It's monday...

Monday is my busiest day of class. I have three classes one of which is 3hours at night. I am beyond tired today. I slept 10 full hours last night and still I'm tired. On top of class being busy, I have homework to do before I can sleep. Oh how I wish I could sleep!

Birthday Girl!

Today is my day! It's Happy Birthday Hannah Day! Everyone love on me! I'm just kidding, although presents are appreciated! ;)

I've been having an amazing week. Yesterday was a real point of importance for me and those who know me well (AKA my parents). I went to see Chris yesterday. We went to his house and hung out for a couple of hours. On the way there, he asked for Paige's number to smoke with her. I was mad. Then when we got to his house and cuddled up in his bed like old days, it just wasn't the same feeling I was expecting. I'm going to be honest and say yes, we did end up having sex. I know most of my loyal readers are hitting their computer at this point, but bear with me. It was amazing as always, but I didn't feel the same kind of love and intimacy that was there before. When I attempted to cuddle and flirt I didn't feel it the same way I used to. He was still a cute guy that has his moments, but being back in his house and in a semblance of the life I used to live, I felt wrong. When he dropped me back off, I didn't have the same spring in my step like I usually do after seeing him.

I went to talk to Kirsten and I fell apart into happy tears because I realized that I don't FEEL any of the same love, emotion, or intimacy with Chris anymore. I'm finally truly free! I cried happy tears that were long coming. If I see Chris again, it will be purely as a friend. I don't want him to be my boyfriend anymore. I don't want to deal with the jealousy and the conflict that a relationship with such a douchebag would bring me. I have realized that a year and half later, I can finally close the door on that chapter of my feelings and let myself love again in new directions. I can date and be free from the possibility of Chris ever coming back! I don't want him to be mine anymore. I don't want Christopher Robert Loren Bentz to be the man that I say I do to anymore. I don't want to have him as my person. I am my own person and I am beautiful and strong.

This realization on top of some amazing people in my life has made me see that I can love again. I can feel happy and I can quit waiting on something that is not worth my time and tears.

Happy birthday to me!

contemplations

When the day is done, at 11o'clock, I curl up in bed and wind down my thoughts. I loosen the ties of reality and life. Let fall my troubles as leaves from a tree. It's terribly freeing to be honest.

Something has been nagging at my worry threshold all day. I don't really want to acknowledge it, but if I don't it will not go away. I have a big big birthday wish that won't come true. I have something that I want so bad that it worries me. I try to ignore it, but it's as if I'm lying to myself all day long then.
My birthday wish is this: for me to have lunch with Katie and be comfortable and not panicking in my dorm before and after, for me to have more amazing beautiful sweet perfect dates with chris and to have him stick around and not make me feel so scared to get hurt again, and lastly, for my room situation for next year to just magically work out.

My wish is big. They are all things only I can make happen. However, things could work in my favor to help. Mostly, I want Chris to stick around. As cheesy and stupid as that is, I do miss him and our date was very perfect. If only he would realize we're perfect for each other in all of our stupid flaws. Oh well. I can only wish. I've said my piece. I've laid my line. I stand by who I am and where I am so he cannot hurt me here. He can try and maybe get close, but no life altering ruining is happening in this birthday girl!

So, as I try to sleep tonight, I fear closing my eyes. I know I will be dreaming of Chris and of Katie and of school. All my wishes will be dreamt. If only when waking could they exist.

Beginning Birthday Week

I got the most beautiful, amazing, glorious, fantastic Nike dunks that are sparkly and amazing! Kirsten is awesome. :)

Since my little bad-girl stunt, I've been much better. More grounded in life, I've been able to actually accomplish things again.

All in all, a good start for the birthday girl!

My Real Life

I took out my gages. I apologized to Kirsten who I hurt more than anyone. My life is not what I've been living. Weekday drinking, gaging my ears, going out for pizza when I have no money, considering skipping class, putting off homework readings, daydreaming in class, that is not me.

I can attribute a lot of it to my environment with Paige in the room, however, I need to own my own faults. I could have said no at any point in time. Until tonight, I didn't see just how idiotic I was being.

I made a choice tonight that was very stupid. I decided to flash a friend in public outside. I was a little tipsy, but that is no excuse. I did not know there was a camera behind my friend until they told me afterwards. My breasts were captured on camera. Grant it, it is dark, late, and fuzzy resolution, but I still feel uncomfortable about it. There could be serious consequences to a funny joke. This made me realize just how off the wagon I was. Now, I can begin to correct.

No more drinking. Period. It is a bad idea and leads to poor choices. No more going out. After talking to Kirsten tonight, I realized that it is not who I am. And that is ok. It is ok to stay in and be comfortable and confident in who I am. I don't need to go out to be happy. I also learned that having one true friend is better than having many friends. I love my friend group, but off all those I hurt, Kirsten matters most. She supports and cares more than anyone. I know I will have the right kind of peer pressure around her. I can make the right decisions with her and not be judged. This is important.

Gauging my ears was cool, but dumb. It hurts, looks punky (which I'm not) and is generally stupid. I will not make a stupid choice like that again anytime soon. Hey mom and dad, it made me second guess all my tattoo plans. Lucky you guys. :)

So in general, I ended my valentines day with my best friend being my valentine and determined to get back on the right path in life.

Singles Awareness Day

Today is the day that usually means a bunch of romantics running around like chickens with their heads cut off. However, today is my day to be happy. I'm in a good mood and nothing is going to bring me down.

I had a date with Chris on Sunday. Yes, I know most of you who have been reading this blog for any amount of time would roll your eyes and call me stupid. Yet, he was very sweet and kind and NO we did not have sex. It was a nice date. I even talked to him about how I don't trust him and how I know he's not going to text me anytime soon. I know what is going to happen, but I am still happy. I had a good night and I'm in a good place. He is not going to rule or ruin my life this time.

So, now we come to Valentines day. Stupid holiday about love and commercialism. Here, it's just singles awareness day. All my friends and I are going out to just enjoy being who we are as strong beautiful women. I'm happy single and I am ok.

By the way, my brother found me a new speaker system for super cheap and it rocks! Gotta love little brothers sometimes.

anxiety

I said I would get scared and run away. I don't know how to do relationships. I don't understand what and what not to say. I am so strong on my own and I don't know how to include someone else in my independence. Yet, I hate hurting people. I know I hurt ian and idk how. I don't understand what I did or said.

On top of that, I'm beyond anxious tonight. Unless you have anxiety you couldn't understand. It's like someone is binding my arms to my sides and tightly wrapping my chest down. I can't seem to move anything but my eyes and hands. My hands still start to shake and my stomach and chest seem to shiver from cold, but its pure adrenalin in my system. I look everywhere and can't seem to see anything. The air feels like water in my lungs because its so thick. It is almost like waking up still in sleep paralysis and trying to move. My body conflicts with my mind. However, my mind is scared and terrorized by all these tormenting thoughts. "Did I finish enough homework today? Should I have started my laundry? Are all my friends ok? Did I eat enough today? Should I plan my clothes for tomorrow? How far ahead should I get this weekend? Will being ahead make the anxiety go away?" Stupid things for most people are literal obbsessions in my mind. I can't seem to find any sort of peace today so I do the only thing I can... homework.

Fighting To Stand Still

My feet are planted to this earth.
My soul is hovering in the cold air in front of me.
Every breath is the ebb and flow of my very being moving in and out of my body.
Here, I stand.

My mind screams out, "Run".
Don't put roots down for you will only be uprooted and damaged again.
"Run" This place is only temporary.
These people only transient.
"Run"

My heart strikes back like a match catching fire.
Stand still and trust.
Give this place and people a chance to ground you.
Give the life in me a chance to grow and blossom.
Fight to stand still.

Running is no solution.
Running gives no rest or peace for my soul.
Here, I stand.
God, me, and this life.
I will stand still.

a little scared.

So things have been great lately. Life is moving along swimmingly. However, I am getting this nasty little inkling of fear about some things. First, classes are crazy busy. I have no free time whatso ever. It sucks. But I like most of my classes. Second, I am getting along great with paige. We're chill and she is cool. I've gotten more calm and I've drawn the line between her and me. I plan to stand by it. Third, and probably most importantly, there is Ian. He is an absolute great guy. He's sweet. He holds doors open for me. He never goes for the obvious sexual comments or anything derogatory. He is sweet and offers to just cuddle all the time. I have a serious case of the crush butterflies and its crazy. I honestly feel warm and fuzzy inside. However, this terrifies me. I haven't cuddled with someone since way back in senior year. Snuggling requires a level of intimacy that I am absolutely positively deathly shoot me in the face kind of scared of. I love hanging with Ian, but I have this internal fear that I can't really express. So instead of working on the intimacy, I make sexual comments and flirt and tease so I don't have to confront the scary intimacy that's growing here. How am I supposed to tell Ian that despite how much I love being in his presence and getting his hugs, but I'm not ready for that first kiss yet. I'm not ready to really cuddle. I'm very scared and I know my scared is going to hurt him so how do I tell him without hurting him? I don't want him to go anywhere. I just need him to see that I am not comfortable with moving forward yet. Just let me stall a bit here and get comfortable again. I'm very scared. And a scared hannah makes for a very cranky, emotionally moody hannah.

Wow!

I don't really even know where to begin to explain what the last 4 days have been like. On Wednesday, I found out about my new roommate. We hit it off and are awesome together! Wednesday I also met Ian. He's friends with Alana and now friends with me! And, we all went to a scary movie yesterday and had a lot of fun just chillin and living college life!

I really am glad that life has taken such an upswing this week. It's reassuring to see that even though life is busy now, I can still handle it all. I'm not totally anxious all the time. I can breathe when I think about going out. I'm starting to understand my anxiety and how to avoid it and make it better.

Meeting Paige, my new roomie, was great. She is a super fun person and I love how much energy she brings to the room. She is a bit out there for my tastes, but having that outgoingness around is a good boost to my happiness and social life. I think it will really work out well.

Ian is amazing. I really am so much happier to have someone who I can talk to about fishing and the outdoors and being outside of the city with. It's refreshing. He's a genuinely sweet guy and it's fantastic to see someone who isn't just some douche with less than honorable intentions.

All in all, the last week has really been a great turning point for me. It's a new time in my life and I'm going to live it to the fullest.