the next time they open up. We'll see. I'm also looking into possibly going into HR.

School is school. It goes. I'm not excelling like normal this year, but I am still doing really well. I just registered for my last undergraduate courses. It feels weird to be almost done.

So there's this guy...

So there's this guy in my life right now. He's really smart and funny. We can sit and talk for hours, literally hours, about everything under the sun. He's really handsome and he has a fantastic personality. He's considerate and kind. He even helped me wash dishes the other day (dishes are a dreaded chore so that was great). Something about this guy just makes me happy and I feel lucky to have him around. He's also a coworker so that's another thing to talk about. It's a learning experience for both of us because neither one of us has dated a coworker before. We're being pretty good about it I think. We talked about workplace behavior and all that. I just thought I'd put it out there that there's a boy in my life.

I have so much to say but no time to say it.

It seems like the last twoish months have been filled with so many life changes. I am just starting to really slow down enough for the dust to settle. I'm looking around at my life and I feel the need to scream at the things that have happened. I want to praise myself for conquering the challenges and rising above the pain I was feeling. I'm in disbelief of myself. I would never have predicted that I could get to where I am now.

In the last two months, I broke off an engagement, I moved home, I worked 30+ hours a week an hour and a half away from home. I went to school full time. I spent time with friends and family. I moved into an apartment all my own. I got a kitten. I crashed my car. I  broke up someone else's relationship over a dumb mistake. I slept with my ex-fiance because we were both vulnerable. I made new friends at work that genuinely are good people and like to have me around. I am working on studying for the GRE so I can apply for grad school after I graduate in May. I am a senior in college.

I want to yell at Kyle's family for disowning me over what I said from a place of anger and hurt. I want to scream at my job for not training me on new rides (really, it's been almost four months). I want to dance in my underwear because I've made it. I want to yell at my schoolwork for never ending.  I want to kidnap my girlfriends so that they'll actually spend time with me. I want to be 21 so I can go out for drinks after work with my coworkers. I want to date again. I actually really want to date again.

I want to feel those butterflies you get when you're meeting someone new and you're not quite sure where it will go. I want to know that someone has taken an interest in me for something other than my looks or to try to get in my pants (all ex's this means you! Off limits!). I want someone to woo me. I want to get flowers and text messages calling me babe. I want to date and go out and discover new things about someone else. I want to talk and listen and build a conversation.

I want to write. I can't write good poetry to save my life this semester because so much has happened that I can't even begin to write without word vomit ending up on the page. But maybe that word vomit is something beautiful. Just because I write really narrative poems does not mean they don't count. I wish my poetry class would stop telling me to cut the narrative. I have to say what I have to say and this is how I do it.

I want to sleep. Like just sleep without having to worry about an alarm or having somewhere to go or something to do. I want to just be.

I want to tell Kyle that I think he loved me but he didn't know how to be a grown up. I think he still doesn't know how to be a grown up. I want to tell him that his sister is a petty human being who is manipulative as shit about her world and that she needs to realize that cutting things out that you don't like is going to leave you with very few things left. And I want to tell her that keeping her child from ever meeting me because of one thing I said that hurt her feelings is silly. I want to tell her to look back on everything and to really think about how much of an impact I made in that baby's life before they were born. I want to tell her that it isn't fair that I drove her to countless appointments and felt that little foot kick so many times and that I don't get to meet her now. I want to say I feel hurt and I feel a loss. I feel like I'm missing out on something that I put in time and patience waiting for. I wanted to be a part of that child's life. I wanted to stay friends with Kelsey in all honesty. I liked her as a person. She is petty and controlling, but I can be that way too. That's why we butt heads so bad. I wanted to help her handle that baby. I wanted to be a refuge when her mother gets crazy. But I can't. And I will respect that. But I am grieving a loss.

I want to build a life where I am now. And that's exactly what I'm doing. I want to get into grad school so I can stay in this apartment. I love where I live. I want to get a full time job at the mall so I can make enough money to stay once my student loans run out. I want to continue thriving because I feel like I have been through so much, if I can stand tall and succeed after all of that, it will be worth it.

I know I have made mistakes and I have hurt people. I know I will continue making mistakes because I'm human. But that's the beauty in a mistake. You can learn from it and move on. I have wasted so much time in my life wallowing in my bad feelings and the situations life has thrown at me. But now, I feel happy. Genuinely happy. I know now that no matter what, the sun will still come up tomorrow and I will never stop trying until I kick the bucket. I have tons to live for. I have a whole world awaiting me and I want to make the most of it. I am working hard to do well and I know it will pay off in the long run. Because looking back at these last couple months, I am proud I haven't given up and I am proud that I keep moving forward and conquering whatever life throws my way.

Sleep. School. Social Life.Work. Pick Three.

I have worked 40 hours since Saturday. I have slept maybe a total of 15 hours since Saturday. I have gone to school full time this whole week. And I've finished all my homework miraculously. I've seen my friends two days this week, but I've made a wonderful set of new friends at work so I guess working doubles as a social life sorta. So my pick three has been at the expense of my sleep. Which has now come to bite me in the ass, because, guess what?! I'm sick. Yepp. I work 30 hours in the next three days and I'm sick.  Ugh. Oh and did I complain about my hour and a half commute each way? Oh I forgot to mention that? well yeah. So I'm running low on fuel. I just want to sleep. But I can't. I just have to keep in mind that this craziness will end next week when I'm in my apartment finally. Just gotta keep chugging along until then. Then I can go buy my kitten. Cuddle up with it. Sleep to my hearts content and catch up on my tv shows and homework. Only one more week of insanity..

Bruises will fade

In my life recently, it has seemed that every second I feel like I'm going in the right direction and I can actually make it, the other shoe drops. Now I  don't mind getting hit in the face by life crap because it just causes a bruise that fades in time and you learn to duck sooner next time. However, the latest life crap scared the living daylights out of me like no ones business.

I got in a car accident last night. The air bags deployed and I quite literally thought I had died for a second. I was so terrified. I was so amazed I came out with just a few bruises and a little sore. I thank God with all my heart that I was wearing my seatbelt.

This whole experience has slapped my face and showed me that I need to slow down in my life. Trying to work and school and social life and family and sleep and drive was slowly headed me to a crash. I didn't think it would be literal, but I guarantee you my level of exhaustion had something to do with the crash. And yes, I was on the phone with my brother. I know now I will never ever ever look at my phone ever while the car is even turned on. Not worth it.

So I'm slowing down. I'm catching up. Missing work to recover sucks for my paycheck, but two days off probably means a lot more productivity than if I had just gone back to work.

Maturity

I got called mature today by an old friend for how I handled the break up of my engagement to Kyle. I have been relatively mature about the whole thing. I mean I don't want to marry someone who isn't right for me. I definitely didn't want to marry into his family. So I did the right thing. I never really saw it as mature, but just as the thing that had to be done. So I guess in a way maturity is being able to distinguish your feelings from the logic and reality of life. Huh.

My Rant About Parents and Cellphones

So working at the Mall of America as a ride operator is a great job for the most part. I get paid to push a button all day. Easy job. Working on kiddie rides, I can't even begin to count the amount of parents I come into contact with every day. Lately, I have gotten so frustrated with parents and their cellphones. I have to constantly get on the microphone to tell parents to put away their cellphones while riding rides with their kids. Some of them are taking pictures and I'll get to that, but the parents who are so tied to the grown up world that they can't keep their phone in their pocket to ride a ride and watch their  child smile are disgusting! What kind of a parent ignores their child so they can check facebook, let alone ignores their kid while on riding on a machine operated by college students! I'm responsible and I do my job well, but parents come on! Your kid is only a kid once. Enjoy those smiles and giggles as they ride. Laugh with them. I watch kids look to their parents with a huge smile on their face only to be disappointed because mommy/daddy is too busy on their phone to even see their child looking at them. I know I'm not the first person and I won't be the last to complain about this, but it bothers me.

The other really annoying thing is those parents who are too busy taking pictures of their kid to actually enjoy the ride. I want to just scream at them "stop trying to capture the moment and live it instead!". I bet if you weren't shoving a camera in the poor kids face you wouldn't have to tell johnny or susie to smile and I bet they would smile at you like you're an angel for taking them on fun rides and giving them so much loving attention. Kids aren't going to care about a picture of them as a 1 year old on the carousel at Nickelodean Universe, but they are going to care about the relationship you build with them so that when they're 20 or 30 and they have their own kids and they take them to the mall someday they're going to remember how much fun it was being with their parents and they are going to give the gift of parental adoration and attention to their own children.

That's all I've got to say, so parents, get off your cellphone!

I'm fine!

How come a simple question can drive me crazy? I swear though, if one more person asks me if I'm ok or tells they're sorry I'm going to lose it. I am fine. I don't want to talk about it.

I know I broke off my engagement and got horribly verbally assaulted by his mother and I know I had to move home. I know because I lived it. So stop telling me it must suck. Guess what? It does suck. Sometimes I just want to scream at my own life right now. But its my life. Its the only one I got and I'll be damned if I let a shit break up hold up my life.

So no I'm not ok really but I will say I'm fine. I am fine. I am living. I am thriving. I am in a better situation now than I was before. So yes I lost someone that I love but you know what? I still have good memories. He and I are on great terms. Honestly. I have a wonderful family that is here for me 110%. I have good friends. I have challenging classes. I have a job I enjoy. I am blessed in so many ways. I actually thank God for bringing Kyle in my life because now I know what real love feels like and I know what I need from a partner. So I will be ok.

So please, stop asking if I'm ok. I'm fine. I swear.

Just a Pendulum

My feelings are a pendulum right now. One minute I'm ok and I'm confident that I'll get my life together and the next I'm near tears and shaking randomly because I'm scared about where my life is going and I miss Kyle like crazy. I'm tired of the back and forth. I always know what I want and right now I don't and it's terrifying.

Finding a New Balance

Right now, I am finding my new balance in life. It is hard to drive everywhere, but good. I love my job and I love school. I love Kyle too so life is pretty good.

It's a balance to learn and it will all change again soon enough, but for right now I feel like I am in a good place.

Upside Down Inside Out

My life has changed so drastically in the last week that I still haven't really grasped it all. I went from being engaged and living with the love of my life to being single and moving back to my parents to being just in a relationship and living at my parents to being in a relationship and staying part time with Kyle. The catalyst of all of this was Kyle's mother screaming at the top of her lungs in my face, calling me a "spoiled little school bitch" and saying that I should be checked into a mental institution. I yelled back because she backed me into a corner. I don't feel bad. I couldn't live there with her. I tried to get Kyle to have her leave, but he didn't pick me. Instead I got booted out. Now Kyle and I are rebuilding a relationship that was so burdened down by the mass amount of life around it that it's gasping for air now. We're enjoying each other and doing our best to make us the best. I do still want to get our own place like we had agreed to do at the end of the lease. That means I have three months of this craziness before we can live happily ever after. That is if Kyle keeps that plan. The way things look, he will probably still choose his mother and continue enabling her poor behavior. I'm still appaled at Kyle for not stepping in and telling his mom to back off. He should have protected me. That should have been the end of it for him, but she won. She always wins. I can't stand her. I have no respect for the woman. I wouldn't even blink if she were to disappear. She is a horrible human being and doesn't deserve the dirt off the bottom of my shoe let alone the love and affection of her son when she treats me, who was his FIANCE, like a sac of garbage. It reflects poorly on Kyle too for not making a better choice and failing to stick up for me. So now,  we're in this mess. I am trying to have faith that it will end ok, but right now I just feel so baseless and like I just don't know which way is up or down.

Will I ever feel ok?

Just feeling like my life isn't going in the right direction. I was getting married now I'm not. I was living with friends this year, now I'm not. I was working a retail job, now I'm not (that one is ok though). I feel like my life has just gotten turned upside down and I'm scrambling to land right side up. I know what I want. I know what I need. I'm happy with Kyle and he's happy with me, but I'm so afraid that king, his army battle buddy, will never like me and thus Kyle will never marry me. I can't shake the feeling like its not me that's the problem with getting married. I know Kyle wants us to last and I do too so that I'm ok with waiting to be sure of, but I also know Kyle respects kings opinion and right now, king doesn't like me. He probably is annoyed at ne calling Kyle. He's probably annoyed with me texting Kyle. He's probably annoyed that Kyle and I love each other because from what I can tell, the only woman king respects and cares about is his mom and even that is a stretch. So really... I'm afraid I'll never get the happy ending I dream about. I'm afraid that Kyle won't ever see me in the place in his life that I want to be. I'm scared that I will be abandoned by the man I love because his dumb friend can't get over Kyle being happy with someone and loving them as much as they both love the army.

Just Keep Swimming

I'm doing the right little fishy thing (I'm a pisces, it's an appropriate pun) and I just keep swimming. I could worry and I could fret. But really? It's not worth it. Kyle and I will either be ok or we won't. Mary said I'm putting in too much effort for not enough payback but I don't know how to be with someone and not give my all. Yes, I'll talk to Kyle and tell him I feel like he could do more,but I will never stop trying. That's who I am. You can ask me to quit, but unless I'm ready to quit, I won't give up. I go after the things I want in life and I work hard at what matters to me. That's how I've accomplished so much with school and personal growth. I'm determined to make the best of my life.

Daydreaming

I love my job. Its tiring. Its long. Its frustrating. But the one thing its not is boring. Yes I can think because the button pushing is monotonous but its active enough that I don't over think. That, I love.

Kyle and I are good. We haven't talked since he left but he's sent texts and let me know I'm still being thought of. We need to work on communicating better when he's away but we're still learning.

Well my break is done. Off to screaming children and inner peace.

Back to Normalcy

Life is back to normal for these two days when Kyle is home. It's good to feel safe and comfortable in our relationship again. We aren't out of the woods by any means. We have plenty to work on, but I'm feeling confident that whatever our outcome may be, it will be the right one.

It's nice to be missed and to hear him say I love you again now that he's home. I know that when he's gone this next time (3-17) I will have to work to make sure that I don't lean on him too much when he's gone. I know I need to stay busy and I have plans to do so. I love Kyle so much and I'm willing to work on the flaws in myself that cause us difficulty. I also know that these parts of my personality need to change regardless of a man. I have to work on bettering myself as a person and in doing so I will hopefully show Kyle that I'm not as broken as I first appeared.

I am ready for the challenges I will face as an Army wife. I hope that in these next two trips when Kyle is away that he will see that I can be the wife he wanted and that we will make it together. I am hoping that we still get married in January, but if we postpone it, I'm ok with that too. I'd rather be happy and not married than married and unhappy.

We're on the right track!

I will still be getting married! :) its on hold right now but Kyle and I are ok again. We're working on things and it will be alright! :) thank the lord!

Is Love Enough?

There comes a point in every relationship we have with another human being where we have to ask ourselves, is love enough? Is love enough to look past faults and mistakes? Is love enough to bandage hurt feelings? Is love enough to bridge a communication gap? Is love enough to cross time away and unreachability? Is love enough?

For me, love is and always has been enough. There is one case where it was not. (see all unfortunate tales of Chris for that story). But all other times, if I love you or in some cases love myself, it is enough to keep on. Love was enough for me to continue with college when I hated my professor. Love was enough to get up the courage to seek out a job, now I have two. Love was enough when family is far away. Love is enough when Katie comes and goes like a Minnesota winter. Love is enough that I built a relationship with a family that wasn't mine, now I can't see my life without them. Love is enough when army calls for duty. Love is enough when time is full and a phone call is missed. Love is enough that I looked past rationality and decided to get married. Love is enough that I drove myself to the hospital when I cut open my head tonight. Love is enough that I won't give up without trying. Love is enough for me.

Loving Kyle is not easy. Our relationship had its honeymoon stage, but it has come and gone. We jumped quickly into shared finances and mutual space. We have signed a contract together for cell phones. We bought a bed together. Our lives are linked in tangible ways now. I've invested in this relationship. I threw my heart and soul into this relationship because I believed, and still do believe, that this is right. I feel right with Kyle. I know that at the end of the day, no matter how bad we fight or how much we've hurt, that love is enough. When I say I love you to Kyle, in a way, I am saying he is enough.

I feel like our relationship is enough and deserves to be treated as such. If that means putting our wedding on hold. Fine. If that means disregarding all the past discussions and disagreements and misunderstandings and communication hurdles. Fine. I love him enough that I will do my best to get back to a place where love is enough and above the crap life deals out. I love him enough that I want to get back to a place where the end of the day is met with joy and comfort in laying with the one I love, not fear of another fight. I feel like love is enough for me to move past my fears of kyle being away. I feel like love is enough that ten weeks is only a small bump in the path we live together. I feel love is enough that I want to try and I don't want to give up.

I don't know if love is enough for Kyle. I don't know if what I feel is enough is enough for him. I don't know if he will say love is enough. But if he doesn't, I can't change that. Yes I will be sad. I will feel lost and alone. I will have to drive 45 minutes to work and I will have to sleep in our bed alone (I get the bed. no discussion). We will have to establish the phone payment system. I will need to move my things into my parents. I will have to take off the engagement ring that reminds me that love is (was) enough. I will have to lose a second family. A future mother in law who has (after quite the trial) taken me in as a daughter. I will lose a sister that has been more like a sister to me than mine ever has. I will lose a puppy who cuddles with me when I'm sad. I will stand to lose so much. But if love isn't enough for him, it won't be enough for me.

I don't know what he stands to lose besides a bed. I don't know what else he would lose besides me. No one to do laundry or dishes. No one to keep the finances organized or to keep bills paid on time. No one to eat Denny's with at odd times of day. No one to hold at night. No one to share movies with. He will lose a companion. But if love isn't enough for him, it won't be enough for me.

Love is never easy. Love that is easy isn't real. I want to work through the issues and problems to come out stronger together. I want to fight for the love I feel. I want him to fight for the love we share. But if love isn't enough, he won't fight. If love isn't enough now, it never will be. If love isn't enough then I guess the time, however short, that we've spent together has to be enough. The memories of love have to be enough in love's absence. In time, love will grow again. If love isn't enough, Kyle has shown me that it is ok to ask for what you deserve and that love will grow where needed. If love isn't enough, I know in my heart that my love for Kyle will never fade. It will just become a love that once was. Like a tree that had potential to grow, but just got bogged down by too many vines, our love would have had potential, but the disagreement choked out the joy and without joy it will not grow.

So I pose the question. Is love enough? I only hope that with careful pruning and attentive care, that our tree can grow tall and strong and look back in its rings someday and see the time it struggled and watch the struggle turn into a future.

Is love enough?

Slowly getting better

I'm slowly getting better at this being an adult thing. It's not easy by any means, but I can do it. I'm tired constantly and with Kyle gone I can hardly sleep. I can't feel comfortable here again yet because our place is now inhabited by his mother too. Five people in a two bedroom apartment is insane. The only space I have that's just mine is my little 11x12 room. And even that is mine and Kyle's. My closet is in the hallway for pete's sake!

My calming force is gone when everything is in flux here. I can take care of myself, don't get me wrong, but he makes it so much easier.

Hard times

I can't sleep. I feel sick. I miss him like crazy. I need to pull myself together but I just am having such a hard time. I need him to hold me. I didn't realize how much that has been helping me. I just feel so alone.

It's only been like 14 hours...

Kyle has only been gone for 14 hours and I already wish he was home. The next two weeks are going to be long ones. I start my second job on tuesday. I work on Wednesday. I have more new job training on Thursday. I'm already feeling burdened and my calming force is gone. To top it all off, I crashed his car into a cement barrier today after dropping him at the airport which made life sooooo great. Not. But Kyle is a kind and loving man and was only concerned with my safety and making sure I was ok. I feel horrible, but nothing to be done at this moment. Thank goodness he has two cars.

I'm tired, but I don't want to crawl in our bed alone. It just feels so empty without him. Kahlua helps, but a dog can only do so much...

Hopefully keeping busy will help me.

Heart On My Sleeve

I have always worn my heart on my sleeve. I get hurt easily and things crawl under my skin like it's not any trouble at all. Most of the time, I'm ok with it. I know I am emotions first and that is how I've always been. But sometimes, I just wish I could take things in without getting hurt. I've been struggling with Kyle's relationship to his family. We live with his sister and his mother is always around. Ana Bella and I patched up our relationship and I like how things are now. However, Kyle's relationship with his mom is a struggle for me. For him, they don't spend any time together. Yet she is over all the time. His relationship with her and his sister has been one where he would take them out and go on family dates. Time isn't spent together unless it's only them together. I'm close with my mom, yet I have adapted my relationship to accomodate for Kyle. Kyle hasn't seemed to do that in return. This has been causing such a fight between the two of us and I'm at my wits end. I want to feel comfortable with him and his family, but I can't because I will always be cut out for them to find time together. I don't understand why they need to be alone. I don't understand why Kyle feels the need to cut me out. I don't understand why this issue makes me want to rip my hair out and simultaneously punch his lights out (though I would never actually hurt him).

I don't understand why I feel so threatened by their time together. I'm not jealous because I know he will come back at the end of the night. I do feel excluded and that can be causing part of this difficulty, but it isn't that simple. I've racked my brain trying to figure out why I feel this way, but I just don't know.

Kyle babies his sister a lot. She is 6 months pregnant, the time for her to be babied is long past. I understand that from their past together, Kyle feels close to her and like her caregiver, but she is an adult and soon to be parent. She needs to get her shit together and Kyle needs to stop rewarding her bad behavior. When he took her to Walmart last night after she tried to walk there in the heat, he gave her exactly what she wanted. She wanted to get everyones attention all on her. She wanted to get someone to treat her like she's the queen of the world. Kyle did just that. He took her to Walmart and laughed and joked and had a merry time with her. Now she knows when she cries and runs off, he will come rescue her. This hurts me because every time he has to go catch her, and this happens a lot, he drops me. He says I am the number one thing in his life, and most of the time I believe him, but when he calls his sister babe and blows me off to take care of her, I don't really feel like he's honestly treating me like the number one. I swear to God, the next time he calls her "baby sister" or if he EVER calls her "babe" again, I will not hesitate to say, in front of whoever is there, that I am not comfortable with that. Because I'm not. I've told Kyle it makes me feel sick to my stomach when he calls her that. Something about the tone of voice makes me get this creepy incest vibe and I want to throw up.

I guess something that I think might explain the incest fear thing for me is that my siblings and I are not related by blood. It wasn't ever like unspoken that you don't date your blood. I would never date my siblings but the thought that it isn't completely incestuous always made me draw a line with my siblings. I never wanted to confuse Adam about girls and make him uncomfortable because his adopted sister was hot and in a sports bra in the house. For Kyle, that was his baby sister in a sports bra. He never looked at her that way because it was biologically and innately wrong. Their relationship is different and I don't understand. So when they are close like that and when they cuddle and go on "sibling date days" it weirds me out.

I also feel like I have such a hard time with this because I am more of the come home and relax type of person than spontaneously go out and do stuff. I'm not captain of the fun team. Kyle is. Most of the time, he brings me out of my comfort zone and we have a wonderful time, but my home is my safe and calm place. So when he comes home at night and I'm lazy and chill I can see that I wouldn't be the most fun person to spend time with. I feel threatened that his sister and his mom are more fun than me and he will want to spend all his time with them because I'm not as fun. It's a dumb fear, but a real fear.

I also worry that he is so similar to his sister and mom in attitude that my introversion will push him away. I am scared that he's going to marry me and then realize we're too different of people and leave me. I know he is scared that something is going to be too much for me and I'll leave. But the simple fact is, I won't ever leave. I am one of the most loyal and devoted people you will ever meet. He could break me into a thousand pieces and I would still stand by him. It isn't logical, but I really do love him.

He and I are opposites more often than we are the same. But that is also why we work so well. I love him with all my heart and I want to fix this so that I don't feel so bad every time he takes off to spend time away from me with them. I wish I could understand why sharing time isn't good enough for them. I wish I could understand why he won't stand up to his sister and tell her that he can't be her be all end all. I wish I could just blink and not even feel anger or pain when he talks so lovingly about his sister or mom. I wish I could be a better person and that this wasn't so hard for me. I most of all wish that he will continue being patient with me to allow me to overcome this. I just want to get back to a time when he comes home and we don't fight before bed. I feel like it's always my feelings getting hurt and me yelling for him not preventing it or not changing what is hurting me. Honestly, he rescues everyone else from their demons, why won't he rescue me from mine?

Growing Up Is Hard

I'm out on my own (for the most part) and it's hard. I'm constantly feeling broke and like I won't ever make enough money to pay back my student loans. I'm struggling to make ends meet. But really, I couldn't be happier. I am proud of myself for working hard to make things work. I am proud of the man standing by my side for never letting me down or ever worry that we won't make it. I am lucky to have a life where I can work and learn to be on my own without having ever been thrown out or left to find my own way. I sincerely thank the people who have helped me because they have let me see that you can make it even when times are tough.

Being a big kid now

So I am now the proud holder of my own phone plan. I have a job. I'm going to school. I'm planning a wedding. I'm helping my pregnant soon to be sister in law. I've patched things up with my future mother in law. My life is going pretty well. I don't want to rock the boat.

However, I am worried. I don't get many hours at my job. I need something else to help keep bills paid. When my student loans come in, I get a living expense so I can use some of that I hope to help until I get a real full time job. Luckily, I have an amazing man by my side to help and my family if I ever fell on my face. I feel blessed.

I never wanted the whirlwind life and now things have settled into a comfortable rhythm. Hopefully it stays this way for awhile.

Falling Into Place

Found a place to get married. Got a job. Kyle should be home from drill in a few hours hopefully. Buying the Across The Universe soundtrack because it makes me happy. Also if someone really loves me they should buy me the delux box set of all the beatles albums. It's only 180 bucks on amazon.. Any takers? lol

So now I'm off to figure out job and school stuff. Ta Ta!

Slipping

I didn't want to get a place with my mother in law. I thought I could suck up my feelings for a year. But after talking with her last week I realized I would be putting myself in a position to get hurt if I lived with her. She told me to move home and not get married. That deeply hurt my feelings. So I changed my mind. I told Kyle I can't do it. Because I can't. I felt miserable after that talk. But I feel worse now.

She came over again last night to talk. She wanted me to reconsider. I calmly defended my point and she kept pushing. In the end, I just got fed up trying to be nice and told her my opinion. I don't think a parent should rely on their child to rescue them. I don't think a grown woman should do that. I didn't like being bullied and I don't feel comfortable living with or near her. I said if she just needs a little time then she should go to a women's shelter until she's up on her feet. Not use her children for that. It is not their job. I tried so hard to leave Kyle out of this. But at the end, she asked him what he really thought about this. He stood by me and I feel like absolute poop for getting him into that position. I almost wanted to up and leave so none of this would happen again because of me. But I don't want to leave Kyle. I love him with my whole heart. She then proceeded to storm off and leave. She said she had finally met her match. Then when I said I didn't want Kyle to have to choose she said "yes you did. You finally got what you wanted". That isn't true. I wanted to say no to living together then move forward in a healthy relationship with her. But that wasn't an option for her. She had to try manipulating the situation.

I held my ground and I'm glad I did. I'm just slipping now on my hold of everything. I feel depressed so deeply I didn't want to move to pee this morning. I keep flashing back to her yelling and I'm tormented by the position I got Kyle into. I feel so so horrible because I promised I would never do that to him. I appreciate him standing behind me with my choices and everything so very much. But I feel like he shouldn't have to pick a side. And worst of all is that I don't know how to make it any better.

Wow

Mother in laws are hard. More later.

The road is a long and winding one...

After countless hurdles and people telling us no, the perfect wedding scenario in my head is just no longer a reality. I won't be getting married this summer. While I'm sad for  variety of reasons I'm not sad about putting it off. Its the right thing to do and gives me and Kyle a far better chance in this difficult world.

We will be getting married on January 18th of 2014. Just in case you wondered.

His mother is a challenge. I envy those women who become close friends with their mother in laws. I probably never will have that relationship with Ana Bella because she feels as if I am stealing her son. Someone who calls their childs significant other a bitch, no matter what the context, does not deserve a place close to my heart. I bear her no ill will. I wish her happiness and I hope she can get to a place where she doesn't rely on others for her happiness. However, its not my job to rescue her and move in with her so she can be happy. And after how she treated me and made me feel, I don't want that at all.

It was only after her involvement that we decided to postpone our wedding. She is manipulative. I refuse to let her do that anymore.

So we postponed the wedding. I'm ok with that. I'm mad at her involvement. But that will pass in time.

I shouldn't and don't feel bad for wanting to live with my husband and only my husband once we're married. I want to start our life together and not our life with his mom. I shouldn't feel bad for asking my fiance to stand up and back me against the things she has said. I shouldn't feel like she is making my fiance love me less. That hurts me.

It has been a long week. I have moved forward and back countless times. I'm in a place now where I can optimistically look forward to our life together and I'm not afraid to stand up for what I need. Its been a long road, but I'm finally looking from the top of the hill. I see a beautiful valley ahead.

I want it back!

I got my ring sized. Got it back today. It was still too big. Brought it back in. Now won't have it for another week. I've had my ring for 3 days out of the like 14 that we've been engaged. Not cool.

On the bright side, we might be moving out of the apartment sooner. Id be happy to start our life together without crazy pregnant sister living there. Seriously, I thought I could lose it sometimes, but DAMN she wins at yelling and freaking out. Stupid butt yelled and tweaked so much last night that she got chest pains and cramping. Even the baby knows that yelling is bad!

So all in all life is still moving. Don't have much else to say.

The Wedding Buzz

So besides finals week sucking the fun out of everything, this whole getting married business is pretty darn exciting. I'm still trying to get the fiance to pin down a date, but never the less, I'm excited. We will be married and starting a wonderful life together. After I graduate and we have our big wedding, who knows where we'll go. He wants to head down to Georgia to be a drill sergeant. I want to go to grad school. We both really want kids (no need to fear, not until after I graduate at least undergraduate if not graduate school). Yeah, life has kind of revolved around wedding stuff, but yesterday we both got a little drunk to be a little silly and just had a good time. I love this man and I'm so lucky to get to spend the rest of my life with him.

Sometimes you have to sacrifice to make it work.

I'm skipping class to finish my paper for senior seminar. I looked at it again this morning and just wasn't happy with what I had. I'm slowly adding in more strong material in hopes of making it better. I feel like my paper is going to be far worse than everyone else's but in the end, I won't know. I'm trying to keep it in perspective as just a paper, but it's hard. I have to present it tonight and I'm terrified. So, it's not techinically due until next week, but we're presenting this week. I don't understand this professor at all.

So, if I fail this paper and fail this class, yeah I'll be mad, but I have to remind myself that I can always try it again (not likely) or I can change my english major to a minor and be done with it. One F on my transcript isn't going to kill me. Mom and Dad said I won't disappoint them and I know I will succeed  at my goals long term. This may just be one small failure in the process of being great.

I skipped class today. It's the last week of class. Nothing is happening. But I need the time to get this done and practice my presentation. Wish me luck.

Real Love

Kyle and Kelsey are/were fighting the last week. That explains why Kyle has been spending so much time with me and wanting me there every night. I don't mind. I love spending time with him, but I did feel a little taken advantage of when I figured this all out. I felt like Kyle took advantage of me wanting to spend time with him so that he didn't have to deal with Kelsey and not because he wanted to spend time with me. We talked about this and he reassured me that is not true. He said he likes me being with him. I said I love being with him. I love waking up in the morning to a kiss on the shoulder before he gets out of bed for work. I love hearing I love you before I fall asleep. It's amazing.

He's stuck living with Kelsey and James until December. Depending on if I get the IAS position on campus or any part time job really, I could live with him next year. We'd stay in his current apartment until the end of the year then get our own place in December. It's possible. I know I would miss living on campus, but I'm barely here now. I'd like to put down some roots with Kyle. I have such a good feeling about us and I want to see where our relationship goes. I could see myself marrying this man down the road. He's everything I need to balance me out but I'm still me and I love that. So, I'm officially on the job hunt like crazy right now. Wish me luck!

Feeling Wanted and Needed

I have gotten to see Kyle everyday for the last 4 days roughly. I love this quality time together. I feel like I'm really getting to see him as a person and I love watching our relationship grow. Everyone who has seen us together says we're really cute. I like that.

School is kicking my butt. I seriously want to quit senior seminar. Ugh.

Sunshine makes me happy.

Also, I feel like life is good and I'm letting myself accept that without waiting for the other shoe to drop. It feels good.

Uh oh

So apparently, writing a thesis then supporting it with evidence is not the way to write a paper. According to my professor, you explore the text and the thesis comes out of that exploration. I did not know this.

He proceeded to make me feel like shit by saying why that's been ok up to this point he doesn't know but I'm not supposed to ever write that way. Ever.

So now image fragile emotion Hannah in singletons office near tears trying desperately to grasp a concept that he thinks me an idiot for not knowing so he's not explaining it. That was what happened.

Thankfully, I made it out without tears, but burst into them in the hallway. I feel stupid.

wednesday

Ugh.

AHHHHHH

I dislike Kyle being sick. We don't get to talk as much and I physically hurt for him. I wish I could help and I can't and it sucks...

Also, my nails are so long now that they are affecting my ability to type. Gerr.. I refuse to cut them....

rough day

life has not given me happiness in great amounts. I have been unlucky and gotten hurt a lot. friends have left me and my heart has been crushed.

I'm jaded. I know I am. I love that song too.

because of this, I get so terrified when  good things happen. I literally have burst into tears multiple times today out of nowhere.

I love Kyle. but part of me is so scared of loving him and getting so hurt again. I just want to cry every time he holds me now. and I'm so scared of him leaving that I'm clinging so hard and it is going to wreck things. I need to find a way to reassure myself that it'll be ok.

Mak courtney and I got our triple apartment. I'm really excited! :) but also not sure because its more good news.

also this weather is killing me. I have felt so depressed I had a moment today where I seriously considered just giving up and jumping in front of a train. that concerns me.

I'm just waiting for the bad because I don't know what to do when things are this good. so its been a rough day.

ugh. monday.

Ick. It's monday. That day of the week when you just wanna curl up in bed and wish the world away. I have so much school work to do still and I'm just tired.

I love spending the weekends with Kyle. It's amazing to get to spend time with him and watch our relationship grow. However, me being me, I get very anxious when I come back to school again. I miss him and I find it hard to switch from girlfriend mode to schoolwork no fun hannah mode. It causes a noticable rise in my anxiety that I highly dislike.

Also, Kyle is sick. I wish I could make him feel better. I hate the smile being missing from his face.

Also also, I got really scared yesterday because I realized that now that Kyle knows I love him, I'm vulnerable to being hurt. I talked to him about it and it's all ok now, but the worry is still there. I just don't want to fall super in love with him then have him leave. But, I know he loves me too so it should be ok.

love

These four small letters mean so much. They tell our family how special they are. They tell us how God is unconditional. They give you the best butterflies when they come from someone you feel that way towards.

Love exists in every human tribe on earth. Poets have been trying to capture it for centuries.

I expected love to be crazy head over heels reeling into something unknown. But really, love is one of the simplest things. When you're with the right person, love just happens. It grows and strengthens from the bond you have with someone. It doesn't need grand gestures. Love is when you look at someone and in your heart you smile.

I am lucky to have found someone who loves me. I am lucky to have someone who looked me in the eye and said he's been fighting saying those three words but they almost slipped out. I am lucky to hear those three words come from him before they came from me. I am lucky to have a man who I know is going to be here for me. I love you Kyle :) happy one month and I can't wait to see where we go together.

One Month in and Going Strong

It's officially one month since Kyle and I started dating. I know it's not a big deal, but in one way it is. We now get to be dating on Facebook. Now I know that it's just the internet and who really cares anyways, right? But, it's a way for me to get it out there, to all those people that ever doubted me, that I'm in a happy relationship with someone whom I genuinely care for and who genuinely cares for me in return. So happy one month to my adorable handsome guy and I'm looking forward to adding many more months to this one.

another video cause I'm lazy and write too much homework.

I apologize for the scary face...

Consistently the best...

Kyle makes me happier than any guy I've ever known. He comes over last night and orders Dominos with me. (I have the biggest love affair with their pizza. I can't even explain). He helped me figure out a topic for my seminar paper. And this morning, when I was majorly stressing about my interview, he got me to laugh and relax and work through preparations so I'd feel better. He is consistently the best. :)

Also, I got my presentation grades back from before break... Two A's! that makes 40% of my grade now an A. Weight off my chest for sure!

So time to get dressed and deal with the rain/sleet crap outside. Fun.

Being On Time

Starting the Weekend Early!

I'm free from class on Friday and Kyle is off work so this little lady gets to spend some quality time with her bf! I know the whole sleep over thing bugs my parents, but I'm a big girl and I'm alright. I get to spend tonight, saturday, and sunday night with him. :) I'll be doing homework when he works and getting to know Kelsey better. So, it's looking like a good weekend. Plus Mak gets some quality alone time with her bed which I know she'll love.

false alarm

So this whole, back on homework not stressing out thing, totally false. I have zzero motivation. ugh!!

video blog! haha

best boyfriend ever

when his ex texted him I was worried. I couldn't understand why he felt so bad at upsetting her by dating me.

not only did we talk it out, but he then proceeded to stay awake to debunk every worry/what if scenario I could come up with so that I could be sure to get some sleep tonight instead of staying up worrying. best. boyfriend. ever. seriously.

do you know how much this means to me?? as someone who suffers from paralyzing obsessive/racing thoughts, this was the best thing someone could have done. he got me to laugh at the impossible ideas and he reassured me about the others. he put my mind to rest and I appreciate him so much for it. :)

I really am with the right guy.

Settling Back In

I love vacations. I really do. I love the traveling and the new sights. I especially love Washington so I couldn't have been on a better vacation, except for Disney, Disney always wins. But all in all, minus some bruises from falling off a ladder, the trip was great.

I'm in the process of trying to settle back in before classes resume tomorrow. I know I was only gone a week, but I feel like it's been months. I've already hit that wall with classes and I'm tired of this year. I have too much to do before it's over. Too many papers to write. Too much to think about. And too much already on the horizon that I'm working on.

I'm slowly trying to prep for the GRE. I know I won't get to go to grad school as soon as I had originally planned, but maybe that is OK  However, if that is the case, I need to start looking for a job around here that I can do to fill time and make enough money to live off of. I'm planning on this being my last summer staying at home (part time because I'll be splitting time at Kyle's). I want to get things in order so that this time next year when I'm facing graduation, I'll be able to have a plan in place for whatever comes next.

Also, being home is great because I severely missed Kyle. I know we haven't been officially dating that long, but things with him are easy. I feel comfortable but just so. I'm nervous sometimes, but that is the best kind of nervous. I'm excited to see where we go and I'm enjoying the journey without focusing on the destination. That is a lot coming from me. He picked me up from the airport and I was so happy to see him. I couldn't have asked for more in a boyfriend. I'm a lucky girl.

Tuesday

Monday was great! I prepped for painting in a recycle house. they bought it back from the family and are now redoing it for a new family.

we spent Monday evening on waterstreet which is like main street. everything was closed but it was cool. we had dinner at the house of one of the volunteers houses. it was great.

everyone is really happy to have us here.

today, I painted the recycle home. I got so messy! but I was the best painter. the professional guy said I do a better job than his workers.so that was cool.

after we made dinner at the church. then walked along the beach. it was beautiful! I took lots of pictures. I'm exhausted now. bed time!

in Washington!

sorry for bad punctuation. I'm on my phone so caps and whatnot is off.

we flew out and the flight was great! I was so excited! I started getting on maks nerves from being so childly excited. but its all good.

Seattle was beautiful weather. I just wanted to stay there and enjoy such clean air!

the drive to port townsend was 2 hours which sucked, but we're all settled in now. I'm excited to start tomorrow! well technically today! Haha

also I got to talk to Kyle a bunch so that made me super happy! :) he's such a sweetheart! he made sure to ask if I was ok after panicking last night. it was nice to hear him ask! :) its going to be hard not being able to talk to him as much when we're here. but it'll make seeing him that much better when I get back! plus he said he'd take me out on a date since he'll be getting his tax return and work bonus :) I kinda like that boy :)

well I should sleep. busy day coming up!!

Why am I being so critical?

I am having a wonderful time with Kyle. He's amazingly sweet. He's funny. We get along real well.

Yet in my head, I'm critical of everything that isn't just like I want it. I'm frustrated with how he tells me about his day then when I go to talk about mine he seems to not listen. Often times, I'll say something like "you know?" and he just doesn't answer. I can hear him talking to Kelsey (his sister) in the background half the time we're on the phone. It's dumb, but like if you call me to talk, talk to me, don't just expect me to sit there on the phone saying nothing. I mean, he may do that because he's comfortable with me and just likes to know I'm there to talk to. It's sweet. I love how much we talk. However, I would like him to pay a little bit better attention to what I'm telling him. We're still getting to know things about each other and I'd like to build good communication too. That being said though, whenever an issue arises, he always very calmly talks it out with me. I respect that so much. It makes me feel so much better whenever we talk like that because I know we're both communicating and working through things. I guess, the every day talk could be a little bit more attentive on his end. I am a big "let's talk about it" kind of person. I spent an hour last night talking things out with Mom. I'd love to be able to turn to him sometime and say "here's what's on my mind.." and have him listen attentively and then help me work through it. It's early, but if he is going to be with me for any length of time he's got to come to the realization that I need to talk stuff out. Even if it is just telling about the cute dress I bought at the mall and how I'm excited for him to see it. (I think I've told him that three times already, but he hasn't acknowledged it yet). I have no complaints when we're together. I have no troubles with anything but the on the phone conversation where I just don't feel heard. Hopefully he gets it sometime.

I also have to acknowledge that I may be looking for trouble because every boyfriend I've had hasn't really been this great by any means. So, I may be critical, but I think the frustration is real. It may just be that I discovered this annoyance by prodding for problems, but regardless of how I discovered it, it is there. I'm sorry Kyle. I'm obsessive and my brain goes wacky sometimes. Poor guy is going to run away screaming someday.

School is crazy right now. The amount of things I'm expected to do over break is crazy and I'm gone so it has gotten crammed into the little time before and after I leave. It's stressful.

Also, for those readers out there who don't know, I'm putting off grad school for a year after I graduate. I just don't have the time to study for the GRE to a point where I feel confident at the moment. I know where I want to apply and what I need to do for it. All the research is done, but I need a little time to collect myself after graduating a year early so I can settle myself into grown up life. I'm unsure about moving away at the moment anyways. I don't mean to be cheesy, but I also would like to give Kyle and I time to grow before just running off and having to break things off. If we're still together when the time comes to make those choices, then we can talk about it and maybe work it out so we can stay together. I want to be sure that everyone is aware that I'm not holding up my plans for him. And I sure as hell won't change my plans for him, but I am considerate of him being in my life. Anyways, that is a good year from now.

So, I leave for Washington in like 8 hours. The good excitement has finally settled in. I'm giddy about getting on that plane and having an adventure. Building houses will be hard work, but it is the most rewarding kind of work I could be doing.

I will try to post updates on here so that everyone can stay in the know without me having to tell the story twelve times. Kyle hasn't gotten my blog yet, but I might send him a link so all you readers out there be nice to the new member! :P

Now to finish up some homework and away I go!! :)

I leave tomorrow.

I'm off to Washington to build houses for habitat for a week. I won't be able to keep in contact much, but I'm going to enjoy the trip. I deserve fun for once. I deserve some distance.

I find it funny that senior year of high school, I ran off to Washington. Now, it just so happens that I'm stressed and anxious here now and off to Washington I go.

Enjoy the springtime.

Why NOW!!?

Stupid anxiety... this is just getting worse and worse as time goes on. I have tried all my old anxiety tricks and nothing is working. My heart feels like its racing most of the day. It is hard to breath normal. I'm constantly hot or cold. I have no appetite. This is ridiculous. If I knew what it was I would fix it, but I've got nothing. :( I just feel like I'm slowly dying. I should be over the moon about the new relationship and my trip to washington. I should be excited that I'm doing well in classes. I should be happy with no worries. Why now does my anxiety get so horrible??

Let It Be

The beatles rock. Let it be. :)

Anxiety Always Wins

No matter how good of a moment I am having, there is anxiety. Anxiety about the next test. The weather. My friends. Grades. Family. Am I going the right direction? Did I close the window enough before I left? Will I get into grad school? Will things with Kyle stick or will I find myself heart broken again?

Even in his arms, I just felt anxious. But, I forced myself to take a breath, let it out, and curl in tighter. I haven't told him how much I worry. It will only push him away. My worries are my problem. Part of being a partner in a relationship is knowing how to take care of yourself so you can be there for the other person. It isn't easy. But, this time around, I'm trying to keep my worries down and my chin up. I'm trying to be the dependable one not the dependent one. I will always jump to conclusions when I don't receive a text or a call. That's who I am, but I won't let those feelings interfere with something so good.

So anxiety always wins, but I won't let it win everything. In my head is fine, but not outside.

Uh Oh

So... Kyle called after drill. It was great to hear him. :)

He was telling me about how he wants to be a drill sergeant. To do this, he'd have to go away to "school". Then it would be working fulltime like 18 hour days. I said go for it. I want him to be happy and I know it's what he wants. I mentioned how I want to go away to Grad school. He said he could take me with him. I had a mini heart attack. I love how sincere and hopeful he is. I feel so guilty now though. In my head, I just kept thinking... now is the time to cut your losses and run. You don't want to get in too deep and then get hurt again Hannah... But somehow, I can't. I like him. And we have time before those things happen. Sure, it's scary, but I know it could work out and be so amazing.

I feel like a grown up and a child all at the same time. And I don't know which is worse.

past, present, future

dear Hannah in 2011,

you were finishing high school this year. you were in so much pain. your insides felt so broken. I know the agony that walking through the halls caused you. I know how you skipped every football game. I know how you avoided prom. I know how you walked with your head down and tears streaming down your face. but I also know how much you grew as a person that year. you helped tiffany so much. you were kind and faithful in a world that treated you like nothing. you proved them all wrong. you graduated honorably. you got into a perfect school for you. you made new friends and started over. you still loved a boy though. in 2011, you still believed that he would always love you. two year later, I'm here to tell you he doesn't. I'm here to tell you I'm proud of how much you have over come. and I'm proud of your dedication and perseverance. you make it some day. I promise.

dear Hannah of 2013,

you graduate next year. you are working so hard and have such big goals. you have a very sweet boyfriend who is pretty cute if I do say so. you have a best friend again. she's your roommate and the two of you are hilarious together. you are smart and are learning how to handle life as it comes. you still believe in love, but you know now that it isn't going to make or break the world. you learned how to love yourself first. you are working on boundaries right now. sometimes you get excited and say too much. but sometimes you get scared and say not enough. you are happy. you are also very lucky to have so many people who love you for you. never doubt that.

dear Hannah in 2015,

hopefully I find you in grad school getting your masters to be a psychologist. or maybe you are in the peace corps now. either way, I hope you are working towards something. I wonder if you are still dating Kyle. if you are, wow, congrats. that's two years. good job. I hope you are happy if you are with someone (Kyle or otherwise) or if you are single don't feel pressure. you are only 22. you have years to fall in love and get married. or maybe you got married already. who knows. I just hope you can look back on everything and smile, knowing that you've made it wherever you are and you're going somewhere wherever that may be.

I'm a lucky girl

I have been lucky enough to find a man who genuinely likes me. I have gotten the chance to be someone's someone. I never thought I would be here after high school. But, I'm proud to say I've got me a legit BOYFRIEND! and he's cute so that's a bonus. plus he lets me do my type a thing as he flows on with his type b thing. :) going to bed ten times happier than before.

also, I prayed tonight. it felt good.

Struggling

There is so much in my head right now. I don't even know where to start to work towards goals. Things are so intertwined. I desperately need no homework and just one day to close my eyes for five minutes without thinking. I'm so buried in coursework right now that I am actually behind. I never get behind in class. I actually forgot to do some homework the other day. I felt so bad for forgetting. I'm not the student that forgets. I'm the student who always turns things in weeks early.

I have been enjoying hanging out with Kyle lately. I really like him. He makes me laugh and we get along so well. He's not afraid to tease me and I love how it just makes everything between us so much fun. I haven't felt this way about anyone in a long time. I'm not ever sure what to do with him. I don't know how to be in a grown up relationship. I don't know what I'm doing. Despite that terrifying me, it's exhilarating. However, Kyle does happen to get in the way of my sleep usually and thus affects my performance in class and on homework. I don't want him to go away. I just need to get my type A ass in gear and get a schedule working. But, Kyle is the go with the flow guy so he has a tendency to avoid plans. Strange how the opposites attracted here.

Today, I sat down at my computer and something just called me to play Christian music. I just felt this need to feel God or the universe or whatever close to me. I'm trying to find someplace I can ground myself amid all the hectic life around me. I know I have left God seemingly far behind. I have made choices he would not agree with. However, I am a human. I make mistakes. I follow a whim and end up in a bad place sometimes. But someone once told me, "If you ask God for forgiveness and mean it, he will grant it". I don't know how true that is. And the threat of hell if he doesn't forgive me doesn't scare me. I'll be dead. What'll I know? But I want the peace that comes from knowing that someone in this world listens and doesn't judge. Psychologically speaking, I'm dealing with a bit of confusion over my feelings for Kyle because the last time I felt like this was with Chris and look how well that turned out. I'm trying very hard to hold the scary, needy, annoying, persistent, and easily hurt Hannah inside and it's slowly killing me. I'm also stressing about school and that in turn makes me anxiety bad and my depression comes back. I can feel it sinking into my being and I hate that. I know I should stop and relax so I don't lose it. I just can't right now. I know I'm not going to have another senior year moment, but the terror and those feelings are inside me. I can't shake them and that scares me. I will talk to Mary about this on Tuesday, but in the mean time, I'm on my own.

I Think I Have A Boyfriend?

So, I worked up my courage last night while Kyle was over to ask him if we could be officially dating. He ignored me question at first which annoyed me. But, then he starts by saying "I don't have a fear of committment". In my head I'm thinking oh boy great start here Hannah. Then he follows up and says not right now because there supposedly are "vultures circling" his facebook page. I wittily responded with "I never said on facebook, I'd have to break up with Mak on there and that would break her heart" Then, (I'm a little confused here because I have poor hearing and he was whispering) he said then I suppose I could be your boyfriend. At least, that's what I think I heard. I don't really know how to ask and confirm this without sounding like a) a creep b) needy c)stupid. So, I'm thinking I just let it go, but in the mean time I can think in my head that I've got me a boyfriend. I think?

Some memories don't have to hurt.

I'm learning the joy of taking a memory in stride. I have lived through many moments of strong emotion, both good and bad. Music and sounds and smells will remind me of high school or that old ex. Sometimes I remember being a kid and just playing in the yard. I used to read so much into everything I would remember. I'm just taking it for what it is. I never knew how pleasant it can be to just take it in and let it go without obsessing first. :)

Good Times

I went on a date. Yes, you heard that right. And even more amazing, I let go of my obsessive worry wart tendencies and just stayed in the moment. It was wonderful. I haven't laughed and enjoyed getting to know someone like that in ages. He asked to see me again. He said he would like me to see his parents house sometime. Things are looking really great here. He's sweet. He opened doors for me. He paid for dinner. He had manners and didn't talk with his mouth full. He is awesome. I just had to share my happiness with the world a little bit over here in my corner of the internet. :)

Getting crafty

I needed a headband. So I whipped one up out of an old tee shirt and a hair band. :)

Burned out

I feel so incredibly burnt out with school right now. This week has seemed to drag the whole way through, despite meeting a new guy (he's super cute btw). I know I'm pushing myself really hard and I know I will do well enough come the end of the semester. It just seems like right now I'm constantly 3 steps behind some homework and 3 steps ahead in others. I can't find a place where it is all getting done. I'm smart and have done the easy homework first to alieviate that burden, but the difficult senior level course work haunts me every day. I wake up and read, I got to class eat class read dinner read a little tv to numb my brain then bed. I am bogged down by the sheer level of this coursework. I know I can handle it, I've received good grades on the first presentations and decent grades on my first papers. I just haven't the will to move forward. But I don't want to quit. I just want a week off before spring break. I am gone all of spring break so thats no break. I just need like 3 days of peace. If only...

Too Busy Trying to Participate

So I love the movie perks of being a wallflower. It is a movie about real life and I respect that. The movie ends with the main character penning off a final letter to his penpal. He says sorry if I can't write for awhile. I may be too busy trying to participate. That's how I feel with my blog right now. Sorry if I don't post, but I might just be too busy trying to participate. Anyways, you loyal readers could call me anytime and I would love to catch up.

birthday approaching

well I successfully made it through Valentines day. I ended it alone in the dark watching titanic and crying my little eyes out but I was happy.

now, my 20th birthday is just around the corner. Sunday to be exact. now I know this birthday isn't that big but I will no longer be a teen. I am entering the official sphere of young adulthood. exciting. presents can be sent to Hamline :) lol

Quick pre-valentines update

I have no valentine. If anyone wants to change that you have one hour before I commence single awareness festivities. Of which include getting chocolate wasted. I would get the other kind of wasted, but I only like wine and I'm poor and underage. so chocolate will do. I accept valentines of both genders and I'm not opposed to accepting presents. I have cool kid valentines that are pirates of the Caribbean and they have pencils. Much love world.

Hands In All The Honey Pots

Hannah has her hands in all the honey pots. I have never been one to jump into things or really be involved in anything outside of academics. In a way, I still am just within the realm of academics. But, I've been jumping at every opportunity lately. Whether it be because I recognized that I need to build up my resume or if I just felt like I've sat idly by long enough.

I have taken on a senior seminar course this semester in English about reading masculinities. I'm terrified and excited about this class. I can follow the material so far and I'm not afraid of hard work. But, I am the youngest student in the class and I am afraid I will miss something from not having taken as many classes as some of the other students. I am  determined to prove myself as worthy and capable so I work hard. I bravely took the first presentation day (next week Monday) on psychoanalytic theory. I took this date for two reasons; 1. I know psychoanalytic theory. I wrote a big paper on it. Freud entertains me. And it combines my two loves of psychology and English together. 2. I know going first will give me a sense of what to improve on for the second presentation we have. Now, I know this professor well. He is my advisor for my English major and he is amazing. He said he is looking forward to my presentation because he knows I've been engaging this material for the last 6 months basically. I feel like that has set high expectations, but it feels good. I like a challenge.

I also submitted my paper on Ender's Game and psychoanalytic theory to the ACTC English Majors conference. I doubt it will get chosen to be presented, but I feel proud of submitting.

On campus, we have an arts journal that comes out every spring called The Fulcrum. Each student can submit up to 7 pieces in either the arts or literary category. I have some poems from last semester that I feel pretty proud of and I'm thinking of working on them a little more closely, then submitting them. I will let you all know more later.

I'm in the Presidential Scholars Colloquim on campus which allows me to go to different arts events throughout the spring semester. I went to see As You Like It at the Guthrie last weekend. I'm looking forward to at least three other events this spring.

And to top it all off, I made the Dean's List last semester. So, busy as I may be, I am doing well.

I feel a little like a chicken with her head cut off, but it's nice to not think about everything so much right now. I simply don't have time for boys and my friends are already kinda doing their own thing this semester. Mak and Courtney are joined at the hip practically and I dislike third wheeling it so I spend a lot of time doing my own thing. I'm ok with it. I hope to get back into the semester and I feel like March will bring a little more time and comfort for me.

Stress does weird things to my psyche

I'm off. I feel adrift. My feet don't touch but I'm not flying.

I'm stressed out and I don't feel like myself. I feel far too quiet. My mind is unusually calm. Is this what people normally feel like? I just feel far to silent. I can't even think it out for there are no thoughts.

My scarf

So I crochet for fun. I made this scarf in like 3 hours last night. :)

Sleep and sun downing

Sleep is a fundamental part of being human. Our bodies require mass amounts of rest to function at the level they need to when we're awake. Sleep repairs tissues and resets digestion and pain. Sleep allows the mind to fold in on itself and process the stimulation and information from the day. Sleep allows production of serotonin and dopamine. It allows our brain chemistry to regulate.

Towards the end of the day, our body begins to give us signs we need sleep. We yawn and rub our tired eyes. We stretch and feel the fatigue in our bodies. Our brain releases melatonin and tells us we are tired. Our brain also begins to inhibit the function of our decision and impulse control. We lose the ability to think and act rationally as the sun sets everyday. For some this causes laughter and giddiness. For others more pensive quiet reflection. And still, for some it causes magnification of depression, feelings of loneliness, and anxiety.

In patients with dementia and alzheimers, the effect of symptoms worsening at night is called sundowning. I postulate though, that this effect happens in all people, especially those with mental health concerns preexisting.

This explains why, the later I am awake, the more I creep on Facebook on the profiles of those who have scorned, hurt, or rejected me. This explains why I feel sad when I crawl in bed. This explains the difficulty in holding the pain inside long enough to fall asleep without crying sometimes. I sundown every day. I am more apt to text boys I shouldn't (Chris) and say things I shouldn't (like lets hang out evil ex boyfriend that ruined my senior year and continues to be an asshole going on three years later) and be disappointed in my lack of contact at night (getting mad and begging when said asshole can't hang out (thank god)). I am then mad at myself for a poor choice that, yes I made the choice, I now regret. My defenses were down and I can try to excuse it but I can't. I made a fool of myself in trying so hard to talk to and see asshole. I am ashamed of my failure and I feel saddened by the disappointment from some readers. But life moves forward continually. I am always learning. I was doing well when his number wasn't in my phone. I feel it needs to go away again. Poof! Gone.

So sleep is vital and sundowning happens. I will get my sleep to minimize the poor choices that a tired and lonely Hannah makes.

Self-Doubt, Hard Times, and Maybe a Little Self-Hatred

I'm trying to write a proposal for the ACTC English Majors Conference. I'm struggling to find something worth submitting. I'm doubting my ability to write a decent proposal. I doubt that I will even come up with enough of anything to submit.

I've been having hard times lately. I can feel myself slowing down and my appetite is off. I have been getting headaches almost everyday. I can't sleep and I feel like I'm drifting off from the solid place I was standing on. I am aware that what I'm feeling isn't a good sign. I know this seems like I'm falling back into a bad place again. I'm fighting for myself this time. I won't let the sadness and anxiety take over and wreck what I have going for me. When I'm awake now, I try to throw myself into every opportunity. I don't want to give myself time to sit down and breathe because the minute I do, I know I will lose control over myself and I will wallow and cry and circulate my problems and ruminate on things I can't do or can't fix. Instead of allowing those flood gates to open, I'm taking one drop out of the dam at a time. I am working through problems and feelings individually. I'm trying to practice mindfulness. When I feel a thought taking over I breathe and feel my body tense at its pain. I watch objectively as my thought becomes pain in my body. I breathe it out. I reason with myself and explain why I feel what I do, then I let the thought go. There is no use in obsessing over things I can't change.

I have to admit, not having any alone time over j-term has caused a build up of stuff and I honestly think this has contributed to the discomfort I feel. But, j-term is almost over.

Now, there is a little self hatred at work here as well.  I have a tendency to get myself involved with people who aren't the best for me. I am smart, but I make dumb choices in people. I have horrible social skills. And I resent myself so  much for the way that I get so easily caught up with other people.

Lastly, I had a moment of gut wrenching, almost going to throw up, sob my heart out, sadness, emptiness, and pain. I was listening to some song on shuffle, I swear I wasn't wallowing, and I don't even remember what line it was, but something made me realize that I am scared to love someone. I am absolutely terrified to care about someone that much. And then I was so sad at this realization. I have never felt so broken in my entire life. It was like I was back on the couch at home when I barely moved and just didn't care about living at all. It took all of my efforts to stop myself and sit up and shake it off. I looked over at my desk and the sign I put up from Perks of Being a Wallflower made so much sense. "We accept the love we think we deserve." I haven't dated anyone since Chris. I haven't let anyone love me because I didn't love myself. I felt like because of where I had been, that no one should love someone as broken and sad as me. I felt like I didn't deserve anything but a passing encounter beneath the sheets of a dorm room bed. I felt like that was all I was worth because of how much I had fallen apart before. I put myself back together, sure, but I didn't  like who I was still.

I know now that I am not complete. This is not the end of a bad story. It is the middle of a great one. I am working on my flaws and I am aware that I am not perfect. No one is. I know I will make more mistakes and all this realization is helpful, but not going to fix anything. It is up to me to start loving myself like I deserve. I need to believe that I am worth something. I am worth more than being used. I am worth more than the pain I have experienced in my life. My past happened. But it's where I go from here that matters.

time for me

I'm trying to get back in the habit of making time for me. I've been suffering because I haven't been giving my needs the attention they deserve. I've been pushing myself to take care of so much and I've failed to take care of myself so I can continue working hard. I'm taking some time now and it's great. :)

Maybe?

Just one kiss. If it was only that easy. Why is it that the simplest thing, a kiss, is so hard to get the courage to do?

feeling down

I know I get down sometimes and I know I can pick myself up again in the morning. Sometimes at night, when the stars don't shine here and remind me that I'm just a little fish in this big ocean of life, I have a hard time reminding myself the morning will be brighter. I wish, on nights like this, to be 16 again. I wish to  be innocent and oblivious and head over heels in love and staring at the stars feeling like anything is possible. I wish I could visit the 17/18 year old me that used to drive down the wrong side of the road just praying for a car to come. I wish I could tell the scared and anxious elementary school kid that you will have friends. I wish, on nights like this, that I could run far far away. Far away where the lights fade and the air is the only sound I hear. If I got to  run that far, I'd lay back on soft grass and watch the stars and feel the grass slowly tickling me until I itch. I'd make wishes on falling stars that something wonderful would happen. I'd dream of memories of watching stars in the arms of someone I once loved. I'd dream of someday laying in my own little yard in suburbia watching the stars with my kids showing them the magic of the world just out of our reach. I wish, on nights like this, to be a star. I wish I was strongest at night when the world falls asleep and the dreamers are making wishes. I wish I was a wish.

A movie all should see.

I watched The Perks of Being a Wallflower today. I cried for at least half of it.

This boy is depressed and then he finds these friends who make him see life is worth living. Then the girl he loves leaves for college and he falls into deep depression. He gets sent to a mental hospital and he begins to learn that our past can't change but where we go from here can change.

There's a big plot twist but I don't want to ruin it.

The best line from the movie is when Charlie, the guy, asks his teacher why people love those who aren't right for them his teacher says "people accept the love they feel they deserve". Its a beautiful lesson about loving yourself and remembering that we choose what we deserve.

All in all I felt so moved by this movie that I had to say something. Its out in February but if you can't wait find it on the internet.

Smash Book

I got a smash book journal for Christmas from my aunt. I've been  writing in there some of my more personal thoughts and complaints and it's felt good to have that stuff out without hurting anyone's feelings. I probably won't be blogging as much anymore. Oh well. Those who know me and care enough will know what's going on.

This year feels like a year of answers and personal growth. I feel like I'm going to be discovering a lot of myself this year. I even considered studying abroad for next j-term. we'll see... (Katie.. no happy dancing yet, but you put the idea in my head).

I'm not making big resolutions. I'm simply saying I want to watch what I say more and make more meaningful relationships.

2013 will be one for the books.