Falling Into Place

Found a place to get married. Got a job. Kyle should be home from drill in a few hours hopefully. Buying the Across The Universe soundtrack because it makes me happy. Also if someone really loves me they should buy me the delux box set of all the beatles albums. It's only 180 bucks on amazon.. Any takers? lol

So now I'm off to figure out job and school stuff. Ta Ta!

Slipping

I didn't want to get a place with my mother in law. I thought I could suck up my feelings for a year. But after talking with her last week I realized I would be putting myself in a position to get hurt if I lived with her. She told me to move home and not get married. That deeply hurt my feelings. So I changed my mind. I told Kyle I can't do it. Because I can't. I felt miserable after that talk. But I feel worse now.

She came over again last night to talk. She wanted me to reconsider. I calmly defended my point and she kept pushing. In the end, I just got fed up trying to be nice and told her my opinion. I don't think a parent should rely on their child to rescue them. I don't think a grown woman should do that. I didn't like being bullied and I don't feel comfortable living with or near her. I said if she just needs a little time then she should go to a women's shelter until she's up on her feet. Not use her children for that. It is not their job. I tried so hard to leave Kyle out of this. But at the end, she asked him what he really thought about this. He stood by me and I feel like absolute poop for getting him into that position. I almost wanted to up and leave so none of this would happen again because of me. But I don't want to leave Kyle. I love him with my whole heart. She then proceeded to storm off and leave. She said she had finally met her match. Then when I said I didn't want Kyle to have to choose she said "yes you did. You finally got what you wanted". That isn't true. I wanted to say no to living together then move forward in a healthy relationship with her. But that wasn't an option for her. She had to try manipulating the situation.

I held my ground and I'm glad I did. I'm just slipping now on my hold of everything. I feel depressed so deeply I didn't want to move to pee this morning. I keep flashing back to her yelling and I'm tormented by the position I got Kyle into. I feel so so horrible because I promised I would never do that to him. I appreciate him standing behind me with my choices and everything so very much. But I feel like he shouldn't have to pick a side. And worst of all is that I don't know how to make it any better.

Wow

Mother in laws are hard. More later.

The road is a long and winding one...

After countless hurdles and people telling us no, the perfect wedding scenario in my head is just no longer a reality. I won't be getting married this summer. While I'm sad for  variety of reasons I'm not sad about putting it off. Its the right thing to do and gives me and Kyle a far better chance in this difficult world.

We will be getting married on January 18th of 2014. Just in case you wondered.

His mother is a challenge. I envy those women who become close friends with their mother in laws. I probably never will have that relationship with Ana Bella because she feels as if I am stealing her son. Someone who calls their childs significant other a bitch, no matter what the context, does not deserve a place close to my heart. I bear her no ill will. I wish her happiness and I hope she can get to a place where she doesn't rely on others for her happiness. However, its not my job to rescue her and move in with her so she can be happy. And after how she treated me and made me feel, I don't want that at all.

It was only after her involvement that we decided to postpone our wedding. She is manipulative. I refuse to let her do that anymore.

So we postponed the wedding. I'm ok with that. I'm mad at her involvement. But that will pass in time.

I shouldn't and don't feel bad for wanting to live with my husband and only my husband once we're married. I want to start our life together and not our life with his mom. I shouldn't feel bad for asking my fiance to stand up and back me against the things she has said. I shouldn't feel like she is making my fiance love me less. That hurts me.

It has been a long week. I have moved forward and back countless times. I'm in a place now where I can optimistically look forward to our life together and I'm not afraid to stand up for what I need. Its been a long road, but I'm finally looking from the top of the hill. I see a beautiful valley ahead.