Oh wow.

I haven't thought about Chris in days. That's such a good feeling.

I'm starting my sophomore year in college but junior credit wise. Life is just awesome.

I know my degree is not going to help me with a job asap but I'm on the right path to getting a job as a psychologist and doing what interests me most.

I'm just amazed at how far I've come in the last couple years. I never would have imagined that I would be here if you had asked me two years ago.

One big broken heart, tons of transitions, a heck of a lot of self discovery, and a whole lot of love has gotten me here and I appreciate it.

Peace

I've said my piece and now I have peace.

Although my life is hectic, I'm calm. Its all going to pan out fine. For that I'm thankful. Its nice to just breathe.

Since Chris left the picture, I have felt more empty. However, its not a bad empty. Its like cleaning your room and taking out the trash. Its weird to see the floor again, but its a fresh slate. I feel like an empty vessel ready to be filled with friends, school, and new experiences.

So I will revel in my busy peace and be happy with all the ways my life is blessed right now.

My voice

I have a string voice. I stand up for things I believe in. I'm loud when I'm right. I'm firm when need be. I cry. I'm full of emotion that spills into my voice.

I very rarely stay silent. When I do, something has seriously hurt me. The fact that I didn't want to speak to Chris after he stood me up is huge. I'm always yelling and telling him how he did me wrong. But I was seriously hurt and I was letting my scabs heal before I spoke.

I texted him tonight with a simple message. " You hurt my feelings. I gave you a chance and you just ruined everything. I can't forgive you and I never want to see you again. This is the end of everything."

I had to put the final nail in the coffin myself. I don't think I could have been ok never talking to him or seeing him if I hadn't at least said I was hurt. There is a strength in voicing my desire to never see him. I believe in myself more now.

Part of me wishes for a response back giving excuses and trying to save what little we had. However, I know it won't come. He will remain silent as will I now.

Sometime in my life I will have to face my own voice and tremble at its strengths it tells me to go further and faster than I want, but I will listen. My voice is strong. But mostly, my voice is true. 

The inevitable "Hey"

So, whenever Chris and I don't talk or I decide that I'm done caring, he inevitably texts me just one word, "Hey". This has become the most loaded text message I ever receive.

Now usually, I respond and things go back to being semi-normal between us until we stop talking again. Today, that was not the case. After his little standing me up stunt, I'm done. I refuse to cave in to the anxiety that I feel when his number pops up on my screen. I'm not strong enough to stay silent, but I stuck with simplicity. My response? "The person whose number you've reached doesn't want to speak to you."

Call me petty, but I needed to not only close the door on him, but I needed to slam it in his face a little bit at least. I have no intentions of following up with any other witty comments or even acknowledging him if he texts me again. I needed a closing comment that rocked and I'm pretty proud of that.

Over the next months and possibly years, he will text me again. It is inevitable. But I plan on working on the anxiety I feel when his number shows up. In giving myself a new mantra and telling myself that it's just my brain's way of saying this stresses us out and that it is just a reaction that will fade over time if I can remember that that falling feeling in my stomach is dread and not butterflies.

I read this great article on Psychology Today (awesome website btw). It was about way to rid yourself of the dire need to beg, plead, and hang on to an ex. It's a list of different affirmations you tell yourself to calm your mind and body when you get triggered by that ex. Here's the link : http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/laugh-cry-live/201208/coping-distress-and-agony-after-break

One of the best of these affirmations is this "Distance from him is what heals me. Whenever I try to get close again, it’s like picking off a scab and making it bleed. I’m only forcing myself to go through the agony of withdrawal all over again. When a scab has formed, I shall let it heal over completely."

This reminds me so much of how my life is with him. I don't need to subject myself to this anymore. I will keep this in mind in the coming parts of my life. 

That little lying, conniving bastard!

So, I was stood up. Not only was I stood up, but it was in favor of a different ex girlfriend.

Chris and Karie have a thing again. Well good for them. I'm so happy that the guy that was telling me how much he likes being with me and how "kissing me gives him butterflies" and when I'm in his arms it "just feels right". He's a big fat liar Karie and he probably was screwing me when you two got back together or whatever. So enjoy your cheater and little butt face. For real.

I am now mortified at how concerned I was that he didn't show up yesterday. I was worried something had happened to him, but nope. Now, I just feel duped and pathetic. More than I already did.

You know, I was really trying to give things a chance to work out. I had quit pushing him and all that, but still that wasn't enough to grace me with his presence.

Just to be clear... I'm mad and upset about being stood up, lied to, and not even graced with a response from Chris himself (I heard about Karie from a friend). If there was any sort of feelings left for him, they sure as hell are gone now. Chris can go die in a fucking hole for all I care. And if I had the unfortunate luck to walk past said hole, I'd leave him down there and spit in it.

My words are angry and that's how I feel. Something I valued is now gone. Yeah, it wasn't a relationship or really anything, but it was kinda nice having someone to talk to and hold me for once. I have a right to be upset after all he's put me through. The rudeness of just blowing me off is what really gets me going. I'm not even worthy of hearing rejection from him. That's awesome.

Now, I'm no longer treading water. It's sink or swim in my emotions. I'm gonna make this into a turning point for me. I'm going to direct this anger into protecting me from falling into the trap that is Chris. Fuck him. No more answering his text messages. I'm even going to block his number so if there ever was something from him. Even an apology, I won't see it. No more. No more stupid broken record on my part. No more saying I'm going to leave him alone and not really holding to it. I'm fucking done with his shit. He's a liar and I won't be missing anything (besides some awesome sex, but there is probably better someplace else, I won't be looking just for that though in case anyone was worried. I have morals and standards and all that jazz). This is not a set back. It's the first step in the rest of my fucking life and I'm gonna kick ass from here on out. On my own. For real this time.

Treading Water, But Waiting For That Big Wave

Right now, I'm treading water in my life. I'm in one place and I'm just sort of floating here keeping my head above water. It's nice not trying to swim against the current for once. I need a break.

School starts again soon. It's crazy to think that I'm starting my second year of college and also my junior year of credits. I'm unbelievably proud of the work I've done to get here and I hope I can continue to excel at my studies while maintaining a job and a social life. We will see.

On the relationship front, there are no new faces yet. There is Chris as always. I'm tempted to do the Hannah thing and talk to him about where we are and whats between us and if maybe there could be something more. However, I know this would inevitably send him away. I'm not scared or worried that he'll leave, because I'm really great on my own. Yet, I like where things are right now. Being in limbo, treading water, with him is just nice. It's comfortable and safe-ish. I'm happy when he's around and when he's not. I enjoy talking to him and there is just something about the way he looks at me that makes me want to believe that he still loves me. But, that is a dangerous thought. I won't even entertain that idea for more than a few minutes, for the consequences on my emotions could very well be devastating if I believed that he loved me.

I do not love him. I do like him, a lot. I find him charming and sweet sometimes. He's handsome and perfect in every way when we're together. When we're not though... I'm not sure about him.

So, I am treading water. I will continue treading water until a big wave comes and makes me move.

Dating sans commitment?

So tiffany asked how things with Chris are. I explained that we talk and hang out sometimes without doing anything but then other times we're more like friends with benefits. She said that that counts as dating but its not official or exclusive or committed or even talked about. So can you date sans commitment?

Its convenience. Its an old comfort. Its something but the something isn't enough to be anything so essentially its nothing. So why?

Because my heart is so incredibly tied to his that despite both our efforts we keep ending up back in each others arms. Because he is one of the only people that I can talk to without feeling anxious. Because he's charming. Because he finds me beautiful. Because I feel special around him.

But am I special? Am I the only one? Does he run back to another ex? Does he text someone else more than me? Is he lying? Does he feel anything or is it all fake?

I'm running in circles here.

I wanna love I wanna leave...

I want you to love me. I want you to leave me.

The song keeper by yellowcard is such a powerful description of my feelings towards Chris. I want him to love me, but I want him to leave me too. It's frustrating not being able to decide how I truly want things to play out. I know I will leave. I know he will not love me. I know some part of my heart will always love him unless he changes how he treats me.

Grant it, he isn't always kind, but he is never mean. He is never pushing me away. He just lets me fit into his life when he wants me there and no other time. He never tells me to leave him alone or to move on. He never tells me not to love him. And even after everything... I have never heard him say he doesn't love me. I've never heard him say he doesn't love me anymore. He never even hints at that. His feelings are a mystery that's for sure, but he never denies feelings for me.

This I partially blame for why I can't seem to leave him just yet. He hasn't given me any real reason besides a lack of commitment to leave him for.

So, I will try to include him in my daytime life. I will try to find a ray of sunlight that might just hit both of us at the same time for once in a long time...

I wanna love, I wanna leave...

Unpack and repack...

As school approaches I have to pack up my life and ready myself to transition into the independent living style in college. I say style because there are so many people there that you're never really independent.

I came home from a great long vacation. Helping out my aunt was really great and I got a lot figured out in my own head while I was gone. I think there is definetly something to be said about a change of scenery.

So, I am unpacking from vacation and packing up for school. My life is in a state of upheaval and stress, but I am calm. I'm taking everything in stride because there is no other option short of driving myself nuts or going broke buying giant tubs to organize everything. So, I breathe instead.

life. ahhhh

i hope my harmonica arrives soon because i have some serious brain distracting to do.

you know, there has been an awful lot of talk lately from him and now there is none. novelty is gone. and so are my feelings. woosh into nothing they go. no more. bye bye. i do not miss him. i do not feel disappointed that hes gone. i was right. i knew this was coming.

so, i shall stand strong and shoot for three months of no contact and pretend like its going to be easy on those 2am nights.

im pathetic.

Kids chase novelty.. so do 19 year old boys

I'm a novelty. I'm the favorite toy that is always kept away then randomly gets taken down for a short time to play with. I'm the favorite dessert that you only get every once in awhile.

This makes those first days with me great. Everything seems so perfect. Then it gets old. The novelty wears off and I'm just another girl with feelings and expectations and all that jazz. So? He stops talking. He stops calling me cute and beautiful. Stops saying he wants to see me. Stops wanting me.

I keep waiting to cry at this realization, but I think I've known this for awhile now. This is the reason we're not together and why I'm always so terrified and happy to talk to him. This is why I'm ok with him leaving as he always does because it means he'll come back missing me again. How sick is my brain? Willing to subject myself to torture just to feel a few butterflies for a few days?

I think I was right when I cut him off before. If I can get past the missing and start to see clear again I won't be looking for him... I should just not talk to him... But, do I want one last goodbye kiss first? Want yes, need no.

Back to writing I go and hopefully I can cut him out. I'm a broken record, I know. I'm sorry. But honestly, everyone is entitled to one hopeless romance in their life. I just am using mine now.

This probably isn't going to work like I want it to.

So, despite beautiful words, fun flirting, and some great butterflies in my tummy, this probably isn't going to work. You don't trust me and I honestly don't trust you. I try to ignore the dying urge to ask what and where and with whom you are all the time, but the fact that I don't believe I'm important enough to you is the answer to my questions. So, I guess you may be an amazing guy and I love you somehow, but it will not work to go anywhere than where it's been way too many times before.

This being said, I'm not going to quit talking to you and in all liklihood, I will probably come see you, but I know it isn't going to mean anything.

I am young and I'm allowed to do what I want sometimes. I'm allowed to be dumb and see an attractive guy just cause I want to. I may be making a dumb choice, but I am not making a stupid choice. I know the consequences and I accept them.

I'm not looking for a relationship and holding onto only that, I know that won't happen. But is it so wrong to want to kiss the person who gives you butterflies?