New years eve

I'm resolving to work harder on meaningful relationships. I'm resolving to listen more and speak less. I'm resolving to let myself have a little freedom from time to time. I'm resolving to be better aware and careful of the power I let others hold over me. I resolve to be honest. I resolve to no longer shrink away from confronting those who hurt/scare/upset/annoy/forget me.

These may seem like a lot, but many are things I'm working on now. I'm determined to better myself.

Home

I'm in a strange place in my head when I'm home. I miss my friends. I have a hard time finding a balance within myself with what I want to share with family. I never feel sure of my decisions here because I'm afraid of hurting/disappointing my parents.

However, I am so thankful for getting along with my family now. Grant it, my brother is still an angst ridden 16 year old and my sister is a massive anorexic and cranky perpetually. Yet, I love them and we get along so much better now. I think things are finally to a place where I can understand that people like their siblings.

My parents are wonderful as well. Seeing my dad at work today was great and spending all day with mom was one of the best welcomes back.

Now if the holidays just stay smooth....

Final in t-minus 5 hours

Yes, I am studying, but I needed a break and I haven't written in a long time.

I haven't really had any exciting news to share. My brain will start working more on myself again after I can finish finals. At the moment, I can only keep theory facts in my head so if you wanna discuss literary theory, now would be the time.

But, the holidays are approaching and I'm excited. I love the festive feel of Christmas!

oh my finals

I'm in the midst of finishing an annotated bibliography, printing my paper, and resigning myself to the fact that I shall be failing in approximately 3 days.  I dislike finals.

On an equally unnerving note, my watch broke. I feel so incredibly naked it's like a continuous bad dream. Plus, I look stupid looking at my naked wrist all the time.

just 3 days and I'm free until January... I can do it!

having a hard time tonight

not sure why, but I'm struggling to remind myself that tomorrow is a new day. I need my courage and I need peace for my short nights rest.

Wow

Usually when I get stressed, I enjoy relaxing and remembering happy times with Chris. Not only has this pastime (disturbing I'll admit) lost its enjoyment but it takes work.

I laid in bed tonight and was thinking how I wish someone would come hold me. I didn't think of Chris. I didn't imagine one of the assholes I used to think I wanted. I thought of Rich.

I thought of how his arms seemed inviting. I imagined laying my head on his chest and hearing a new heartbeat.

Now I know rich may very well be reading this and rolling his eyes. I'm quite serious though. I meant it when I told him that he's not a fall back. I'm an idiot girl who failed to realize what's been in front of me for the last year. I've spent so much time burying my feelings that I had to really be honest with myself before I saw what I wanted. Grant it, I can't change the way things worked out, but I hope Rich realizes that I'm actually pretty hurt that he turned me away.

I cried when he told me no. I cried when I realized I was picturing things that won't happen. I'm terrified to talk to him in person again because part of me wants to hit him for hurting me and the rest of me just wants to kiss him.

Merry finals week to all and to all a good Christmas break! Boo.

Get out of my head.

Between my paper and this boy issue I'm losing serious sleep. Everyone and everything needs to get out of my head. Just let me hear myself think for once!

Biting the Bullet

So I bit the bullet and talked to Rich about the way I feel about him. I got all girly and explained this whole butterflies experience for me. He and I had a nice little chat and in the end, nothing really changed. We're still friends. He doesn't see us working out so I did the right thing and said "ok, I'll be fine". Which, I will. I will be just fine. Yes, I am sad that it doesn't get to happen all magical like, but that's life. I tried and I put myself out there. I love Rich as a friend more than any possible relationship could ever be worth.

So, back to our regularly scheduled homework/finals week programming. AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

unmotivated. the train has stopped...

So I've been a little choo choo train lately, powering through everything thrown in front of me. Now, I've hit a wall. This train has stopped. I have no motivation to do anything. I just want to lay in bed and sleep for a billion million trillion hours. Yeah, that's a lot.

I tried it all. Dance like an idiot in my underware? Didn't help. Watch Friends? Only put me more behind and more involved in the show.. I'm on season 9 of 10 so yeah.. Listen to pump me up music? nope. Christmas music? no, but I am more cheerful now. I seriously love the holidays.

So, I blog. Yes that's right folks. I have hit the all time low of avoiding writing by writing. I mean I could tackle my clean laundry pile, but that sounds like work.

Finals are approaching... AHHHHHH

So I have basically been on hiatus lately when it comes to writing for fun. I may be off the internet-o-sphere until after finals have finished.

I have  major theory paper, a religion paper, a study guide for my theory final, and a poetry portfolio. Goodness gracious.